Belenen (belenen) wrote,

I want to be close friends with Maggie, dammit.

O dear. I like Maggie -- a lot :-? Ze took me to pick up my car at the last minute today, and ze GAVE ME A BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Not just anything either, a so-thoughtful present -- after ONE CONVERSATION. (the one I mentioned here) We'd talked briefly about makeup and I explained that my love for makeup came from my love for color and I liked BRIGHT vivid colors. So ze got me this eye stuff that you put on under shadow to make it brighter and more intense! And a deep shimmery purple shadow also. Presents that say "I listened and paid attention to even your casual mentions" are just... wow. Which reminds me, justben brought me pushpins the other day after I mentioned (in a long blathery post) that I had run out! I was just flabbergasted by how thoughtful that was! ♥ and oh-so-charmed :D

So, yeah, Maggie. I really want to be close friends with zir, argh, it's so frustrating! 'cause I don't think I can right now, because ze likes to talk about [ex] (as ze's kinda Maggie's whole life right now) and it is all I can do to keep my mouth shut NOW because of my OWN shit with [ex] and if we were friends I know I'd get SO ANGRY over how [ex] treats zir ('cause all the same problems are there). Usually I have no problem being like, "um, it sounds like your lover is an asshole, DUMP THE FUCKER" but that sounds different when the lover in question is my ex-partner of over 7 years.

But! I'm really kinda lonely, not in an all-consuming way but in a for-a-close-friend sort of way. I used to have nothing but super-close intense friendships and now all my friendships are kinda loose and casual. And that has its own benefit but I miss talking in person about just random STUFF with someone and feeling understood and comfortable being emotionally sloppy. (I can talk about everything¬hing with justben but ze doesn't have time or inclination to talk super-often and anyway I'm not comfortable having all my strongest desires met by the same person AND ze doesn't live close) And Maggie is just the sort of person I'd want that with -- ze's openminded and outspoken and quite open and honest. And lives close and is not busy! And shares so much of my taste in music ("Glass" by Bat For Lashes had the same effect on zir that it did on me). And we have such similar ways of communicating that I feel totally at ease with zir already. And I feel so much for zir, having been in the exact same place of having no one but [ex] around (who only ever wants to stay home or hang with zir family). For an extrovert (and Maggie is definitely more of an extrovert than I am) that feels like jail.

I want this divorce hurried up and over with, dammit. 'cause then I'm probably going to say fuck it and try building a friendship with Maggie. Even though Sharee Does Not Approve and it probably IS a dumb idea. It's my heart and I'll get it broken if I want. It's very resilient anyway.

And you know what? If I had been honest with myself and all of you about the utter lack of emotional nourishment in my relationship with [ex], I know some of you would have kicked my ass into a breakup sooner :-p I think this ended at the right time this time, but I still want to learn from this and remember not self-censor like that again. It took me reaching the very end to confess to myself that utter neglect IS a good reason to end things.
Tags: b - ex-partner, giving, hope, maggie

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