April 2018
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dream (confront old couple about racism, meet violet spirit)

I was at a clothing store and met this old couple who said something racist (don't remember what it was) and I debated a few minutes -- is this going to do any good? should I say something subtle? -- and then decided just to be completely blunt and tell them that it was racist and why. A person who looked like Adam Lambert (who looks almost exactly like my mental picture of Ava, so I think ze is my brain's metaphor for a violet spirit) was nearby and agreed with me, and we got into a conversation and were completely caught up in each other (eyes locked). I was sitting on the arm of a couch and ze came closer and closer until ze was pretty much straddling my legs and I invited zir to sit on my lap. When ze did we both we overwhelmed with the intensity of being close to each other -- almost to the point of passing out, we both physically swayed -- so we moved to the couch and sat together, talking. Then the scene switched and I was at my bioparents' old house, realizing that I didn't even know zir name! I got very upset thinking that I had lost zir, and then I had the idea of hunting down all of the people who we used to do homeschool co-op with (because that was apparently where we met) and describing zir (ze was the only 'weird-looking' one in the bunch so it wouldn't be hard). But then I thought that maybe I was imagining things, maybe ze wasn't as interested in me as I had thought, maybe I was the only one who felt the connection, because ze hadn't made any effort to keep in touch. Then ze came up to me (while I was laying on the grass in the front yard) and greeted me with such intense affection that I knew that ze did feel it as much as I did, and we talked more.

You know how I was asking when to speak up about prejudice with acquaintances? I feel like my psyche is saying, "have you considered that you're more likely to meet people you'd connect with if you speak up when there is an audience?" But I don't get it, brain, you'll have to give me about five more of these dreams... ohhhh, I still feel aglow. But also yearning and missing zir :-(

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starry night
tralfamadore ══╣starry night╠══
I'm a person who tends to keep my own thoughts and internal dialogue about the external world very private. Someone who would have an intense amount of trouble speaking up in a social situation, even when I perceived that some wrong had been done to a person. This has been demonstrated by my lack of action many times in the past, even when the talk directly effected others' perceptions of my social group. When I do express my distaste, I generally do so by actions that others deem rude: laughing inappropriately, rolling my eyes, or shaking my head. Showing physical distaste when I cannot seem to verbally point out what it is that upsets me.

In my life I've also "dealt with" a fair number of so-called friendships. People whom I considered friends, and who considered me the same, whose thoughts and philosophies actually made me physically ill to consider. I justified these friendships as being the best that I could get, when in truth they were oftentimes downright abusive to my psyche and my sense of self-worth. Finally when I began to speak my mind to these people, I lost them for good. It was actually the best ting that had ever happened to me.

I guess in all this I'm trying to thank you. To tell you that you just put into words something that I could never quite express. People cannot read others' minds. People cannot know your thoughts, feelings, intricacies, emotions, and beliefs if you do not share them with those people. There is so much to be gained through communication. Even in disagreement comes a greater sense of knowledge, a greater respect or understanding for the opinion that you may not have considered before.

Maybe it's not my place to say, but I feel compelled to tell you this. I see you as someone who is very fair with your beliefs and with your expression of those beliefs. While some people use speech and opinions as a way to isolate and set differences, it seems to me that you are always striving for connection, to bring people together. You just want to be understood, and to understand others in return. That is special and that is beautiful. I just can't imagine you doing harm with your words. Your spirit is so intensely passionate, but so gentle at the same time that I feel as though you speaking up can only lead to good.
tralfamadore ══╣╠══
I should also mention that this is Namid. In attempting to rename my journal for a fresh start, I believe some information was lost and now seem to be missing from the friends lists of those I have added in the past.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.