July 2018
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my draws and dealbreakers: my reasons to fight for a relationship and my reasons to end one


happystance got me thinking on this subject a while ago and I've been slowly honing this from my initial comment. I love when someone asks me a question that makes me go, "oooh, I don't know the full answer to that!"

My longest, deepest relationship has been with a person that I have very, VERY little in common with as far as hobbies or likes/dislikes go. So though common interests make it easier, I don't need them. What I really HAVE to have is a similar goal (growth, learning) and attitude (respectful, open, honest) plus love.

for me to keep fighting for the relationship, the other person has to be:


1) seeking to grow, learn, and create
    (look for opportunities to grow and mature, especially with regards to increasing compassion and unlearning prejudice. Actively create a more positive self and world, and be curious about everything (and people in particular). And be creative in some way or another (including work as an art form).)
2) respectful
    (of me, of zirself, and of all humankind (a person doesn't have to be perfectly equalist, but has to work on shunning/dismantling ranking systems like sexism, racism, heterosexism, lookism, elitism, etc.) Also be respectful of all life and refrain from causing unnecessary destruction.)
3) open/honest/expressive
    (share zir thoughts/feelings/motives voluntarily and truthfully, with a goal of becoming ever more authentic and transparent. Desire to be known fully.)
4) affectionate, interested in me, and willing/able to give emotionally
    (be willing & able to put time & effort into the relationship: touching, listening, supporting, encouraging, asking questions. Desire to learn more about me.)


These things work as a draw -- the more fullness of openness, honesty, seeking to grow, respect, etc., that you show, the more I am drawn to you. I'm not looking for perfection but for passion; working to improve rather than being 'good enough' and stagnating. If a person is not all of these things, that's not grounds for me to end it, but without a good amount of them I won't fight for it if it seems to be ending on its own.

---

for me to cut off the relationship, the other person has to exhibit:


1) deceitfulness/insincerity
    (you can't have a real connection if it's being blocked off with lies, and I consider lying to be horrifically disrespectful. I cannot STAND being lied to -- you might as well spit in my face. Also, not keeping your word is lying, so don't make me promises you don't intend to keep. Do not, for instance, swear lifetime love and commitment and then drop me like a newborn giraffe. (five of those experiences is enough!))
2) disrespect
    (mocking others' feelings/thoughts, calling names when angry, assuming rights to things that belong to others, knowingly breaking other people's boundaries, treating people like objects, treating people according to their physical attribute(s) rather than their personality/individuality, considering oneself more important/evolved/inspired than others)
    - - including and especially disrespect of ANY person's body (considering it okay to urge/coerce a person into sex, to grope without permission, to grab on to someone and refuse to let go; essentially, believing it is in ANY way okay to touch someone's body without their permission (except where necessary for safety, as with a child about to run in the street))
3) manipulative behavior
    (especially passive-aggressiveness and trying to motivate people through fear, guilt, or insecurity)
4) destructiveness of self** and/or others and/or living things
    On other-destruction: I end things when the person is disrespectful (see #2) and/or deliberately harmful, even if it is not me ze is mistreating. On self-destruction: I end things when it gets to the point where it starts making me depressed/self-destructive/unable to listen (usually, when someone is in a harmful situation and making no movement to leave or change it (or has no power to change it, as in the case of a child) -- I find that extremely difficult to be near). On life-destruction: harm toward animals or plants for purely destructive intent or for convenience is absolutely a deal-breaker.
    - - including and especially violence or threats of violence (whether spoken or communicated non-verbally by threatening body language/breaking things)
5) indifference/apathy
    (showing no care for me, not putting effort into the relationship, not listening or trying to understand me)


Most of those things can be forgiven if it is a slip-up followed by sincere apology and efforts to make it right; but if any of them are a pattern or go without restitution it is over. I absolutely will not tolerate 1, 2, 3, or 4 as patterns of behavior -- even if the person uses them only with others and not with me. (although self-destructiveness is not as clear-cut; **I'll maintain the relationship if I can. As long as the person isn't giving me responsibility for their happiness and we have at least SOME interactions that do not center on the self-destructiveness, it can work) Number 5 is harder for me to hold as a boundary, and I've actually never ended a close relationship over it, but I can see several times when that would have been wise (more to come on that).

This sort of doubles as my moral code -- the first list being things I strive to achieve, and the second list being things I strive to avoid.

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Comments
mermaiden ══╣╠══
This sort of doubles as my moral code -- the first list being things I strive to achieve, and the second list being things I strive to avoid.

I absolutely loved this entire post, but this especially resonated with me~! :)
chinese rabbit
cunningbunny ══╣chinese rabbit╠══
These are, I think, very healthy guidelines for a relationship. I wish I could say I had the fortitude to break off every relationship that did not align with them, but while I'm willing to make the big, extremely necessary breaks in spite of social/societal pressure (father, sister, various other family members) it's much harder for me to part from certain other people in spite of wishing to hold the same sort of guidelines. Sometimes I suppose I'm eternally hopeful that someone will improve, regardless of how unlikely it is. Though I'm working on distancing myself from those relationships, and recognizing how some people don't actively wish to change.
xochitl ══╣╠══
Lying and being passive-aggressive are two of my biggest dealbreakers too.
xenopsi ══╣╠══
Every time I see that you've posted an entry (I'm notified via email), I rush right over to read it if I'm able to. And this is why. I loved reading this; a person's needs and boundaries say so much about them. And to be honest, we share a good number of these!!
Gaze
aerialmelodies ══╣Gaze╠══
So... LJ ate my other comment.

Basically, we're very similar in what we want to avoid in a relationship. All five of those are what lead me to make my decisions, and #1 and #5 often go hand-in-hand and are probably the least tolerable for me.

It's so wonderful to hear that you hold yourself to your own standards. So many people don't. We're all prone to slip up, but if you have a habit of being, say, disrespectful then get upset when someone disrespects you... well, maybe you should start applying your ideal moral code (as you've called it) to yourself. I definitely feel you do work to achieve and avoid the things you've listed here.... which is pleasant. I really enjoy your entries, and I'm so happy I actually had a moment today to comment - twice, even though LJ ate my first one! <3
blimeyzawn1 ══╣╠══
Hooray For My First Comment on Your Lj!!!
This is excellent and very similar to my dealbreakers and makers, but much more articulate than I could have written them. I want to print this out and post it on my bedroom wall and turn it into my "Zawn's House Constitution."

Well done. Awesome. Excellent. etc.
radiohead
theindiequeen ══╣radiohead╠══
I really enjoyed this post, too. It's very similar to mine, if I were to make a list. Except I think I might add "must like Radiohead" to the reasons to keep fighting. Haha. Just kidding. (Although I do seem to have much more meaningful relationships with people I can connect with artistically, which usually means music.)
girlslovegirls7 ══╣╠══
is this ur way of telling me u dont want to have a relationship with me? i meen its been a long long time since u have wanted to talk to me
console
belenen ══╣console╠══
no, it isn't! If I didn't want a relationship, I would tell you so. I do want a relationship, it's just hard because I hate the phone and you live so far away.
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
I really agree with what you've written here. This post really resonates with me. :)
miintikwa ══╣╠══
This is lovely and something to ponder.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.