July 2018
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reflections on partnership, polyamory, and soulfriendship


Since I broke up with my ex I've become aware that the structure we had while we were together really didn't work for me. The idea of having primary and secondary relationships has always been something I wanted to avoid, but when one person always gets more of my time and energy, there's a hierarchy whether I like it or not. I want all people to have the opportunity for an equal impact on my life. If I am sharing more of my life with one person, then creating that opportunity is far more difficult (if not impossible). That's one reason I really don't want to live with a lover again.

It used to be that my 'ideal' relationship was a closed circle with 2-4 people, all of whom were involved with each other or at least good friends and all of whom lived with me. Now my 'ideal' is really more about me -- I want to have a life that is fully my own which I invite people into but do not share completely with any person. I see every relationship as three people; me, the other, and the shared self. For me, in a partnership I tend to become more of that shared self than I am my separate self. I don't know if it is my natural response to sharing everything, or an immaturity, but I cannot share my whole life with someone else without editing myself to better match the shared self (which is constructive if the shared self can teach me, and destructive if the shared self cannot teach me). When I first got together with my ex, I stepped into a box that was SO much larger than the one I'd been living in with my parents, and oh what a relief it was! But I grew until I filled all the corners -- and the second I left the box I began expanding. There is no way I could fit back in now, even if the box was repaired. And so even if I find a box that is much larger than I am and would be comfortable, I don't want to take the chance of growing into box-shape again. I want to live outside of all structure instead.

And this makes me consider the concept of soulfriendship. I don't know if I want to have that again either. All of those qualities are things I strive for in every friendship, and I definitely think having them as a clear, dedicated mutual focus is amazingly helpful and growthful, but it IS a more intense form of relationship and it takes a great deal of time and energy. Thus one simply doesn't have as much for other relationships and they become secondary by default. I didn't have the same lessening-of-self experience with soulfriendship, but that may be because my soulfriendship was long-distance and therefore there was separateness included. I think soulfriendship is something I'll want to try again sometime, but I'm pretty sure it won't be soon. I've valued blending above being, and I need to learn being before I practice blending again.

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Comments
cute.
delicatexflower ══╣cute. "cat and full moon"╠══

bm. this is very interesting... perhaps you had to go through with what you had to with your ex-partner to come out of this experience finding out what works for you best in your relationships...

i get a good energy feeling from this entry. growth. you are growing more and more aware of what you WANT and NEED in a relationship.

i'm so proud of you! ♥ xo
zen_sakka ══╣╠══
Off topic - but I've decided to go the CP on Sunday! So I'll see you there!

*excited*
storeyphoto ══╣╠══
I so understand and relate to your sentiments. Not being in a relationship is so freeing after being married for most of my adult life. My therapist asked me what I wanted from a relationship and I had to honestly answer that I do not know. I just don't want one right now. Maybe that will change and maybe it won't. Keep learning!
WTWTA: Friendship
kschap ══╣WTWTA: Friendship╠══
Very interesting thoughts you've written here, and ones that I find myself relating to.

It's so great to see you growing and shifting. :) ♥
Mona Lisa is on break.
xochitl ══╣Mona Lisa is on break.╠══
I can relate so much! This is why I'm getting my own room after we move. I have no problems living with D, because I have no issue being housemates; but sharing a bedroom is just too much for me, and I don't feel like I have enough freedom because I have to schedule my relationship with J around what D is doing. I hate the primary/secondary hierarchy too, but it's kind of unavoidable most of the time.
Love
sylvanfae ══╣Love╠══
Good changes, good good idea being with yourself. It's beautiful that you get to learn what you need and the freedom to put it into practice. I'm happy for you. =)
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.