Belenen (belenen) wrote,

I was in love with my ex for 18 years and we were together for nearly 8. That is a fucking lot of emotional investment and I'm not over it. yet.

I've realized that I really wouldn't know how to relate to zir platonically. I can't imagine just being friends, and not necessarily because I'd want sex but because without it, I don't think there is anything at all between us anymore. I'm not really sure what to think of that... but it seems pretty shitty to me that after all those years there is nothing between us that lasted. We had two things -- sex, and a shared faith in the same Deity. My faith has changed and zirs has faded so now we have nothing to make a friendship with.

And how it is that ze managed to spend so much time with me and know me not at all? (am I really that dull or unrelatable??)

We talked for about an hour today as ze caught me up on zir life. Ze asked "how's Ben?" -- which shocked me because it's the first unprompted, genuine question about my life in years -- and then went on to say that ze keeps up with my LJ. Now? really? what? NOW??? what the fuck, really. Ze also told me that ze's made a commitment to zir new lover (oh yeah, ze's in love) to be open and honest always, and added that ze thinks that part of our problem was that ze never really made that commitment to me. (YA THINK?) It's like ze's come out of an emotional coma. And while I don't want to be in a relationship with zir, I feel pretty cheated that the connection I yearned for, begged for, fought for, worked for, and never got is so casually and effortlessly given to this new person. It makes sense in a way because there's no sense of debt making it seem larger than it is, but that doesn't stop me feeling ill-used.

Although, thinking on this... it seems like ze actually did learn things through our relationship, just never managed to live them with me. I find that bizarrely comforting. All the time and energy I put in might not have resulted in the love I wanted from zir, but at least it brought good into the world. At least it wasn't wasted. Ze didn't fake all of the growth/change -- some of it was real.

so, to B -- I'm glad you're happy. It's been a long time and no one should have to go so long without joy. I hope you can take all the best from our time together, and I hope there's nothing that holds you back. I wish you love and joy and freedom.
Tags: b - ex-partner, honesty, openness, sex, spirituality

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