November 2017
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broken trust, stupid faith


B (soon-to-be-ex-partner) just told me that ze "doesn't agree with" my "philosophies and lifestyle," and in fact hasn't for years. I've never been so betrayed; I've been lied to in such a massive way. I can't even really take it in. I've been living with a stranger.

I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to trust anymore. Who the fuck am I without that? How am I so easily fooled? Why do I trick myself into believing things that are so OBVIOUSLY NOT TRUE??? Why don't I ever listen to my mind when things don't add up?

And I'm pretty angry with myself right now because I keep making the same fucking mistake. I pour energy into a relationship, having faith that it'll eventually be returned in equal measure. But what really happens is that eventually I run out and stop, and then the other person throws me away, because they didn't really want ME, they just wanted what I had to give. B's never really been my friend (though I was zir friend). Friends show interest in your life. Friends notice when you're hurting and reach out. Friends tell the truth even if it hurts. Friends make effort to show you love.

But I know I'm just going to do it again, in the vain hope that next time I'll manage to pick someone who actually sees me and loves ME. I kinda hate myself for it, but at the same time... If I had to do it over again I would have done it mostly the same way. I'd just have planned an escape route instead of having to depend on the honor of someone I can't trust. I just can't live being suspicious of people I love. I'd hate life too much. I'd hate people too much. But why isn't my heart ever right? I'm really tired of feeling like an idiot for listening to it.

and I'm really tired of crying.

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Comments
belenen ══╣disassociative╠══
it's a betrayal, even though it wasn't purposeful. Because our whole relationship was based on honesty at any cost, and on checking with oneself to be absolutely sure that what one said was what one meant. And by not doing that, B betrayed me.

I cannot and will not see dishonesty as a way of expressing love, whether it is lying to oneself or to someone else. But it won't make me bitter because I can't live that way.

ETA: I appreciate the intent of your comment ♥
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.