April 2018
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secondary LJ (belbabble) / bodylove & queerpride w strangers / experiencing healing through my hands


So I made a second journal -- belbabble -- mainly to house my tweets (under lj-cuts) because I've made some very interesting (to me) little snippets before and they're gone now so I wanna start saving them but I don't want them cluttering up my REAL journal. (feel free to add that LJ if you want, but I don't promise anything interesting) I might also use that LJ to post bits of conversation or links or thought-seeds which aren't developed enough for here. I'm not sure yet on that, but I have been SO blathery lately that it may actually happen. It's weird, I thought that being busier would lead to me not posting but it seems to have the opposite effect. I wish I was better at responding to comments though; I gotta figure out how to change that without sending myself into a spiral of guilty avoidance. I absolutely do read and value everything y'all say, and feel so honored to be able to read the amazing thoughts you share in your own journals.

I went to the hairdresser recently and when I took off my jacket, ze exclaimed, "You've lost weight!" I looked down at myself as if to see where it went and said, "oh, have I? hm. I have been more active lately." Ze kinda stuttered a little and said, "well, that's a good thing... right?" and I said, "oh yeah, it's a good thing, I'm definitely stronger and have more energy." Later I realized that ze was surprised by my initial response -- I think was expecting me to be happy and thank zir for the compliment, because if I'd been working to lose weight then it would have been an acknowledgment of my efforts, I suppose. I giggled when I thought back on my reaction because I'm so disconnected with the weightloss=good idea that it didn't even occur to me to be happy about it -- I reacted exactly as I would have if ze had commented on a sunburn ;-) I think that's kinda awesome as it seems to me to be the mark of full recovery from fat-hating! :D

The other day at work someone complimented my earrings and asked where I got them. I thanked zir and told zir I made them, adding that I sold them online and could give zir a link if ze wished. Ze expressed interest and then asked if they had any special meaning. I was wearing my rainbow earrings (which I have no photos of for some bizarre reason) and I told zir that I just love color, I'm addicted to it. Ze said ze couldn't tell for sure if there were all six colors but that when those colors are together they have a certain meaning. I giggled a little and said, "well, I am queer, but I also just love rainbows." Ze sorta ducked zir head and said that ze was queer too, and I said "oh" in a happy tone. Then there was a little awkward pause where we both sort of smiled, and ze asked for the web address to my etsy. I gave it to zir, wondering if I should have also put an email address or something on it because it seems like it's hard to find queer people up here, but not actually doing it because I dunno, I'm strange and have a hard time switching from professional to personal (which is why it took multiple questions for me to realize it was safe to declare myself queer). I was hoping ze would look me up and get in touch, but nothing yet. If ze comes in again while I'm working I'll be sure to at least offer to exchange contact info.

God/dess I love people! Being a barista at an independent coffeehouse (in a racially/culturally diverse area) really is my dream job, almost as much as counseling. Or maybe bartending, that would be freaking AWESOME. I want to talk to strangers all day long and bring them even just a little bit of joy or inspiration.

Ohh, and last week Sakka mentioned a story of healing and it reminded me of an experience I had at age 13. I went over to a couple's house to do some sort of cleaning/organizing work but just a little bit after I arrived the woman (who was pregnant) started experiencing a lot of pain, and got very worried. I asked if it would be okay if I laid hands on zir belly and prayed for zir, and ze said yes. When I did, the pain subsided. They still called my parents to get me and went to the hospital to get checked out, but they credited my prayers with healing power (I forget what ended up being the problem) and I remember that was such an intense experience for me. I was so calm and full of faith -- I had NO DOUBT. I don't know if my prayers actually changed something physical or if the panic was causing the pain and my prayers gave zir enough faith to be calm, but whichever, I do consider it a miracle. I miss being that sure that I could call on Deity and always get instant help. I've been rebuilding my faith for a long time now but it's not yet as strong as it was when I was a child.

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Comments
oceanid ══╣╠══
I love your reaction at the hairdressers, I look forward to slowly adopting the same healthy attitude towards myself :)
tangledaxon ══╣╠══
To me, your reaction to the weight loss remark is the kind of reaction I like to see, because you're not placing a higher value on "smaller".

I can so see you as a barista in a culturally diverse area. I admire your outgoing nature, too. While I love people and thrive on positive connections, I'm very introverted and end up exhausted (physically, emotionally, energetically) if I'm around too many people for too long. It also depends on the way the people are behaving, of course. Anyway-- I just admire that about you!
lorelei_sakti ══╣╠══
"I miss being that sure that I could call on Deity and always get instant help."

I'm having that problem too. :( I don't know if it's lack of faith in myself or lack of faith in Deity, or maybe both. I'm trying to build up my faith, but it's hard lately.
blimeyzawn1 ══╣╠══
Such a cool story! I often miss the days when I was so faithful I had no doubt that my prayers would work. And I think that seeing someone so calm, so sure of themselves, can have an amazingly calming effect on people, so whether it worked because your prayers were answered or worked because of your comforting presence--either way, it's amazing.
camilleyun ══╣╠══
very cool anecdotes

I am here but not really here if that makes sense

I am in and out

sorry I will miss your birthday
blimeyzawn1 ══╣╠══
Where are you working? I want to come visit you!!!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.