When I'm around Viv, I open up in this whole new way (I wonder if some of my spiritually-aware friends can see this) -- and one of the side effects of that is that I feel everything FAR more intensely. Last week I went to a panel discussion on trans human rights with Viv, and the combination of hearing about the abuses inflicted on trans people and being among a group of very 'aware' people while in Viv's presence was just overwhelming. By the time it was over I was feeling on the verge of panic, and even though I wanted to hang out with some of Viv's friends, I just couldn't bear to be around people right then -- I felt overstimulated to the point where even eye contact was too much for me. I can almost feel my spirit sort of 'bloom' when I'm around Viv. I feel like I'm learning awareness (in a completely non-conscious way), and I feel far more in touch with my own feelings. I've been realizing a lot about myself and crystallizing a lot of my own goals (which I have yet to share because they're still coming together).
So even though it can be REALLY painful to be around Viv, I feel like it has a positive effect overall. I mean... I've shared more of my feelings in the past two weeks than I have in the past five months. I cried last night, actually letting myself FEEL my own pain. I often cry over others' pain but find it very difficult to release my own because it makes me so aware of how I have no one to be strong for me, which is usually too much for me to bear and drops me into a lengthy depression. But this time, even though the sorrow lasted until this afternoon, I didn't fall into depression. I think I may be learning (at long long last) how to be strong for myself without closing off.
I know it can be upsetting to see someone you care about hurting but not doing anything to get rid of the thing causing the hurt, but this is a clean pain, like the soreness in muscles when you use them more than usual -- so I hope you won't worry too much. I'll keep aware and guard my heart if the situation gets toxic. And thank you all SO much for your wise and kind words ♥
