March 2018
        1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30 31

hookah is meditative / missing Hannah / frustration with cold and etc.

Last night I went out with justben to Cafe Istanbul and had delicious food and smoked hookah. I really love smoking hookah; it's such a meditative activity for me, maybe because I focus on my breathing when I'm playing with the smoke. I want to buy a hookah of my own and incorporate smoking into my spiritual practice. It's not something I'd do every day -- I think my limit would be once or twice a month -- but I think it'd be useful.


I don't know if I've just been "in" too much lately or what, but for the past few days I've been lonely. I miss Hannah! I haven't seen zir in almost a year and a half. We haven't talked much lately yet I still miss zir so much. I miss sharing the same insane, crude, fake-erudite and surreal sense of humor. I miss the pure, free-flowing communication -- constant verbal expression of feelings and questioning. I miss how we get excited in exactly the same way and over the same things; jumping up and down and giggling/shrieking over something as simple as colors or glitter. I miss cuddles and shoulder kisses and sneaky cheek bites and piranhaface and dolphinnose. I miss seeing myself through the lens of zir camera. I miss looking for the magic together. I am not sure why I'm missing zir so much right now, unless it's just the fact that it's been so long since I've seen zir. At the flatwarming I was so happy to be among such incredible people but I felt zir absence at the same time and wished ze could have been there. There's this childish joy that we share that I miiiiiiiiss.

And I think the cold is starting to get to me, argh. I don't want to go out because it'scolddammit but when I stay in too much I start feeling restless and irritable. And I want a job nowdammit, I need to be free from relying on my ex and I need some forced activity to keep me from hibernating. And also I want more cuddles. It's like I've starved for so long and I'm finally having some nourishment and it just makes me hungrier. blahblahblah. Don't get me wrong -- I'm still the happiest I've ever been, overall. This week has just been kinda difficult and I'm getting frustrated with not yet moving forward. And I'm almost out of contacts so I've been wearing my glasses a lot which makes me feel half-awake, UGH. mudddddyyyyyyyemotionsyuckkkkkkk.

My lil sis may come to visit next week ♥ It'll be so lovely to have zir around, being all cute-silly and snuggly.

connecting: , ,

back to top

hands_cupped ══╣╠══
Perhaps the feelings of missing Hannah came on so strongly now because you opened yourself up to more... joy and such? I remember you said that at the flatwarming party, you actually allowed yourself to open up and feel the connections with people. Maybe a part of your heart got unblocked.

Just a wild idea, I'm not trying to assume anything for you.
I find it an interesting coincidence, though, that's all.
hands_cupped ══╣╠══
Maybe a part of your heart got unblocked.

Meaning that part of you that was able to seek and experience the "childlike joy" with Hannah?


:) for your sister potentially coming.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.