Belenen (belenen) wrote,

my polyamory -- how I choose whom I have sex with and whom I have romantic/sexual relationships with

My feelings on sex and relationships have been changing a lot in the past 6 months or so, as I've been transitioning out of being partnered to my ex. I became sexually active and monogamously committed at the same time, and when I became polyamorous I practiced in a polyfidelitous way (consulting my partner before getting involved with anyone, and only having sex in the context of a committed relationship). So until recently I've never really experienced having the only voice in my own sexual choices, and my outlook on sex had always been connected to how it would affect my partner/lover(s). In some ways sex is still really new to me, and there are a lot of things I don't know about myself, sexually. I had always imagined that sex outside of the context of a relationship would be too emotionally risky for me, but I'm not sure that is true for me anymore. And I am sure that I want to explore the possibility that it might be a positive, growthful experience for me. So I've re-defined my sexual and relational boundaries.

For me to have sex with a person, I need:
love (on my part) and mutual respect
Love comes easily for me (loving a stranger does not take much effort), and I'd need to feel love to feel desire, but I don't need to feel loved. I do need to feel respected and to feel respect for someone in order to want to share myself with them sexually. But this is something I'd be willing to go with my emotions on -- if I felt mutual respect, I would not feel it necessary to learn how deep that respect went.
mutual desire
Obviously I'd need to desire them, but I would also need to feel that they desired ME (not just sex with whomever). And I need mutual desire in every encounter -- I would not have sex just because the other person wanted it, nor would I be okay with zir having sex with me just because I wanted it.
willingness to respect my boundaries in sex
Kinda obvious but none the less -- being willing to pay close attention to my yes/no and to avoid objectification, pain, humiliation, force, or any sort of commanding/coercive language.

For me to have a romantic/sexual relationship with a person, I also need for the person to:
be seeking to grow, learn, and create
look for opportunities to grow and mature, especially with regards to increasing compassion and unlearning prejudice. Actively create a more positive self and world, and be curious about everything (and people in particular). And be creative in some way or another (including work as an art form).
be equalist and respectful of all beings/things
be respectful of me, of zirself, and of all humankind (a person doesn't have to be perfectly equalist, but has to work on shunning/dismantling ranking systems like sexism, racism, heterosexism, lookism, elitism, etc.). Be respectful of all life and refrain from causing unnecessary destruction.
be open/honest/expressive
share zir thoughts/feelings/motives voluntarily and truthfully, with a goal of becoming ever more authentic and transparent. Desire to be known fully.
be loving, affectionate, interested in me, and able to give emotionally
be willing & able to put time & effort into the relationship: touching, listening, supporting, encouraging, asking questions. Desire to learn more about me.
feel and believe in mutual connection
have that sense that we are part of one another, bonded in some ethereal way.
have a similar view of sex
see sex as not only as a physical thing but also an instrument to increase growth and connection. See sex as a co-creating project where both parties give and receive, both are active. Consider penetration to be a possibility, not an integral part of sex. Be willing to put aside roles.
Tags: polyamory / relationship anarchy, relationships, sex, the essential belenen collection

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