Ze said that ze doesn't feel ze is in the right place for a romantic relationship right now (ze's going through a lot of change). I understand that, respect and admire it (and think, "See Bel, this is why you have the conversation BEFORE flinging yourself head over heels") -- but I'm also crushed. Because I have honestly never been so in love in my life. I've loved other people as deeply, maybe, but I've never been so completely in love. I usually recover very fast when someone's not interested in me, but when they ARE and they can't be with me ANYWAY, that's really really difficult for me.
I have the worst fucking luck! I feel like I'm on the wrong plane of existence.
Although honestly it's probably for the best... I do prefer to build friendships first and I very much want to be close friends with Viv. I think my worst fear is that we'll become close and then ze will fall for someone else and get involved and then I'll feel betrayed even though I shouldn't because there's no promise made or implied. I feel like I need to guard my heart against that happening which is maybe stupid but I don't know Viv that well yet and maybe ze just didn't fall for me like I did for zir. Okay, so that's the worst fear. I'm afraid that this was all my runaway emotions which ze got caught up in but didn't actually have a comparable amount of.
At the end of the night tonight we were talking and ze said, "let's stay in touch" which shocked me because I thought that wasn't in question. :-/ I'm not sure if ze's just not used to friends who work through disappointments or if ze doesn't have a desire to be close friends. I expressed my own desire for that. Now I suppose we just see what happens.
God/dess, what a week (yeah, holy shit, it all happened in a week). I'm exhausted and need hugs :-(