July 2018
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ramblings about my body changing shape

My body's been changing shape lately. I find this really fascinating, especially when I remember how I used to react. When I first started loving my body, I did so by attaching my identity to the way I looked right then, so any change would set off a panic -- it made me feel out of control, like my identity was slipping away from me. I think I used to feel that a body shouldn't change shape or size -- that everyone had one particular look they were supposed to have their entire adult life (which is, of course, bullshit, as most people change a lot). But now? when my body changes, I watch it with curiosity and anticipation, like I'd watch an artist paint. I love that my body constantly shifts.

I've been more active lately and I think that's been burning fat, because my belly feels much softer than usual, and instead of going straight down from my breasts it curves in a little first under my ribs and then flares out. I've also been sitting on an exercise ball when I'm at the computer, and I think that's been strengthening my core muscles -- I have the teeniest bit of a ridge along the sides of my belly (probably noticeable only to me). Honestly, I was a bit worried that my hips would narrow down, but they haven't (I'd be okay if they did, but I must admit that wide hips on women are the one physical attribute that ALWAYS catches my eye and I like seeing hip-y-ness in the mirror). Oh, and my hips have always been C-shaped (one single curve from waist to leg) but they seem to be becoming more B-shaped (curves out from waist, in again at hipbone, and out before narrowing to leg) -- that is REALLY odd because I thought that that was something that didn't change in people! it's not very pronounced, so it may be a temporary thing, but still, cool. I envy that B-shaped-hipped people can wear hip chains (C-shaped-hipped people can wear waist chains but hip chains will just slip off) so if it DOES shift in a major way I'll likely make myself a ton of hip chains. And my calves are widening (wide calves are another thing that I find outrageously hot on either sex). And I think my breasts are slanting down more. For the sake of bra-shopping I really hope they're not changing size :-p Oh! and my breasts make diamond-shaped cleavage now! OMG, I love that. I've only seen it on one other person and I thought it was SO unique and amazing, and now mine do it :D :D :D I'll have to take a photo because it's really impossible to explain. Also my bum is rounder and more move-y, which means I tend to absent-mindedly smack it to feel it ripple. (Ash took this as an invitation to smack it zirself, Which It Was Not, and earned zir the threat promise of a frog in the arm if ze tries that shit again!)

Feeling the increase in energy and stamina as I've been more active has reminded me that I want to regain my strength. I want to get some weights and build up my arms and back enough to do handstands and cartwheels again (even if that means I'll have to get a mega-squish sports bra and pants). I want to regain my flexibility too, because it affects my movements so distinctly -- when flexible I play with movement a lot more.

Also Greta randomly told me I have pretty hands, which surprised me because my hands are the one thing that I don't at all find attractive about myself. I don't hate them anymore, but they're probably my least-favorite feature (though I think my fingernails are pretty). So that made me happy, and brought me a little closer to liking them. ;-)

Oh, and I don't know how true this is, but I remember hearing that your body uses fat cells to store stuff it's not sure how to process, including toxins -- so I think processing/burning old lipids might be part of the reason I got sick this week (sick enough to go to the doctor and get prescription medication, which I pretty much never do). I've been eating pretty healthily for about a year and a half now (and been vegetarian for the past 8 months, which I keep meaning to write about) but most of my fat is more than two years old (unless it gets recycled, I'm not quite sure how it works). Before June of 2008 when I read The Secret Life Of Plants, I ate mostly dead, chemical-filled food (fast, frozen, or highly-processed), so my fat probably has a lot of processed food ickiness in it. I'd rather not move to a smaller size but if that's what my body wants, safety pins will work ;-) For now things seem to be shifting shape but not size.

and I need a new curvygirl icon because this one is over a year old! who wants to take photos of me and let me direct? :D

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girlslovegirls7 ══╣╠══
i wana!!!!!
kiwi ══╣LOL╠══
Thanks to you, I feel a good deal better about myself - I have B-shaped hips and large calves (partially from marching band, partially from playing catcher on a softball team for a few years). In one post you made me feel a ton better about myself!
austentatious ══╣╠══
I sometimes don't have time/energy/the right frame of mind to do it every day, but I do spend time looking in the mirror and thinking to myself, "You are beautiful." :) I'm glad you do, too.
ukta ══╣╠══
You've always been beautiful to me, and I have a thing about hands. I don't know why, but they fascinate me. I look at them so much, it's weird. XD

I'm also so refreshed to see someone that can embrace their body the way you do. It's frakkin' awesome. :P
Yoga on Rocks
oceanid ══╣Yoga on Rocks╠══
Yay to being for flexible! It's something I want to work on more too, currently through Yoga and general stretching. I feel more expressive when my body can translate my thoughts for fluently, I feel less tense and my energy is more free flowing :)
darkpool ══╣╠══
Try getting pregnant and breastfeeding, you'll have a whole lot of shape change in a very short period of time. It's kind of a hard thing to adjust to. I was pretty happy with my bod before I got pregnant and now it's different... I'm getting used to it mostly, though it's frustrating sometimes when I have no clothes that fit right. Some people probably thing pregnancy just makes you bigger in the belly or belly and uniformly all over , but it really changes the ratio of everything, my hips are bigger, but now they're getting smaller again. Which is neither here nor there but then nothing fits right. For me the main thing right now it getting stronger, I'm much more out of shape after number two and I need my body to be strong to do all I have to do.
theindiequeen ══╣╠══
It's such an inspiration to see the way you love yourself and your body, and I like the way you described watching your body change as if watching an artist paint. That's a great way to look at it!

I'd take photos but there'd probably have to be a lot of direction. Haha. Like "Hey, Sara, don't put your finger in front of the lens...."
40ozslurpee ══╣╠══
I've been rambling about my body too. I don't know what it's doing or why but it's awesome! I am tan and tiny and tits. I should write a poem.
hands_cupped ══╣╠══
I like this post. I have similar reactions these days to when my body changes shape...

Though I'm a little sad about the hip thing. I have narrow hips and I really want wider hips. Which is kinda ironic, considering that I used to have an eating disorder and I NEVER thought I'd be saying that. Anyway, I guess I just have to accept that my hips won't ever be wide... but I keep trying to look up exercises that will make them look bigger lmao. Maybe not the healthiest mindset but I'm still intrigued that I actually want wider hips.

You are always beautiful and this post has helped me think about things. That it's okay to change shape. I've become more comfortable with my body when it shifts, slightly, but at the same time I stil haven't fully grasped the "concept" that bodies can change even in adult life... without feeling out of control as well.
greek -- aphrodite icon made by me
radiantbaby ══╣greek -- aphrodite icon made by me╠══
I'm always so envious about how much you love your body/yourself. I wish I had half the confidence you do. I sort of hate my body right now, sadly, which is probably part of the reason I feel so disconnected from it right now. Maybe being around you will help inspire me to think of myself better.
velvet goldmine
painted_dreams ══╣velvet goldmine╠══
I think it is incredible how the body can change without us even noticing it. When I look in the mirror now I smile when I look at my reflection. I like that my body and face has changed.

on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.