I found out that I'm not going on the equality ride next spring, which is a huge disappointment to say the least. I'd really felt like this was the perfect time for it, but I suppose it wasn't because it's not happening. I would be more crushed but I'm choosing to have faith that it's not happening because there's something better for me. I'm feeling a little shakier about having moved further north because I'd put off moving to Atlanta mostly because I was planning on moving after the equality ride anyway. But then, the timing of my unplanned move and the rejection news makes me think it was meant to happen this way. And I feel like living with Ash is really important right now, though I couldn't say exactly why -- it just feels right. So I've started looking for a job in the area and should hopefully hear back from some people within the week. It's really bothering me to have to use my legal name but it would probably make a serious tangle to change it before the divorce so oh well.
Speaking of which, I've been thinking about asking everyone to call me James for a while, even those who do know me well... I'm not sure on that yet. But "Bel" is almost an endearment; it says "I know, understand, and care about you, the real you" and James is a name; it's me. Mostly I only feel discordance when someone introduces me as Bel or refers to me as Bel to someone who doesn't know me, but it's pretty hard for people to call me one name and refer to me as another. I do like being called Bel though, so I don't want to tell people NOT to call me Bel (unless they don't know me) -- agh, ambivalence!
And even moving, officially separating from my ex, shifting plans for life -- these things are petty compared to the emotional and spiritual changes going on with me right now. This connection I have with Ben feels like it's altering me radically and it's got me constantly spinning -- I feel like I'm in a transdimensional whirlwind and I have no idea where I'm going to end up or what I'm going to be when I get there. I've felt deeply moved by connections before, even like I was metamorphosing, but never like I was shifting so fast I couldn't mark the stages. I'm just letting it shift me, watching with my eyes as wide as they'll go, living this alchemy as fully as I can. And oh, so thrillingly ecstatically loving it.
shooting off sparks into the dark, out in the street
‘cause one day I am going to bloom
patient and proud
with fish in my mouth
and eyes in my wings
What kind of creature shall I be?
Midsummer Night's Dream -- Noe Venable