Also the fact that nearly everyone we invited to the flatwarming came but now people aren't coming makes me wonder if people aren't coming because what I want to do sounds boring and my company won't make up for that. Which, considering that people have good reasons for not coming, is irrational. But nothing about how I feel right now is rational.
Agh, I am really torn. Part of me wants to cancel because it's not going to be what I wanted and because I'm feeling really strongly that this is only important to me and I want to spend my birthday feeling like it's important so I kinda want to spend it alone doing something that I know will feel special, like going to see the Weeping Blue Atlas Cedar at the Botanical Gardens. (so what run-on fuckit) But it's cold so I don't fancy driving around in my heatless car and I'm already lonely and the people who ARE coming are really sweet and if they're actually looking forward to it I don't want to disappoint them (though there's a voice in my head saying that they're just coming to be nice and wouldn't care at all if it didn't happen).
I have really got to STOP building up my birthday in my head because it's never what I hope for. I've been crying (not just silent tears but actual sobbing) for OVER AN HOUR AND A HALF for fuck's sake. I was so excited earlier this week :-( Now I just want to shut everyone out with a slam and hibernate and maybe never talk to anybody ever again. And wallow, YES, FUCKING WALLOW OKAY. If I can't have a birthday party then I'll have a fucking pity party and you're not invited.
ETA: Just to be clear, I'm not angry or upset with anyone individually for not coming, I'm just upset at the overall effect.