Belenen (belenen) wrote,

I'm in love with me / also in love w/ all people / reactions to my name at work / explaining my name

I honestly feel a little sad sometimes because I can't imagine anyone ever falling as in love with me as I am. I find myself so damn adorable. I'll start dancing in the silliest way or singing something completely ridiculous like "and now it's time for soup, oh nicey-nice soup, you're food to be eaten, it's good" (half stolen, if you recognize it you get 88 awesome points; I so relate to that character) and then hear myself and am totally charmed and giggle at myself for a full minute. And I re-read my own LJ and think it's the most beautiful thing ever (content and design), and look at photos I've taken and feel awe, and admire the way I find ingenious ways to make things more useful or more beautiful. And every time I see myself in the mirror I check myself out and smirk lustily and often exclaim "oh my God, I'm so fucking hot!" complete with running my hands over my outline. But then, I'm good at falling in love. It's my Talent :D I notice things that are unique about a person and am utterly charmed by them, especially the littlest things like the way a person pushes back zir hair or specific phrases ze likes to say or how ze behaves 'at rest' or the way ze moves zir mouth when ze talks. I do this with all people, including those I'm not even close to (it's just way amped up with those people because I watch them greedily, in recognition that every moment of their presence is an honor). I really and truly (Nea's phrase, hee) believe that everyone is incredible and if you can just see them fully, you can't help but be in love. I suppose it makes sense then that I am the one who loves me the most, because I know myself the most. ;-) Oh well, y'all can just love me second best *giggles* If I have one person to know/love me most, I think I want it to be the one I have to spend every moment with :D GOD I LOVE ME.

I really love people so much. It's odd to think about because I HATE social structure and am disgusted by most of the things the general population believes -- but as individuals I still love people. How I can manage to be so jaded and angry and yet hopeful and adoring at the same time is a little baffling to me. I get so angry about social things and yet people individually doing the same damn things makes me laugh and shake my head. I suppose on the individual level what stands out most to me is how trapped and confined people are (which inspires empathy), but when looking at society as a whole what stands out to me is how cruel and oppressive people are (which evokes anger).

I've had several very different reactions to my name since I started working -- all by males of the white-haired variety, interestingly enough. One person asked if it was my name, and when I said yes, told me that I should have a vowel on the end (in an angry tone, no less). I laughed out loud at the ASTOUNDING arrogance of this stranger and said with amusement, "I'm satisfied with it as it is." (ze seemed annoyed that I didn't consider zir command to be important, which just amused me more) Another person asked if it was my name or if someone was playing a prank (something to that effect) and I said that it was a self-chosen name (adding that my parents were not quite so creative). Ze laughed and said that ze knew many people who would choose their own name if they could, but that not many people are so brave. Ze was wearing a black pearl stud in zir left ear which I thought was a really fascinating way to self-decorate (I thought it was hematite and had to ask. I'm always drawn by simple gem cabochon earrings but it would bore me to actually wear them; I need more color and movement than that). There've been other people who just haven't known what to say when I said, "yes, it's a self-chosen name" and mumbled something about it being interesting or unique, hee.

I also managed to explain it accurately in a short number of words! A coworker asked why I go by James, and I said that I don't believe in gender, and since I tend to dress in a way people see as "feminine," wearing a "masculine" name is a clue that I don't follow all the gender norms. Ze asked what I mean by not believing in gender, and I said that I don't believe that men and women have [significantly] different brains, and that the stereotypes about the sexes harm people. I added that for instance, women aren't free to express strength and men aren't free to express sadness, so gender keeps people from being fully developed human beings. It was really a wonderful mini-conversation (lasting less than two minutes because we were on our way out the door for the night), because I could tell that the concept was rather new to zir but ze wasn't resistant to it. So lovely!
Tags: love, names, work

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