May 2018
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my changing desires/priorities regarding sex and romantic relationships / how do you flirt?


It's really interesting to me how my desires and priorities have changed when it comes to relationships and sex -- in just the last few months. Before then I considered it extremely unlikely that I'd ever want to have sex with someone whom I wouldn't want to date. I was talking to Ash the other day and mentioned that there was someone whom I know I couldn't date but would love to be fuck-buddies with, and ze laughed in surprise and told me it's odd to hear me say that. Well, I change!

I think it's a shift brought on by experiencing so many very different connections with people this year. Less than a year ago, spending time with someone I didn't have a strong connection with would have been a massively stressful experience because I'd be trying to create intense connection in order to feel safe. Now I'm more able to feel safe/secure even in small, almost-insignificant connections, and I don't need to be understood in order to be willing to share part of myself. I used to want to give my fullest effort and whole self to every person I loved (and receive the same in return), but that has changed somehow -- I feel more able to share parts without sharing the whole. In a dating relationship I still need to be able to share my whole self and feel understood, but in a friendship or casual relationship I can give less and expect less. I think there is finally enough love and connection in my life that I don't feel a constant drive to turn up the intensity on every relationship. Plus I'm not spending tons of energy trying to create it where it will never be, so I don't need to have all my relationships be intensely nourishing to make up for that.

And I'm more willing to risk getting hurt. Being in a partnership was a huge motivation for me to avoid pain because if I hurt, I felt that I wouldn't be as good a partner. And I couldn't afford to get hurt because then I would find out if my partner would give to me emotionally when I needed it, and I was pretty sure that I wouldn't like what I found. Now I don't have to worry about learning that I'm not loved AND I have people whom I know I could turn to. Plus, I like how I handle pain; I think I'm pretty good at transmuting it into growth. And this past year pain and joy have been fucking wildly in my life and I didn't mind it. Let my joys be outlined with pain; it makes them stand out more.

I feel like sex is a way that people can connect even when they find non-physical intimacy to be too difficult and I want to connect more with everyone. Also I want to know if I can connect spiritually through my body with people whom I don't have spirit/soul/heart connections with. And I want to know more about how people express themselves sexually. And I just want to give and receive more pleasure. "I need more sex, okay? Before I die I wanna taste everyone in the world." Well maybe not everyone -- but everyone who wants me and is respectful and is available. Which, okay, isn't that many people right now but I hope to change that, heh.

On a vaguely-related topic, I REALLY don't get flirting with people one isn't interested in. If I flirt with someone, it doesn't necessarily mean I want to jump their bones but it means that I am experiencing at least a LITTLE sexual attraction! To me, flirting with someone I have utterly no interest in feels dishonest and therefore isn't any fun. I'd be upset if I found out that someone who flirted a lot with me had utterly NO interest in me, so I can't risk doing that to someone else. Of course, there are those who take a smile or simple friendliness as flirting, and I can't help those. But with obvious stuff like sexual innuendo that goes back and forth for a solid five minutes? I'd take that as an invitation (unless I was aware that the person was unavailable for whatever reason)! But then, I am remarkably uneducated about this sort of thing and I try to keep that in mind :-p How do you flirt?

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Comments
ghost-girl
frecklestars ══╣ghost-girl╠══
I find flirting confusing as a concept. I've been told that I'm a flirt, but I don't think of what I'm doing half the time as flirting; I just like getting close to people, cuddling, half smiling, etc. In any case, I agree with you, that it seems bizarre to flirt with someone you have no interest in.

Trying to put my finger on how I flirt...I smile. I laugh, a lot. I'm usually thinking about the person a fair amount, which is obviously not visible to others, but yeah. Hrm. This is something to think about, for sure.
girlslovegirls7 ══╣╠══
flirting
i love flirting. Its not just a sexual goal for me though. i like to complement people and bring them out of theyre box alittle because its always truely interesting who they are. sometimes people trust better once they think you are attracted to them. But i also like flirting because im attracted to people.
camilleyun ══╣╠══
I don't flirt.
I may say something that sounds flirty to someone I'm interested in over the phone but beyond that, I'm not a flirt.
I'm uncomfortable with heavy flirtation and much more comfortable with wit and sarcasm.
queerbychoice ══╣╠══
I think flirting implies some degree of attraction to someone, but I don't think any degree of attraction to someone implies that you'd ever consider having sex with that person. There are too many reasons why sex between two particular people might seem clearly not a good idea, regardless of attraction. People can have a whole lot of emotional and/or moral issues that would stop them from having sex, but that would not stop them from feeling attracted.
analytical
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
you just put your finger on something that was bugging me about how I phrased things. Experiencing sexual attraction is a much better way of putting it, I'm gonna edit now ;-)
musicandmisery ══╣╠══
Let my joys be outlined with pain; it makes them stand out more.

I agree with and live by this, too. Brilliant, Bel. ♥
deleon ══╣╠══
I flirt by trying excessively hard to make that person laugh. With antics, jokes, funny photos, anything...
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.