On the 18th I woke up dizzy and fevered and weak and ended up calling in sick and sleeping for 60+ hours straight (with very short breaks for eating and excreting) and have been sloooooowly recovering since then. My physical energy has mostly returned now (though I still have a pretty gross cough), but stresses over work and money have been sapping all my creative energy. I've been needing ridiculous amounts of 'down time' to cope with it and have been kinda hiding out really. Which is somewhat counterproductive as time with lovely people recharges me, but right now the amount of effort it would take would balance it to a very slight increase and I can't muster the motivation for so little reward. UGH. but...
On a much happier note, the past two days have been HEAVENLY WARM and today driving home from work I looked at the spring green in the trees and actually started crying with joy (and am tearing up now thinking on it). Oh God/dess, the sun is back, my lover has not deserted me forever. I cannot express the intensity of my relief at feeling spring finally open up for me. Spring and summer is such magic for me... every year I get to the end of winter and wonder how I survived for months without green I can taste and heat that fills my bones and sunlight that actually touches me and breezes that sneak under the heat to lick my skin. OH GOD/DESS SUMMER IS COMING I can live again. I want to bury my fingers in warm soil and burn myself with sun-kisses and stream with heat-lust and breathe in the sex of trees. Oh my God. I love Georgian summers maybe more than I've ever loved a person. I can live without an individual person but I really think I would wither and die without these summers.
Ash is deliriously happy in a new relationship and OMFG RADIATING sexual/romantic energy which is affecting me like WHOA. Pretty much everyone I saw today I was lusty-eyed over, to the point where I was like "argh! objectification no! *distracts self*" I mean, I'm always appreciating people aesthetically but there's a difference between thinking "ooh, lovely" and imagining what someone would look like naked. Which I didn't actually do but was tempted. Whaaaaaat? This is the second time this has happened and I find it a little baffling.
And I buzzed my hair (still no good daylight photos because sickness and low energy means no self-portraits) which has had a strange affect on my self-image. I had a dream about being all stressed out and confused about why -- and then realized that I felt 'ugly' (which, as you all know, is not a concept I even believe in). I woke up pretty shocked and started reflecting on how this has affected me. I think that there's quite a few bits that add up. For one thing, the cut I'd had was absolutely the perfect cut for me and now I have to wait two years for my hair to grow back into it; I feel less 'me' since this cut isn't as expressive. And even though I find myself equally attractive with it this way, I feel pretty strongly that others see me as less attractive and it feels like a sharp change. I guess I expected for people to be like, "oh, that's weird" but not to become less visible. Of course, that could just be that I got used to people noticing the color and now it's not there to catch people's attention. Also, violet in my hair was an effortless way of expressing myself and now I feel a loss of self-expression and am not sure how to make up the difference. Makeup is a fun way to self-decorate but it takes at least 15 minutes and before work (which is where I interact the most with people) I'd rather have an extra 15 minutes of sleep.
And my self-esteem took a pretty serious blow on my birthday when so few people even bothered to let me know if they were coming to my little gathering. I think since then I've been feeling like a bore. I mean, I know it's probably irrational but my birthdays are just such a Big Fucking Deal to me. And it also made me realize that while the people I've met over the past year are rather astonishingly interesting to me because I've never had local friends that I could connect with in a view-of-the-world way, for them meeting ME wasn't all that incredible because they already had plenty of open-minded queer pagan poly people in their lives. So I overestimated the connection, I suppose, and it was disappointing to realize that. Also I really wish I'd realized who wasn't going to come so I could have invited others whom I know less but like just as much :-p Argh. It's not that I think on it a lot, but whenever I start feeling like a boring person I ask myself where it's coming from and a good bit of it comes from that. Which is a little ridiculous but apparently I've yet to figure out how to let it go. Feeling unimportant to people who are important to me seems to make me relapse into the "nobody likes me because I don't party right" feeling from ten years ago. (fuck!)
Though! S and Ash got me my very first birthday balloons EVER and they were star shaped and the green one is STILL FLOATING, two months later. And Anita gave me a magnetic hematite wrap bracelet with a leaf at the end ♥ ♥ ♥ I'm really not a bracelet person -- the only bracelets I've ever really liked is this one from Anita and the one Jenny sent me for my birthday last year ♥ I felt really touched that Anita gave me a gift, as we haven't really spent much time together. Oh, also! Sara made me a mix CD which I loved! There were one or two songs I didn't fancy but most of them I liked or loved -- which is rare and AWESOME. I totally have it as a playlist now :D
Seriously Kate, you're just beyond amazing. "Words and Women" -- could there BE a more 'me' book? Am so excited about reading it! and I love the green stone ring (jade?) -- especially since it actually fits (on my pinky, hee) and the crazy goddess-y bindi and the journal and the card with the beauuuuuuuuutiful trees on it and STAR CONFETTI and the gorgeous glass earrings (a bit cheeky, omg I loved your explanation *snickerfit*)! and the RAINBOW CHAIN which is going to make me some unbelievably fantastic earrings :D :D :D You spoil me so much, you glorious person ;-) and it was SO MAGICAL that it actually arrived ON my birthday! Also 'Nika likes your voice -- I listened to your explanation of the gifts and 'Nika meowed (!! very rare!) and came over. also, eeeee! at reusing tissue paper to wrap things ♥ *kisses!*
And then Kay! You weren't kidding that it was a 'care package' omfg I was OVERWHELMED with the amount of beauty in that package. You can ask Ash -- I kept unwrapping things in my bedroom and then shrieking and running into Ash's room to show it off! All of it so oh-my-God/dess thoughtful! the first thing that LEAPT out at me was the green glass vial, oh my God/dess, I love those so so so so very much and yours had such incredible colors in it! When I opened that one and ran to show it to Ash, I handed it to zir and then held on to my boobs and jumped in circles, haha! (the holding-my-boobs is just to keep them from bouncing joltingly, it's not part of the excitement *giggles*) Now I have four :D two from me, one from Hannah, and one from you! and then the teeeeeeeny pale-purple pot! did you have Nuit in mind or was it just a random thing? because it went on my altar for Nuit immediately. and OMG THE DICHROIC GLASS YOU SPOILER OF BELS. I'm so not a simple-earrings person but I am totally in love with those dichroic glass ones 'cause they're like miniature paintings and I am SO going to wear them :D AND THEN. A silver tree pendant! I've been wanting one, how did you know? And the necklace with the massive green shell, oh, I love the proportions of it (and it feels really protective laying over my heart)! And the violet shell coins! and the little bits and pieces for me to play with creating things, eeee! And the violet silk scarf!!! Good GRIEF! Here I thought only Hannah and Kate could spoil me so perfectly! hee :D And the cobalt shell coin and hollow teardrop earrings I had to give to Ash because they called out zir name as surely as all the other things called mine, hee :D Do you know how amazing you are??? wow. ♥ lovelovelove!!!
I am sheerly spoilt with amazing friends! I loooove you!