Belenen (belenen) wrote,

holding my tongue is suffocating me

I am so fucking unhappy right now. This massive knot of pain is fucking choking me and I can't do anything about it. I can't even begin to untangle it, because I'm still living it. Because I'm still stuck. Because I still don't have power over my own life. Because I still have to fear retaliation.

It makes it so much worse when I have to be in contact with the ex, even briefly, because ze likes to pretend that everything's fine and that ze's someone who cares about my life. You don't get to fucking screw me over -- DELIBERATELY -- and then be my friend. I think ze was counting on the fact that I forgive people and (always, so far) let people back into my life. So ze was like, well, ze'll get over it, and then I'll get to have my cake and eat it too. I don't think so, you manipulative piece of shit. You sold my friendship for what to you is luxury money, and for me is necessity. I'll find a way to work it out, of course, but that does not negate the fact that you cared more about money than about me, AND lied to me, AND deserted me in a time of great need. You really couldn't have hurt me more if you tried. If you had said, "No, I will not support you past December" I would have been upset but I wouldn't have been LIED to and I'd be over it by now.

IT'S KILLING ME NOT TO BE ABLE TO SAY THIS. If I could just say it to zir I could start moving on. Ze wouldn't even have to know I'd said it -- if I could just post it publicly without fear that would be enough. I feel like I am lying by not protesting when ze plays nice. I feel like I'm lying by not telling zir, "I don't intend to ever be your friend." I think ze's still deluded zirself into thinking that we'll be friends! REALLY?!?!? After THIS? but zir powers of self-deception are just... superhuman.
Tags: anger, b - ex-partner, pain

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