Belenen (belenen) wrote,
Belenen
belenen

hate letter to my ex



I have not hated anyone in four years, since I forgave the people who sexually abused me. I hate you more. At least I hadn't given to them for so many years before they betrayed my trust. I hate you because you blame me for my suffering and I can't be sure that it isn't my fault. I hate you for making me wonder if there is something just inherently unlovable about me. I hate you for making me suspect that everyone I love really doesn't care about me. I hate you for treating me like a parasite.

I hate you for not loving me. I HATE you. I hate you for inspiring hate in me. I hate you for first building my trust and then for betraying it so utterly. I hate you for lying to me -- telling me that you loved me, that you appreciated who I am and what I give, and then at the end telling me no, actually you don't like anything you know about me and you despise what I gave, speaking of it with disgust-near-loathing. I HATE you for accepting years of me trying and trying to please you, to make you happy, to make you feel loved, all the while telling me that you'd give back someday, you just didn't know how yet, and then never giving me so much as a smile for reward (and I hate myself for being stupid enough to trust your words when you didn't even smile at me -- people don't ignore the very existence of people they love!). I hate you for hurting me so passively that I had no way to defend myself. I hate you because you made all words of love meaningless to me. I hate you because you broke my trust in humanity. I hate you because I loved you and trusted you more than anyone else, so much more, and you betrayed me. I hate you because I keep having nightmares that I wake up crying from -- looking into your eyes desperately seeking some shred of care, some tiny proof that it wasn't ALL a lie, or standing in the apartment crying for hours hoping that you'd come in from the other room and show care, and knowing that you won't. I hate you because when I saw you again last week I could not make eye contact because I would have collapsed in tears. I hate you for breaking my heart. I hate you HATE YOU HATE YOU HATE YOU. I hate you for breaking every promise you ever made to me. I hate that I still want your love. I hate you for finding me unlovable. I hate you for throwing away my very best offerings.

And I hope you suffer. I would hope you'd die, but that wouldn't be fair to Maggie, who seems nice enough. Instead, I hope you give your very best to someone else and they make endless promises and pretty lies and then after years have gone by and you can't go on without them giving back, they tell you your gifts were worthless and they haven't even liked you for years, throw you out of their life with nothing, and start treating someone else with the kindness and affection you'd been dying for. Or something that causes a comparable amount of pain (I can't think of much).

By the way, you're beyond stupid for claiming that Maggie feels loved because you're providing financially for zir. Take away the loving talk and touch and going-out-of-your-way and smiles and sex and thoughtful gifts and appreciative thanks, and I SWEAR to you ze would not feel loved. If it weren't for how it'd wound Maggie, I'd hope that you'd do that again, so you could see it was not a failing in me but in YOU. Also it's pretty stupid of you to offer to support zir when 1) you can't afford it right now and 2) the main thing you went on and on about was how ze had ambition and worked two jobs/70 hours a week, so how long you're gonna 'love' zir when ze's living on your charity is anyone's guess. And it makes the 50,238,274th lie, because you swore that you would support me until the end of February and that Maggie was not going to make that more difficult/impossible.

And I hate you for telling me to depend on you financially and then not giving me a chance to make my own security before you snatched it away. I hate that I trusted that eventually we'd get around to fixing up my car (among so many things). I hate that I have to depend on you right now and you are SO untrustworthy and I cannot say anything to you because I fucking need the money. I hate that because of you I am so unsafe that I chose to deceive, chose not to tell you that I got a job (I don't get paid for another week so it's mostly irrelevant, but still). I've never EVER deceived you before and I cannot remember the last time I deliberately deceived anyone, and here I am lying by omission. I know it was my choice but I hate you for making that feel like the only choice.
Tags: anger, b - ex-partner, maggie, money, pain
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