Belenen (belenen) wrote,

Aurilion and I are back in contact and on friendly terms / feel un-relatably 'good' -- or privileged

Aurilion called me today (after texting yesterday to see if it was okay) -- ze'd been thinking about me while reading Shared Heart. After I recovered from the shock, we talked -- I told zir all about how I'd felt about zir cutting contact and ze apologized profusely and explained* and said that ze misses me and loves me and wants to be with me again. I said that I don't think I could ever close the door to the possibility of romance, but right now it won't work because my trust has been broken and will have to be built up again, and because there is a gap in understanding that won't be bridged until ze has the experience of living on zir own and supporting zirself. I added that I'm definitely open to friendship and I think we're going to try that. It was a really open and blunt conversation and I feel good about being back in contact and having forgiven zir. It feels like something was missing when we were out of contact and now it's back -- I feel more awake. There's something about our connection that sharpens my awareness of Life.

*One thing ze said was that I'd loved zir unconditionally, and that had been unthinkable to zir and ze'd felt that ze couldn't receive it, that ze had to earn it somehow and couldn't. I'm starting to have a weird complex about this, like I need to be a little dirtier or something because people seem to think that I'm just too good for them, but I'm SO not perfect and I have my own issues and anyone can do anything that I do or be anything that I am, I'm not extra-gifted or any more amazing than the next human being. And I mean... I used to be bitter and cynical and sarcastic and downright fucking spiteful and then paranoid and self-loathing and nonfunctional and frozen and depressed -- just because I'm not those things NOW doesn't mean that I don't understand that journey and feel it. I still identify with all those things. I still fear, I still have insecurities, I still get just as soul-crushingly lonely and teeth-grindingly furious and heart-rendingly self-rejecting, I still can't motivate to do things that are important to me and to life, I'm still learning who I am, I'm still on the same journey dammit! And it's always the ones I relate to the most who think that I'm not like them :-/

On the other hand, maybe it's my lack of current adversity that some people find it impossible to relate to. Maybe it's not that they think I'm too 'nice' but that I've got it too easy. I mean, I am fucking lucky (but I haven't always been...). Maybe that's just me projecting my own guilt for not having to struggle right now. I'll hope for the latter :-p
Tags: aurilion, forgiveness, love

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