Belenen (belenen) wrote,

♥ ♥ ♥

Last Thursday I was hurting a lot from the discussion I had with my ex-partner and I was feeling a need for cuddles, so I randomly asked justben (who was sitting across from me) if ze would like to hold hands. Ze agreed happily and we held hands for a long while -- it was so comforting ♥ It helped so much that I decided to go to the cuddle party on Saturday all by myself -- luckily Ben and Nicole were there so I didn't feel too sad that Viv & Ash weren't. Ben and I cuddled for a while and eventually ze confessed that ze'd had a crush on me for a while and I told zir that I'd been crushing on zir too! We snuggled up more and I giggled with happiness -- and ze said that ze likes my laugh ♥ which means a lot to me because my laughter is something that's very central to who I am. I felt so recognized and appreciated. And being so close felt like basking in honeyed sunlight; I'd felt some of Ben's presence before but never made prolonged eye contact -- WOW. Ze has such an incredibly sweet presence! Oh, and ze told me that ze hadn't wanted to look in my eyes on Thursday for fear of getting stuck *giggleglee!* At the end of the cuddle party ze asked if ze could kiss me (hee!) but I didn't feel comfortable kissing in that environment. When I said so, ze said, "well I'll just have to ask you again later." And ze did, on Monday after the meeting. We sat on a bench outside of the restaurant and snuggled and kissed ♥ I don't know how long we were out there but some people came out and one said to the other, "They're still kissing!" so I'm guessing it was a while :D And ohmyGod/dess it was amazing. I felt completely content and giddy, anticipatory and replete. mmmmmm.

This is so new to me, just acting on impulse rather than considering everything logically. I've not even been asking myself the usual questions -- you know, "What is the nature and purpose and direction of this?" Of course now that I'm writing I'm tempted, but I like the organic way it's unfolding and I like holding it in an open hand, so I'm going to continue without questions, for now.

It's beautiful and it makes me happy ♥
Tags: hope, joy

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