March 2019
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serendipitous fair with Viv! photos! / precognitive dreams about Viv / being in the present

Some of you may remember the fair that Hannah and I just happened to discover the last day they were in town, which was my first fair. Well, today I gave Viv a ride to a meeting ze was going to, and we just passed right by it! (in a completely different part of town, by the way!) Of course I wanted to go, and Viv happily agreed -- so we went! again at night, again so serendipitously. ♥ (tonight I got a little red lobster to go with my violet seahorse :D)


the fair!


on the ferris wheel


beautiful Viv ♥ (going to take non-grainy daylight photos asap!)


looking down at the TERRIFYING ship ride -- Viv suggested we ride at the back and I was like, "okay, sure!" being all brave and adventurous and STUPID. *snort* I'm very top-heavy and that damn bar was NOT enough to keep me from coming right out of my seat and starting to fall forward. I was shrieking in REAL terror at the highest point of the swing. I think I'd have been fine if I was securely fastened in, but I most certainly was NOT. Ohhh damn. I do not have a head for heights (but during the ride Viv was very comforting as I got more and more convinced that I was going to die, aww). As we FINALLY started to slow down and were almost at the end, Viv teased "let's go again!" and I said, "NO, you fucker!" and the parent of the little kid that was two rows ahead turned around to look at me. It took me a second and then I said, "ohmygoshI'msosorry!" but ze seemed more amused than anything :-p and probably feeling pity for the wimpy person who got freaked out on a kid's ride!


I blurred this on purpose -- I love the color swirls.


a scary ride which Viv went on alone! (ze's the only person you can see) Right about now ze was shouting to me, "Why am I doing this?"


it turned completely upside down :-O Viv said it was much less scary than the freaking boat because it was all secure. I think that's probably true but at that point I was pretty determined to keep my feet on the ground.


how I feel after spending time with Viv ♥

for the past few days I've pretty much been wearing either a broad grin or this cat-that-ate-the-canary smirk >;-}

Tonight I realized that I've dreamed of zir before we met! Here and here and once more (but I didn't write about the third one): my brain was using Adam Lambert as a metaphor for a violet spirit whom I'd not met. The first two times I dreamed of an unnamed person who just looked like zir, but in the last one ze was the singer. Silly me was disappointed -- I didn't get the message, "this is becoming real." In that last one, we kissed -- and I dreamed kisses exactly like Viv's (no one else has ever kissed me that way, so it wasn't a memory of the past!). I remember waking up and daydreaming about those kisses, and now I get them in REAL LIFE. Hence the smirk >;-}

I actually feel jealous for practically the first time in my life. I'm not used to this feeling and I don't like it! I know where it's coming from though. I thought I got out unscathed from the relationship with Aurilion, but here's the sting: Aurilion must have professed undying love and adoration hundreds of times, with a sincerity that convinced me utterly, but then ze just sort of lost interest (am I the only one who means "forever" when I say "forever"???). I'm having a hard time believing the signs that I'd usually put complete faith in, because I got it so wrong last time. And I'm having a hard time trusting that I'm not just a shallow fling or symbol; interesting amusement for a while and eventually too much work for people (unless they have made a partnership commitment). Oh! and the sucky thing was, with Aurilion I wasn't even fixated on the future at all but ze made all kinds of unasked-for promises and I trusted them, and THEN when I WAS looking forward, everything disappeared. Now I'm having a hard time getting back into that "the now is what is important" place. I need to be here, now. I'm going to find some way to remind myself -- the NOW is what matters!

Once my intuition tells me "trust this" for the nth time, it'll sink in. I mean, I met zir in an everything-falls-into-place kind of way, I DREAMED ZIR KISSES EXACTLY, the fair just happened to be there -- how much more do I need?

Very Good Sign #452: ze disagrees with me confidently and matter-of-factly, without getting defensive or offensive. I LOVE THIS!

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acid_burns ══╣╠══

Viv is so stunning... wow. And so are you. You are glowing, Bel. This makes me happy ♥

And it should always be about the here and now.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
♥ *hugs!!!*
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣analytical╠══

well, for me forever doesn't mean anything romantic -- just working to at least be friends. When I say that I have forever-love for someone, it means no matter what I'd be willing to have a relationship of some kind with them (providing that they work at it too, because one person can't do it alone). Sometimes I might not want to be close with them, but I always want them in my life. That sort of thing.
*  Faerie:  undine
mermaiden ══╣* Faerie: undine╠══
I've learned that "forever" has varied meanings to many people...and the people who have the same definitions of that word with you and use it like it's meant to be used end up staying. In my experience, at any rate~ :)

These pictures absolutely and positively glow~ What a happy, happy thing~ *LOVE*
belenen ══╣artless╠══
♥ *nods* I suffered a blow to my faith but after all, Anika and Ash are my friends again now... I think forever-love means it always comes back, not that it always thrives ;-)

aww, yay! ♥
acid_burns ══╣╠══

"I think forever-love means it always comes back, not that it always thrives"

I love that.
divinemiss_em ══╣╠══
Truly living life in the present is one of my biggest challenges!

The lights of the fair are so purty! :)
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
indeed! I'm kinda annoyed at myself for having lost the knack of it, but I'll get it back. :-p

yes! I love the lights!
me - dark smile
moonvoice ══╣me - dark smile╠══
but then ze just sort of lost interest (am I the only one who means "forever" when I say "forever"???

I can't make these promises, because I change so much, so I can never know how I'll change. But it's unfair that someone tells you 'forever' when they don't mean it. I wouldn't say something I didn't mean.

I'd probably say 'I want to be with you forever,' as opposed to 'I *will* be.' But then up until a year ago, I was still telling Glen it might end any month, and we'd been together for five years! So don't take advice from a commitment-phobe. ;)

I love your photos, and you're right, the now is what matters. Remember to take care of your bruised heart though, because that will help you be in the now even more. :)
mulholland drive - love story
musicandmisery ══╣mulholland drive - love story╠══
Both of you are just stunning. :) And so are all the fair pictures, hee. :)

I totally understand the issue you're having. Living in the now is definitely the most important thing, but once you've been burned like you have, it's reallyreallyreally hard not to think about the future and if this is all for nothing. But it doesn't sound like that is the case with Viv. :)

I'm so happy for you, Bel. ♥
nadalia ══╣╠══
Lovely pictures, Your smile is contagious. I'm so glad you're happy. *hugs*
impossibly beautiful
frecklestars ══╣impossibly beautiful╠══
You both look amazing. Glowing, even separate from the carnival lights. Just wow.
saturnsdaughter ══╣╠══
These photos make me nostalgic; I haven't been to a fair in such a long time. I'm glad you two had fun :)
animal guide: deer
shioneh ══╣animal guide: deer╠══
Oh, that same fair! So magical :-) I love the pictures. You do look so glowingly happy in the last *grins*. ♥ So awesome to see Viv. So much beauty :-)

Hearing you on your fears. I'm sorry you have them but I'm glad you're able to identify them and understand them *nod* Most of all I'm so glad you're in this new beautiful place right now.
xochitl ══╣╠══
I try to never use the word "forever" in relationships, because I know all too well that people do grow and change and sometimes aren't what each other needs anymore (this is probably a big reason why I don't want to get married). I try to be as honest as possible when it comes to matters of the heart. :)
camilleyun ══╣╠══
I haven't been on LJ in a while but I wanted to drop in and say hello because I was thinking of you. I need to go backwards and reread things forwards so I can get caught up in what's going on. I may be able to make it to your town this weekend.
aerialmelodies ══╣Love╠══
Beautiful photographs! <3

I love how you said forever isn't about the love thriving, but rather coming back full circle. I think that could apply to any relationship, be it platonic or romantic. My ex and I may never speak again, or maybe we will. But I'll always look back on the memories fondly, and I think that's where forever comes into play. It doesn't have to mean forever alongside one another...

And yes, just follow your intuition. It's really never wrong. :)
xenopsi ══╣╠══
Bel, this is just incredible. You are GLOWING. <3
hands_cupped ══╣╠══
That looks like a fun fair! And I'm so glad you're sooo happy! I love how your inner state really does shine through in your photos. You are so sincere and I love it.

Jealousy feels very uncomfortable for me, too. I tend to get jealous more often than I'd like, and I don't like that because it's sort of even against my principles. I don't know how a feeling can be "against my principles", but what I mean is that I don't believe in comparison, yet I seem to do it anyway! I've gotten a lot better about it though. Hmm, you've actually had a big (positive) impact on me in that area... like helping to reinforce my desire to work towards growing in that area.
...Anyhow, I hope everything gets worked out for you with regards to how you're feeling and the wounds that need healing. And I trust they will ♥ but yeah, just sending my warm thoughts and regards.
hands_cupped ══╣╠══
...Also, I meant to say, congratulations :D On your new amazing connection :)
fyrebard ══╣╠══
*glee at your happiness*

As far as Lily goes, I dated her too, remember? And she did the same thing with me (well, not exactly the same, but similar is what I'm getting at here.) Please do not let the bad emotional habits of one person ruin things for you! It was her that was the problem because she is very good at presenting a front - not you for failing to recognize the depth of that front, that she played off so well as long as she could, in the midst of reading the signs.

Timing is not always correct, but that doesn't mean the connection isn't there!

(please check your phone messages, btw!)
tralfamadore ══╣╠══
Oh my, as hesitant as I am to speak about past relationships with others who have gone, there seems to be a very distinct pattern happening here, and one that is making me more and more ill-at-ease to uncover. Is it possible that we could create an entire society of the scorned ex-lovers of Lily/Aurilion? Attempting to define my own experience with her would bring about a simultaneous headache and heartache, but suffice it to say that it follows the same general pattern. The request for a relationship, the empty promises, and the sudden turnaround that came when she made me into her ultimate problem and professed that she just simply couldn't be with me any longer and we should stop all contact immediately.


Suffice it to say, Bel, that I hope very strongly for you that this all becomes what you are wanting. I for one fully believe in "forever." That doesn't mean that a relationship should be expected to stay stagnant, or will never change with the tides, of course. But like you I believe that it's a love that you just keep coming back to, one that fills your heart and soul each time it reappears, and you know that this person is one who was sent to you for a special purpose, and in one way or another ze will ALWAYS be with you.
theindiequeen ══╣╠══
I love reading posts like this! It makes me all smiley.

I'm so happy for you!
flower bunny
cunningbunny ══╣flower bunny╠══
I think very few people have a grasp of what "forever" really means. I've run into this same issue several times; I very much mean it when I say "forever," which is why I say it so rarely. I don't think it's a word to be used lightly, but most people think it's alright to use it frivolously, which just ends up being painful.

Living in the moment is important, I think especially for you right now since you mentioned that Viv will be going away soon. That doesn't mean the departure will be permanent, but I think it will be so much easier for you to handle when you manage to devote all your energy to the happiness at hand. You'll have something to carry you through the separation.
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
If it makes you feel any better, I've always refused to go on one of those ship rides.

You and Viv are glowing! You seem to really have a connection. :)

As for Aurilion, from what I can tell, she has done this to pretty much everyone she has dated. She told you she loved you and seemed to back it up with her actions. What conclusion could you make other than that she meant what she said? I feel Aurilion is the one who got it wrong, not you.

That said, it is normal to feel a loss of faith after this kind of breakup. You just need to remember that the now is full of love and wonder and that your intuition isn't going to lead you astray.

Also, I think when I some people say forever, they just mean they want to love them forever, not that they will. I mean it when I say forever, though I don't always mean we'll be together forever. I still love my first love, even though we aren't together. But I will love him forever.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.