Belenen (belenen) wrote,

time w Viv is bittersweet -- still in love (though not lust) / hurting over not knowing Viv's heart

oh... *sigh* being around Viv is so bittersweet, bitterbitterbittersweet. At least the memory of kissing zir has faded somewhat so I'm not overwhelmed with desire (at least, not as often as I was that first week), but that has been replaced with a more nebulous yet every bit as intense longing... I can stop wanting sex but I can't stop being in love (fuck!). And though I am doing a good job of being present and enjoying what is, every now and then I wonder what ze's feeling -- is it only difficult for me? And also, what the fuck am I going to do if I stay feeling like this but ze isn't ever in love with me? I'm afraid I'll want to stop being friends because it hurts. But I CAN'T do that. Fuck.

and I get really confused by things like tonight (after I told zir how Aurilion called me up and we talked and decided to be friends) when ze told me that ze met up with zir ex 17 days ago (the day before we met), right before the ex left for Italy for 8 weeks, and added, "I just thought I should tell you." What does that mean? does it mean I should realize that ze's just killing time until the ex comes back? or that ze's mentioning for openness sake because ze considers us sort of... semi-together? argh. I know ze's still somewhat hung up on zir ex (who is monogamous...) but I'm not sure how much. Ze was wearing a ring associated with the ex but has now stopped wearing it.

I'm trying so hard to just be okay with not knowing... but I don't know if I can be. I might need to talk with zir more about zir feelings/reasons, but I don't want to because I'm afraid of the answers and because I don't want to realize all over again just how much this breaks my heart.

Fuck, it kinda just hit me how much this hurts. I really need someone to hold me and let me cry over this :-( I'm sitting here crying so hard I can't see the screen.

FUCK, I WANT MY HEART BACK. Fucking piece of shit, stop running off!
Tags: pain, viv

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