April 2018
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adjusting to being platonic with Viv / memories ♥


I'm feeling much better about the shift from romantic to platonic with Viv. I didn't think I'd be able to turn off the romantic desire like I usually can because it's VIV, but I've already pretty much done it! I was pretty fixated on whether or not ze had been as in love with me as I was with zir, partly because of curiosity and partly because if ze hadn't I would have been less inclined to turn this romantic again in the future, but I eventually realized that I don't need to know that NOW anyway so I let it go. And I keep remembering (in that 'reminder from deity' way) that a year or two ago I would not have felt it this keenly and if I was in a numb place I might have missed it entirely. So even if ze did not feel the connection nearly as strongly as I did, that doesn't mean ze won't in the future.

Something else I've been thinking about is zir sense of self-worth... If I gave zir a compliment ze would immediately contradict me, which bugged me but I did not react the right way, really -- I should have refrained from complimenting at least until my actions had a chance to convince zir a little. Instead I just kept on. I did ask if it made zir uncomfortable and ze said no, but I should have listened to zir actions also. I was trying to be fully open which is of course great, but for someone not used to that, I think it may be a good idea to build up to it, develop the trust first. I'll try to remember that some people just don't even have a way to hold the idea that someone might admire them, and repeatedly giving them the idea is not going to help them hold on to it. That's REALLY difficult for me because "oh my God/dess you're so amazing" is a thought that is so natural to me that sometimes it pops out of my mouth without me even realizing it.

And I'm going to share some bits that I don't want to forget ;-) Most of these I wrote on Wednesday.

Ze said that my kisses are the best ze's ever had (which gives me an illicit thrill; not usually down with comparison but I reeeeeally loved hearing that). Ze added that kissing me is exhilarating. ♥ and kissing zir is incredible... I'd give up coffee if I could have five minutes of Viv-kisses every day. Seriously. Give up coffee. SERIOUSLY.

Ze watches me with this kind of quiet fascination... I LOVE the way ze looks at me. Ze sees me in such a true way that I can feel it.

Every now and then I'll smell zir scent -- probably imagined -- and it gives me a jolt. And every now and then I'll memory-taste zir on my tongue and just melt.

We were sitting on the patio outside zir flat and I said, "I'm so fucking hot!" because it was like 95F and ze said, "I know" and then got all embarrassed and apologized. hee hee hee! Ze would apologize after every flirtatious thing ze said -- I thought that was so adorable!

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Comments
Raven
ladywind ══╣Raven╠══
1) ~headtilt, chin to palm~ So. Have you found any course-of-action that DOES work to help a person hold onto the idea that they're worthy of admiration? I've a small handful of glorious folk in my sphere who flee from "you're glorious" like pepper from soap, and if there's a way I could be or rephrase so that "you're glorious" has a chance to sink in... that'd be glorious, too. ~wry smile~

2) As much as a drag as Viv's "let's keep this friendly" might've been/might be, I've got to say that I admire zir for *actually* *saying* *what* *ze* *felt* instead of letting circumstance sweep zir along. Shows good faith in you and in zirself. Yah, Viv; here's to you. :)

3) I'm learning that keeping the beautiful, truth-showing bits of past relationships near to heart makes present relationships (with self and others) easier/more compassionate. Thank you for sharing some of your shinybits, here.
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
Actually, I really agree that it shows good strength of character, self-respect and respect for you that Viv told you early on and didn't let herself get swept away, as ladywind said.
wolfmare ══╣╠══
Hehe! It's fun following this as you post... Can sense how giddy you get just from the way you type.

Have to agree with the previous comment though, Yay for people who are willing to say outright how they feel and where they want things to stay for the time being. Very much a show of trust. ^_^
david/gillian - your head in my hands
musicandmisery ══╣david/gillian - your head in my hands╠══
I'll try to remember that some people just don't even have a way to hold the idea that someone might admire them, and repeatedly giving them the idea is not going to help them hold on to it. That's REALLY difficult for me because "oh my God/dess you're so amazing" is a thought that is so natural to me that sometimes it pops out of my mouth without me even realizing it.

I think this would be a very good thing to keep in mind, well written. For someone like me who has an incredibly low sense of self-worth/self-love, if any at all, you really described how I feel perfectly. It's not just a case of low self-esteem, it's a case where I can't see anybody liking/loving/appreciating me in ANY sort of way, however small. So I get super defensive and say "Oh you're crazy, shut up" or something along those lines. It's such a foreign concept to me, I have no idea how to handle it.

Blah, anyway. I could write a bunch more... maybe I'll make an entry? But I don't want to take away focus from your entry, it's not about me. :)

I'm INCREDIBLY happy that the romantic-platonic transition is going well for you, Bel. You are so incredibly strong. *hugs*
nuzzle
belenen ══╣nuzzle╠══
well it may not have been about you directly, but you did come to mind when I was writing that particular paragraph so I'm glad it resonated with you ♥ *hugs*
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.