Belenen (belenen) wrote,

moved in with Ash / not going on Equality Ride 2010 / name / intense emotional & spiritual changes

My life's been an explosion of change the past week; I moved out of my ex's place and in with Ash -- it had been sort of a vague possibility and all of a sudden it just happened. I'm still sort of reeling from that -- I think I was ready to move but at the same time, I had lived in that apartment for FIVE YEARS almost to the day, which is a very long time to me. It feels like a rebirth. I've gotten almost all settled (my altar isn't set up yet because I need a tall person's help to hang the curtain) and I feel rather in awe of my space. It's such a relief to have a space I can go that is entirely mine, where I can decorate however I want and do whatever I want without worrying about how it affects someone else. I hadn't realized just how much I edited out of concern for my ex -- I did it freely and don't regret it, but oh I'm enjoying just being free. And it's lovely to have Ash as my flatmate! I had anticipated it being more of an adjustment but it's been so comfortable to share space with zir, as if we'd already been doing it for ages.

I found out that I'm not going on the equality ride next spring, which is a huge disappointment to say the least. I'd really felt like this was the perfect time for it, but I suppose it wasn't because it's not happening. I would be more crushed but I'm choosing to have faith that it's not happening because there's something better for me. I'm feeling a little shakier about having moved further north because I'd put off moving to Atlanta mostly because I was planning on moving after the equality ride anyway. But then, the timing of my unplanned move and the rejection news makes me think it was meant to happen this way. And I feel like living with Ash is really important right now, though I couldn't say exactly why -- it just feels right. So I've started looking for a job in the area and should hopefully hear back from some people within the week. It's really bothering me to have to use my legal name but it would probably make a serious tangle to change it before the divorce so oh well.

Speaking of which, I've been thinking about asking everyone to call me James for a while, even those who do know me well... I'm not sure on that yet. But "Bel" is almost an endearment; it says "I know, understand, and care about you, the real you" and James is a name; it's me. Mostly I only feel discordance when someone introduces me as Bel or refers to me as Bel to someone who doesn't know me, but it's pretty hard for people to call me one name and refer to me as another. I do like being called Bel though, so I don't want to tell people NOT to call me Bel (unless they don't know me) -- agh, ambivalence!

And even moving, officially separating from my ex, shifting plans for life -- these things are petty compared to the emotional and spiritual changes going on with me right now. This connection I have with Ben feels like it's altering me radically and it's got me constantly spinning -- I feel like I'm in a transdimensional whirlwind and I have no idea where I'm going to end up or what I'm going to be when I get there. I've felt deeply moved by connections before, even like I was metamorphosing, but never like I was shifting so fast I couldn't mark the stages. I'm just letting it shift me, watching with my eyes as wide as they'll go, living this alchemy as fully as I can. And oh, so thrillingly ecstatically loving it.

So I run out but not away
shooting off sparks into the dark, out in the street
‘cause one day I am going to bloom
patient and proud
with fish in my mouth
and eyes in my wings
What kind of creature shall I be?

Midsummer Night's Dream -- Noe Venable
Tags: ashe, hope, joy, names, social justice / feminism, spirituality, turning points

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