July 2018
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been sick / YAY WARMTH / Ash is happy / buzzed hair reaction / feel boring / amazing birthday gifts!


FINALLY I FEEL LIKE WRITING. Oh this will be quite the looooong rambly entry. I'll put it (mostly) in a lj-cut list!

On the 18th I woke up dizzy and fevered and weak and ended up calling in sick and sleeping for 60+ hours straight (with very short breaks for eating and excreting) and have been sloooooowly recovering since then. My physical energy has mostly returned now (though I still have a pretty gross cough), but stresses over work and money have been sapping all my creative energy. I've been needing ridiculous amounts of 'down time' to cope with it and have been kinda hiding out really. Which is somewhat counterproductive as time with lovely people recharges me, but right now the amount of effort it would take would balance it to a very slight increase and I can't muster the motivation for so little reward. UGH. but...

On a much happier note, the past two days have been HEAVENLY WARM and today driving home from work I looked at the spring green in the trees and actually started crying with joy (and am tearing up now thinking on it). Oh God/dess, the sun is back, my lover has not deserted me forever. I cannot express the intensity of my relief at feeling spring finally open up for me. Spring and summer is such magic for me... every year I get to the end of winter and wonder how I survived for months without green I can taste and heat that fills my bones and sunlight that actually touches me and breezes that sneak under the heat to lick my skin. OH GOD/DESS SUMMER IS COMING I can live again. I want to bury my fingers in warm soil and burn myself with sun-kisses and stream with heat-lust and breathe in the sex of trees. Oh my God. I love Georgian summers maybe more than I've ever loved a person. I can live without an individual person but I really think I would wither and die without these summers.

Ash is deliriously happy in a new relationship and OMFG RADIATING sexual/romantic energy which is affecting me like WHOA. Pretty much everyone I saw today I was lusty-eyed over, to the point where I was like "argh! objectification no! *distracts self*" I mean, I'm always appreciating people aesthetically but there's a difference between thinking "ooh, lovely" and imagining what someone would look like naked. Which I didn't actually do but was tempted. Whaaaaaat? This is the second time this has happened and I find it a little baffling.

And I buzzed my hair (still no good daylight photos because sickness and low energy means no self-portraits) which has had a strange affect on my self-image. I had a dream about being all stressed out and confused about why -- and then realized that I felt 'ugly' (which, as you all know, is not a concept I even believe in). I woke up pretty shocked and started reflecting on how this has affected me. I think that there's quite a few bits that add up. For one thing, the cut I'd had was absolutely the perfect cut for me and now I have to wait two years for my hair to grow back into it; I feel less 'me' since this cut isn't as expressive. And even though I find myself equally attractive with it this way, I feel pretty strongly that others see me as less attractive and it feels like a sharp change. I guess I expected for people to be like, "oh, that's weird" but not to become less visible. Of course, that could just be that I got used to people noticing the color and now it's not there to catch people's attention. Also, violet in my hair was an effortless way of expressing myself and now I feel a loss of self-expression and am not sure how to make up the difference. Makeup is a fun way to self-decorate but it takes at least 15 minutes and before work (which is where I interact the most with people) I'd rather have an extra 15 minutes of sleep.

And my self-esteem took a pretty serious blow on my birthday when so few people even bothered to let me know if they were coming to my little gathering. I think since then I've been feeling like a bore. I mean, I know it's probably irrational but my birthdays are just such a Big Fucking Deal to me. And it also made me realize that while the people I've met over the past year are rather astonishingly interesting to me because I've never had local friends that I could connect with in a view-of-the-world way, for them meeting ME wasn't all that incredible because they already had plenty of open-minded queer pagan poly people in their lives. So I overestimated the connection, I suppose, and it was disappointing to realize that. Also I really wish I'd realized who wasn't going to come so I could have invited others whom I know less but like just as much :-p Argh. It's not that I think on it a lot, but whenever I start feeling like a boring person I ask myself where it's coming from and a good bit of it comes from that. Which is a little ridiculous but apparently I've yet to figure out how to let it go. Feeling unimportant to people who are important to me seems to make me relapse into the "nobody likes me because I don't party right" feeling from ten years ago. (fuck!)

Though! S and Ash got me my very first birthday balloons EVER and they were star shaped and the green one is STILL FLOATING, two months later. And Anita gave me a magnetic hematite wrap bracelet with a leaf at the end ♥ ♥ ♥ I'm really not a bracelet person -- the only bracelets I've ever really liked is this one from Anita and the one Jenny sent me for my birthday last year ♥ I felt really touched that Anita gave me a gift, as we haven't really spent much time together. Oh, also! Sara made me a mix CD which I loved! There were one or two songs I didn't fancy but most of them I liked or loved -- which is rare and AWESOME. I totally have it as a playlist now :D

Seriously Kate, you're just beyond amazing. "Words and Women" -- could there BE a more 'me' book? Am so excited about reading it! and I love the green stone ring (jade?) -- especially since it actually fits (on my pinky, hee) and the crazy goddess-y bindi and the journal and the card with the beauuuuuuuuutiful trees on it and STAR CONFETTI and the gorgeous glass earrings (a bit cheeky, omg I loved your explanation *snickerfit*)! and the RAINBOW CHAIN which is going to make me some unbelievably fantastic earrings :D :D :D You spoil me so much, you glorious person ;-) and it was SO MAGICAL that it actually arrived ON my birthday! Also 'Nika likes your voice -- I listened to your explanation of the gifts and 'Nika meowed (!! very rare!) and came over. also, eeeee! at reusing tissue paper to wrap things ♥ *kisses!*

And then Kay! You weren't kidding that it was a 'care package' omfg I was OVERWHELMED with the amount of beauty in that package. You can ask Ash -- I kept unwrapping things in my bedroom and then shrieking and running into Ash's room to show it off! All of it so oh-my-God/dess thoughtful! the first thing that LEAPT out at me was the green glass vial, oh my God/dess, I love those so so so so very much and yours had such incredible colors in it! When I opened that one and ran to show it to Ash, I handed it to zir and then held on to my boobs and jumped in circles, haha! (the holding-my-boobs is just to keep them from bouncing joltingly, it's not part of the excitement *giggles*) Now I have four :D two from me, one from Hannah, and one from you! and then the teeeeeeeny pale-purple pot! did you have Nuit in mind or was it just a random thing? because it went on my altar for Nuit immediately. and OMG THE DICHROIC GLASS YOU SPOILER OF BELS. I'm so not a simple-earrings person but I am totally in love with those dichroic glass ones 'cause they're like miniature paintings and I am SO going to wear them :D AND THEN. A silver tree pendant! I've been wanting one, how did you know? And the necklace with the massive green shell, oh, I love the proportions of it (and it feels really protective laying over my heart)! And the violet shell coins! and the little bits and pieces for me to play with creating things, eeee! And the violet silk scarf!!! Good GRIEF! Here I thought only Hannah and Kate could spoil me so perfectly! hee :D And the cobalt shell coin and hollow teardrop earrings I had to give to Ash because they called out zir name as surely as all the other things called mine, hee :D Do you know how amazing you are??? wow. ♥ lovelovelove!!!

I am sheerly spoilt with amazing friends! I loooove you!

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Comments
la_pretresse ══╣╠══
Have you considered dying your stubble once some grows in? I think you would look really awesome with like a violet or blue spikey thing going on :) Also, I COMPLETELY understand how you feel about a lack of self-expression. I had my hair nuclear red for a while and I absolutely loved it. Got tons of compliments and wierd looks, but I felt so...me, you know? Now I've got this like strawberry-blond-normalness thing and it's...boring, and less 'me'. Anyway, I think you should just go crazy and dye your scalp if you want to :D Or you could have someone do henna patterns on your scalp. Just go with it. Don't be down about it, just roll with the new look and find a new way to express yourself. I'll be re-dying soon enough ;D
girl love warrior
frecklestars ══╣girl love warrior╠══
Yay for Ash! (Spring seems like the time for celebrating other peoples' happiness. Love it.) Spring has hit here as well, so everything is slowly starting to turn green and I haven't had to take a coat anywhere for the last couple of days, which is always such a revelation to me. In California, you have to take a coat with you no matter how hot it is in the day because it cools off so quickly at night. But here in Massachusetts, when it's warm during the day, it's usually still pretty warm during the night. I always find it such a treat, because it's so unexpected to my California blood.

Re: the buzzed hair reaction. I was the complete and utter opposite when I buzzed my head, which I find kind of amusing. When I buzzed mine, I felt I had become more myself and that this was what I'd been waiting for, after a lifetime of experimenting with various lengths and styles and colors. And yeah, I sometimes miss my dark purple hair, but I don't ever see myself growing my hair again because I feel like the buzz has repaired a lot of self-esteem and makes me walk more confidently etc. It's so funny how we had such different reactions. I'll send you hair-growth vibes! :P

You talk about feeling like a boring person, but I'm not sure you could be boring even if you wanted to. *hug*

The tiny purple pot was something that I bought when I worked at the bead store in Santa Cruz. I wasn't particularly sure what I wanted to do with it at the time, I just knew I ought to have it and the use would become clear later. I'd been holding onto it for a couple of years now and when I was packaging your stuff, it sort of jumped out at me so I put it in. Guess I know who I'd been holding it for now huh? :P

I figured if any of the jewelry didn't quite suit you, you could always add it to another piece of yours. But I'm so pleased to hear everything seems to have found a purpose. Much ♥ to you. You absolutely deserve it.
happy.
delicatexflower ══╣happy. "the earth laughs in flowers"╠══

ooh i'm so glad you called in sick! you needed it, it sounds like! i empathize a lot given your situation. whenever i spend my time with people, as much as i love the conversations and all, i get drained because i feel things so deep the whole time. energy levels can be so high, sometimes.

it's important you take time to recover and get your spark back ;)

oh! spring does the same for me, too. winter always makes me feel sad and achy, it's as if i feel earth's hurt & pain during it's time when it is dying ..

mmm. you got some amazing friends in your life! don't let go of them :) you are an incredible person.
clown_frog ══╣╠══
Boo for being ill AGAIN! Poor you… you have been suffering this past… 6 months? Or so? Seems like you’ve had horrible bouts of illness for a while 

Hopefully the Spring and the Summer will be healthier for you!!

I am MASSIVELY jealous of you having warmth… we’ve had some, but last Wednesday there was a massive snow-storm and we got snowed in again (good for missing work), with no electricity for 12 hours (FREEZING cold) (Though kinda exciting despite it… sshh, don’t tell). I want warmth… Friday was warm, actually, I was sitting in the sun on Friday without needing a coat.

Anyway. I’m writing comment in Word cos my laptop is a trial when it comes to shunting me back pages and losing all my words. Which means I have blank page and I ramble… will try not to.

You describe the summer feeling so well, that’s exactly it. I love it. I completely relate to thinking you’d wither and die without summers… I feel the same, though the Scottish summer is probably a paltry thing in comparison to Georgia!

Incidentally, I love picturing people naked. Not for sexual reasons, but because it makes them seem easier to relate to. To imagine knowing as a person and not as a boss / colleague / random person. It’s complicated to explain, actually.

That’s sad, to feel less you… but I guess it is an interesting experience, and it will grow back! Although frustrating if you’re impatient. I’d love to try having long hair but I never have patience enough to let it grow. You look beautiful with your shaved head, in the pictures I have seen, but I would miss the bright colourfulness… and it would make you stand out more, colour as opposed to shaven, so people will go “oh!” and see the beautiful you. I don’t know if shaven head makes people see you as less approachable… I can imagine that effect, but I don’t know… but yes, no colour to catch the eye, you’re right. But you’ll be able to dye it again before too long, or is your work set against any colour dye? (which makes me mad, by the way, its stupid). I suppose you already wear expressive clothes? Hmm… must be a way. I shall ponder it.

Oh I recognise that feeling of being boring… you know you aren’t, right? I’d assume you know you are not actually boring, I hope you do. I don’t think I am intrinsically boring, but I certainly feel that way fairly often. I’m sorry that you feel that way, and that your birthday had that disappointment. I understand what you mean about your friends already knowing people of similar beliefs, and so while to you it was kind of like a revelation finding friends like that, to them it wasn’t quite the same (though, I am sure, still wonderful because it is YOU and you are a wonderful individual).

I’m happy you liked the gifts! Hope you enjoy Words & Women: it isn’t a life-changing book, but it is pretty good! I’m afraid I can’t remember what stone the ring was, though I don’t think it was jade – I liked the colour and the smoothness. Glad the chain is useful, I wasn’t sure if it was suitable for earring making but thought you’d maybe find some other use for it, it was purty. *laughs* at cat-charming voice… though maybe just has that effect on Kanika. I say hello to cats on the street but they don’t often respond. Oh, and WOW that it arrived on your birthday! I didn’t know that, I thought it got there late and was disappointed, so that is very cool to hear… I feel unjustifiably smug now.

Happy about all the other lovely gifts you got – I love the picture of you all excited and running it to show things to Ash! They all sound so beautiful – I want pictures!

I *demand* pictures.
me singing
theindiequeen ══╣me singing╠══
You're listening to Metric! Woooh!

I know EXACTLY how you feel about summer. I pretty much could have written that paragraph.

So glad you liked my mixy!!! I put mostly songs that I thought you would like on there, but then I also threw in a few of my absolute favorite songs because I sort of felt like it. :) Which ones are your favorites? (I like to get feedback on my mixy making so the next time I make someone a mixy, it will be all songs they like. And then I will conquer the world with music! *mwa-ha-ha*)

And it also made me realize that while the people I've met over the past year are rather astonishingly interesting to me because I've never had local friends that I could connect with in a view-of-the-world way, for them meeting ME wasn't all that incredible because they already had plenty of open-minded queer pagan poly people in their lives.

I'm not always the best at expressing these sorts of things, but for me, meeting you was incredible! And not because you're open-minded or queer or poly or any of that. (I mean, all of that is cool, but that's not the reason.) You're just such an inspiration to me! I love reading your livejournal entries, reading how you see life, how you describe moments and everything. And you're just so confident! Even when you talk about being insecure or having doubts, you're so honest about it that it's almost as if there's still so much self-love and confidence underneath any of that, and it still shines through.

What I'm trying to say is I think you're an incredibly beautiful person, and I'm glad that I met you!
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
I know what you mean about overestimating a connection. I did that last year and realising it really hurts. *hugs*

I'm sorry people don't make a Big Deal of your birthday. But I am glad you got awesome gifts!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.