belenen

Monday ··· 6·29·09 ··· 04:09 am

Aurilion and I are back in contact and on friendly terms / feel un-relatably 'good' -- or privileged

Aurilion called me today (after texting yesterday to see if it was okay) -- ze'd been thinking about me while reading Shared Heart. After I recovered from the shock, we talked -- I told zir all about how I'd felt about zir cutting contact and ze apologized profusely and explained* and said that ze misses me and loves me and wants to be with me again. I said that I don't think I could ever close the door to the possibility of romance, but right now it won't work because my trust has been broken and will have to be built up again, and because there is a gap in understanding that won't be bridged until ze has the experience of living on zir own and supporting zirself. I added that I'm definitely open to friendship and I think we're going to try that. It was a really open and blunt conversation and I feel good about being back in contact and having forgiven zir. It feels like something was missing when we were out of contact and now it's back -- I feel more awake. There's something about our connection that sharpens my awareness of Life.

*One thing ze said was that I'd loved zir unconditionally, and that had been unthinkable to zir and ze'd felt that ze couldn't receive it, that ze had to earn it somehow and couldn't. I'm starting to have a weird complex about this, like I need to be a little dirtier or something because people seem to think that I'm just too good for them, but I'm SO not perfect and I have my own issues and anyone can do anything that I do or be anything that I am, I'm not extra-gifted or any more amazing than the next human being. And I mean... I used to be bitter and cynical and sarcastic and downright fucking spiteful and then paranoid and self-loathing and nonfunctional and frozen and depressed -- just because I'm not those things NOW doesn't mean that I don't understand that journey and feel it. I still identify with all those things. I still fear, I still have insecurities, I still get just as soul-crushingly lonely and teeth-grindingly furious and heart-rendingly self-rejecting, I still can't motivate to do things that are important to me and to life, I'm still learning who I am, I'm still on the same journey dammit! And it's always the ones I relate to the most who think that I'm not like them :-/

On the other hand, maybe it's my lack of current adversity that some people find it impossible to relate to. Maybe it's not that they think I'm too 'nice' but that I've got it too easy. I mean, I am fucking lucky (but I haven't always been...). Maybe that's just me projecting my own guilt for not having to struggle right now. I'll hope for the latter :-p

sounds: Lily Allen - Back to the Start | Powered by Last.fm

connecting: aurilion, forgiveness, love

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oceanid ══╣╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-29 11:15 am (UTC) ◹◸

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I'm glad to hear that having Aurilion back in your life was a positive one for you :)

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belenen ══╣hopeful╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-29 10:12 pm (UTC) ◹◸

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yes, I think it will be a positive thing. ;-) I'm looking forward to experiencing this in a more relaxed way.

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cordite ══╣╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-29 11:36 am (UTC) ◹◸

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Maybe it's not that they think I'm too 'nice' but that I've got it too easy.

I don't know whether it's the case here but as an alternative view on this, I often feel incredibly strong guilt for sharing whatever adversity I'm going through (be it financial, the ongoing health saga etc. etc.) with my partner who currently has what anyone would consider a cushy life. I feel like it makes our relationship unfair when Joost sails through everything and I'm a drama followed by a crisis followed by a disaster, like I'm taking too much out of him and being a burden. I used to bite my tongue a lot when asked how I was because I didn't see the point in making both of us miserable even though I know now that dishonesty makes things worse.

Again, I can't say whether this is what might've happened here as I don't know either of you well enough but as someone who can also be horribly self-loathing, I wanted to give you a real example of a similar situation where there's nobody to blame.... Or something along those lines that's coherent and makes sense ^^;

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wolfmare ══╣╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-29 02:01 pm (UTC) ◹◸

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Oh, all too familiar with that feeling! For me, it's my family 'back home' that are a source of constant drama. I know I could cut ties with them, but until they do something truly wrong I can't bring myself to.

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belenen ══╣analytical╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-29 10:13 pm (UTC) ◹◸

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mmmm, yeah, I see what you mean! thanks for sharing that, it's a good thing to keep in mind.

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camilleyun ══╣╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-29 12:24 pm (UTC) ◹◸

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You write that you used to be this, that, and the other thing and that you're not now anymore. How did you get there? How did you stop? I want/need to do that.

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belenen ══╣self-love╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-29 10:26 pm (UTC) ◹◸

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well each thing was a journey of its own... I think for me a lot of it came from changing my thoughts consciously and having a clear goal -- like, I worked really hard to never even think negative things about myself (if I did, to immediately throw out the thought and replace it with a positive one, say it out loud, and try my best to believe it) and to remind myself to consider WHY someone might do something (because that helped me to have compassion). And also I was in counseling for about 3 years -- the first three counselors didn't help me much but then I found someone whom I really connected with and it was incredibly helpful. And cutting negative people out of my life and actively seeking positive people was helpful -- even though I was alone for a while I think my attitude about it is what helped to create the UNBELIEVABLY AMAZING web of friends I have now. I was going to write about this last thing but I'll give you the short version -- it's easy to discount one person who really loves you for who you are (maybe they're just specially kind), but when you have a whole group of people whom you really admire who admire and support you, you eventually are simply forced to realize that you are just as amazing as they are. And specifically with depression, I sought out things that brought me joy and made a big deal out of them and really focused on them, and when something bad would happen I would take it in manageable chunks, interspersed with happy distractions (like watching a sitcom) instead of doing what I used to do and trying to handle it all at once and getting completely stomped. I also made a point to treat myself -- at first I pretended like I was someone else giving it to me because that helped me to not feel guilty about it and feel loved by it, and eventually I was able to feel loved by myself without the pretense of separation. Actually that was really useful for me -- treating myself like I would treat someone else, because I knew how to love others but I didn't know how to love myself.

That's all very disorganized and off-the-cuff so let me know if anything needs explaining. ;-)

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camilleyun ══╣╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-30 11:39 am (UTC) ◹◸

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Josh is not being supportive at all right now and he is just so negative. Not that I'm not negative but he's not helping by his own negativity. Being that we are married I don't know what I'm meant to do but it's getting to the point where I'm constantly annoyed by this [see the post I just made]. I have no clue what to do. If I'm slumped on my sofa wanting to die what on earth makes him think I can just get up and go exercise so I can feel better? I'm so confused that I can't tell if he's being that much of a nightmare of if it's me being a total bitch.

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saturnsdaughter ══╣╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-29 01:06 pm (UTC) ◹◸

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I'm glad the two of you are back on friendly terms. I know what it's like to lose someone who means that much to you.

I can understand where they're coming from though. It's somewhat intimidating to be in the presence of someone in a better state of being than you are. Even though I know I can't change overnight, I become critical of myself for being so negative and then I expect the other person to be feeling the same way.

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belenen ══╣gentle╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-29 10:28 pm (UTC) ◹◸

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♥ thank you!

mmm, yeah, I hear you on that :-( that's hard.

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shioneh ══╣thankful╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-29 02:08 pm (UTC) ◹◸

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♥

I'm really happy you're connecting in a positive way again and I hope that communicating leads to healing for you.

I can't speak for others of course but I don't get a feeling of not being able to relate because you're not struggling. I really feel that that easier stable times are nourishment and allow us to give more love to ourselves and others. I'm sorry you struggle with guilt, I also relate to that a lot with certain things I have easier in my life than other people. There is dissatisfaction in some areas of my life but somehow that doesn't make me feel disconnected from you. I love that you seek to love yourself and your life and listen to your needs. Perhaps if it is a problem for others it's because they aren't acknowledging theirs? Or perhaps as others pointed out it's a fear of being seen as 'negative' for struggling. I think I don't feel that way with you because I've had experience of you hurting in the past and I've seen that you don't deny your suffering when you feel it which is equally vital to me as believing in happiness.

So anyway 'poopies' to anyone that isn't happy for your happy :-) (It's too hot and I can't think of a more eloquent way to put that)

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fyrebard ══╣╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-29 08:19 pm (UTC) ◹◸

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could you have chosen any cuter of an icon?

Aside from the oo-ing and aw-ing over your icon-y goodness, though, I agree!!! :)

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belenen ══╣bel bites happy apple hannah╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-29 10:31 pm (UTC) ◹◸

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*hugs!*

mmmm, I like what you said about having seen me when I was hurting, I do think that's part of it... a lot of things that might bowl someone else under (and would certainly have crushed me in the past) are pretty easy for me to handle now, and if a person never sees me getting swept under I suppose it can look like I'm invulnerable. Yet it is hard for me to share my vulnerability (still) so that creates a paradox. But this gives me more motivation to work on sharing my vulnerability. ♥

hee hee *hugs!!!*

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moonvoice ══╣ghibli - totoro - doubt╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-29 02:17 pm (UTC) ◹◸

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How do you feel when you think you might need to 'dirty yourself up a bit' to be on other people's levels? I would find that a horrible feeling, personally, but was wondering how you felt about it.

I'm glad Aurilion got in touch and had used the time between you both to actually think about the issues between you.

*hugs*

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belenen ══╣disassociative╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-29 10:35 pm (UTC) ◹◸

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it feels CRAPPY, like I can't be good enough in the right ways, or like I'm shut out. But I've just realized that part of the problem is that in addition to actually being pretty stable, I pretend to be more stable than I am, without even realizing it. It's still hard for me to share when I am insecure or uncertain or hurting. I think this is good motivation for working more on that though.

♥ me too!

*hugs*

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moonvoice ══╣ghibli - PM - night-walker╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-30 12:32 am (UTC) ◹◸

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I pretend to be more stable than I am, without even realizing it.

That makes a lot of sense, and I imagine there are a lot of reasons for doing this as well. I mean it may be - as you say - because it's hard for you to share when you are feeilng scared or hurt. But also, it could be because you have learnt that other people are more likely to be calm and responsive, when you are projecting stability and calm to them? Maybe it's about learning when to switch that off? Because I'd say being more calm then you are, gives you an idea of what it might be like to live that way one day.

It sounds like an awesome character trait that just needs to be turned off sometimes, and that can be really hard. I think I sometimes project calmness and supportiveness to others, when I am feeling anything but, or worse, looking for support. It's frustrating, because I know where I want to be internally, but sometimes I'm reminded I'm just not there yet.

But where we are is awesome, and just where we need to be in this moment. *hugs*

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frecklestars ══╣adventurous╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-29 04:08 pm (UTC) ◹◸

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Good to hear the two of you are talking again. I hope it continues to go well.

Also, I'd also be curious to hear what you used to be like. Such a huge transformation (and I confess I'm a bit guilty of thinking you're nearing a state of awesome that I can only dream of) would be interesting to reflect on. Although it's possible you've already written about it and I just missed it. In any case, I would say that it isn't up to you to "dirty yourself up" as you put it: it's up to other people to not put you on a pedestal and realize that you are human as well. Even if you come off as someone with infinite patience and love that I admire. Then again, I'd rather admire humans than perfect creations (a play on Donna Haraway's "I would rather be a cyborg than a goddess").

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belenen ══╣artless╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-29 10:55 pm (UTC) ◹◸

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thank you ♥

well... some of my oldest entries reflect it, although more of the broken and frozen part than the mean and rotten part (because most of that was before I started LJing). http://belenen.livejournal.com/tag/soul-spirit+issues & http://belenen.livejournal.com/tag/pain (if you go back to the beginning) show some of it.

*hugs* thank you for saying that ♥

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xenopsi ══╣╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-29 05:35 pm (UTC) ◹◸

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I am sincerely happy that you are happy. I admit, I'm wary because I hope she doesn't hurt you again, but you are happy and that's what matters most. :)

I can't imagine not feeling drawn to you solely based on the fact that you're positive and warm and "seem" to be doing well in life. You're fucking awesome.

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aerialmelodies ══╣Flowers╠══

◹◸ 2009-06-29 08:12 pm (UTC) ◹◸

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Diversity is the spice of life. You and I are similar, yet different. It's how we learn and grow - I embrace it fully. :) Plus who else would've shown me Full Radius? Or the drum circle? We both enjoyed those activities, but I would have been completely ignorant had you not mentioned it. I can't wait for more discoveries. <3

Also, you're not struggling now because you have made it that way for yourself. Circumstances happen unexpectedly, but how we handle them affects how we view our lives. Whether you have obstacles in your path currently or not, you're choosing to handle them in a positive manner. That is why you have no struggles and may come off as "perfect". Well, you are perfect the way you are, but you know what I mean.

Oh what the hell. Like

xenopsi says: You're fucking awesome. There. XD I am too long-winded for my own good!

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