July 2018
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feeling better / how to trust without pure openness&honesty / Viv's moving

After your amazingly loving comments, a ton of sleep with disjointed muted-anger dreams, a wonderful night out with most of my local tribe (Saleena, Ash, justben, Davey, Brigit, Josh, and Paul), and a long thoughtful conversation with Viv, I'm feeling better. I'm still quite hurt but I'm not so angry at myself or B anymore, and I'm not feeling like I want to curl up and die.

I guess I'm going to have to accept the fact that most people aren't going to be able to give me the pure unvarnished truth, because they cannot reach it themselves. I think I looked at the fact that I learned it and that Hannah learned it, and I assumed that it was something everyone could learn and once learned, anyone would be as passionate about it as Hannah and me. I really, really wish that were true, but it's not. I think the biggest part of the problem with B was that ze was doing it for me, not because ze actually wanted it for zirself (and the same thing happened with Aurilion, although ze showed a lot more enthusiasm than B did). So ze only went as far as I pushed, and then when I stopped, lapsed right back into passivity and detachment, with the occasional shift when I got upset about it. And I didn't want to see that so I went along with the occasional shift and pretended that that was a sincere devotion to honesty/openness.

If I were ever to have a partner again, I'd have to be with someone who had their own devotion to honesty/openness, completely separate from me; most likely it'd have to be something that was already a habit for them before meeting me. But for friends and lovers, I think I can take whatever is offered. The conflict I still face is -- do I accept everything at face value and deal with the pain that results when it is not true, or do I study everything carefully and try to figure out the truth so that I won't be shocked and hurt later? I really hate doing the latter, but right now it feels like I can't do the former. I've been noticing the most ridiculous thoughts, like wondering if people secretly hate me or mock me or are disgusted by me. I want to go back to believing the best of everyone, not expecting the worst.

The worst part about having my faith in people broken is that it takes other people to mend it. It's not something I can really do on my own (though I can help the process along by looking for the good, I think).

In other news, Viv's moving to Seattle in about two weeks, for probably at least a year. :-( It's a good thing for zir (secure place to live and job opportunities) but it's hard for me to be happy for zir because I'm just going to miss zir so damn much.

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sidheblessed ══╣╠══
So what will happen between you and B now? Will you each get your own place?

As for partners, I strongly feel that people need to go into a relationship with the same core values. Obviously a healthy partnership helps you learn and grow but there are certain fundamentals that you either click on or not. I truly believe you will meet someone who shares your values on openness and honesty and that you will have a loving partnership.

*hugs* I'm sorry to hear that Viv is moving, I know you will miss zir.
divinemiss_em ══╣╠══
I was going to comment on your last post, but wanted a little time to think about what would be appropriate to say and now it seems like the time has passed and that you have moved on from that place a little.

First, i´m so sorry that you are going through a sad time with B. My husband and I are now in the process of trying to figure out how to separate at the moment, so I know. it´s really freaking hard. I think everyone grows and changes to a certain extent over time, and sometimes relationships can grow and evolve with them and sometimes, unfortunately, they can´t.

As per your honesty policy, I can totally see how that could cause problems with someone who wasn´t 100% committed to it. We are taught all our lives that some things just aren´t to be shared (I guess that is a lie by omission) and that other things we should say even if we don´t completely believe in them. I guess what i´m trying to say is that most of our society isn´t ready for such a radical (although totally intuitively right) policy. I feel that by opening yourself up so much, by always putting ALL of your cards on the table, of course you run an enormous risk of people taking advantage of you, not being truthful and thus, hurting you. But I also think that by doing that, by doing what you think is right without compromise, you are putting out so much positivity into the world that it has to come back to you. It HAS to! I believe that a life that is lived out of fear and avoidance of pain isn´t a genuine life at all. And you are clearly genuine :)

I hope that made sense.
xochitl ══╣weeds╠══
One of my lovers/best friends is planning to move to Boston, so believe me, I know how you feel.
delicatexflower ══╣hope. "greeny happy feety"╠══


i know i haven't comment much at all here and i'm so sorry about that. it's only because of my injury, but i wanted to come on here and tell you how much i love you and how i think of you profoundly. i know you are going to grow so much from all of these painful experiences. you are a flower rising from your roots and blooming right in front of us... you will get through this bel! ♥
girlslovegirls7 ══╣╠══
oh sisy. im so sorry about viv. now i know why things r effecting you so much. i love you, i love you, i love you. i can assure you when people think about you they admire you! your a walking ball of coffie like high, people wake up when there around you. dont feel bad thoughts, you are amazing and the hurt part of you will heal..
austentatious ══╣╠══
I am just so sorry that you're hurting like this. I hate how breakups can make you feel so full of self-doubt. I really hope that you still can believe the best in everyone. I know that it must be so hard, and I hope that you do find someone who is as passionate and devoted to your beliefs as you are. *hugs*
queerbychoice ══╣╠══
I'm not sure why it hadn't occurred to me to do this long before now, but I think I should encourage you and seifaiden to get to know each other on LiveJournal. You have several things in common, including issues with gender, being poly, and attempting long-term serious relationships with people who don't really share your beliefs about gender or polyamory.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.