Belenen (belenen) wrote,

ramblings about my body changing shape

My body's been changing shape lately. I find this really fascinating, especially when I remember how I used to react. When I first started loving my body, I did so by attaching my identity to the way I looked right then, so any change would set off a panic -- it made me feel out of control, like my identity was slipping away from me. I think I used to feel that a body shouldn't change shape or size -- that everyone had one particular look they were supposed to have their entire adult life (which is, of course, bullshit, as most people change a lot). But now? when my body changes, I watch it with curiosity and anticipation, like I'd watch an artist paint. I love that my body constantly shifts.

I've been more active lately and I think that's been burning fat, because my belly feels much softer than usual, and instead of going straight down from my breasts it curves in a little first under my ribs and then flares out. I've also been sitting on an exercise ball when I'm at the computer, and I think that's been strengthening my core muscles -- I have the teeniest bit of a ridge along the sides of my belly (probably noticeable only to me). Honestly, I was a bit worried that my hips would narrow down, but they haven't (I'd be okay if they did, but I must admit that wide hips on women are the one physical attribute that ALWAYS catches my eye and I like seeing hip-y-ness in the mirror). Oh, and my hips have always been C-shaped (one single curve from waist to leg) but they seem to be becoming more B-shaped (curves out from waist, in again at hipbone, and out before narrowing to leg) -- that is REALLY odd because I thought that that was something that didn't change in people! it's not very pronounced, so it may be a temporary thing, but still, cool. I envy that B-shaped-hipped people can wear hip chains (C-shaped-hipped people can wear waist chains but hip chains will just slip off) so if it DOES shift in a major way I'll likely make myself a ton of hip chains. And my calves are widening (wide calves are another thing that I find outrageously hot on either sex). And I think my breasts are slanting down more. For the sake of bra-shopping I really hope they're not changing size :-p Oh! and my breasts make diamond-shaped cleavage now! OMG, I love that. I've only seen it on one other person and I thought it was SO unique and amazing, and now mine do it :D :D :D I'll have to take a photo because it's really impossible to explain. Also my bum is rounder and more move-y, which means I tend to absent-mindedly smack it to feel it ripple. (Ash took this as an invitation to smack it zirself, Which It Was Not, and earned zir the threat promise of a frog in the arm if ze tries that shit again!)

Feeling the increase in energy and stamina as I've been more active has reminded me that I want to regain my strength. I want to get some weights and build up my arms and back enough to do handstands and cartwheels again (even if that means I'll have to get a mega-squish sports bra and pants). I want to regain my flexibility too, because it affects my movements so distinctly -- when flexible I play with movement a lot more.

Also Greta randomly told me I have pretty hands, which surprised me because my hands are the one thing that I don't at all find attractive about myself. I don't hate them anymore, but they're probably my least-favorite feature (though I think my fingernails are pretty). So that made me happy, and brought me a little closer to liking them. ;-)

Oh, and I don't know how true this is, but I remember hearing that your body uses fat cells to store stuff it's not sure how to process, including toxins -- so I think processing/burning old lipids might be part of the reason I got sick this week (sick enough to go to the doctor and get prescription medication, which I pretty much never do). I've been eating pretty healthily for about a year and a half now (and been vegetarian for the past 8 months, which I keep meaning to write about) but most of my fat is more than two years old (unless it gets recycled, I'm not quite sure how it works). Before June of 2008 when I read The Secret Life Of Plants, I ate mostly dead, chemical-filled food (fast, frozen, or highly-processed), so my fat probably has a lot of processed food ickiness in it. I'd rather not move to a smaller size but if that's what my body wants, safety pins will work ;-) For now things seem to be shifting shape but not size.

and I need a new curvygirl icon because this one is over a year old! who wants to take photos of me and let me direct? :D
Tags: body image, food

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