May 2018
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friendship / rebecca / changes in me

I'm really really tempted to lock this, but that would defeat my purpose to this journal. If I want to be totally open and honest, I need to stop holding back when I post. I feel a bit hypocritical. Anyway.

From age 15 to age 18 I had an incredibly deep friendship with Rebecca. We were both very mature for our age and very honest, and so our friendship had the depth of a marriage. We promised each other that if she hurt me, I would tell her (and vice versa) so the problem would get worked out and not fester, causing division. We had all the late night talks and giggle marathons you could want. But eventually we realized that the truly open one was me, and she wore a mask -- even with me. This devestated me, because even though she hadn't held back intentionally, I felt betrayed. But she promised that she would seek to open her heart, get to know herself, and let me get to know the real her. So I was comforted.

But then only a few months later, I moved to PA. At first we spent a fortune on phone cards -- but I was the one who called, at least 80% of the time. And I wrote her many letters...... but she never wrote back so I eventually stopped. Our contact got sporadic and then pretty much ceased. I had become lifemates with Ben, and he was fulfilling my need to love and be loved, so I stopped reaching to Rebecca, and she continued not reaching to me.

January of last year I moved back into the area, and occasionally we've talked since then. But we are so different now.
We used to love the same music -- now our tastes are totally different.
I've become open to new ideas -- she hasn't, as far as I can see.
I've become malleable -- she hasn't.
I want newness -- she wants sameness.
I've grown far from the high school culture -- she has become acclimatized to it.
I've become more open -- she has retreated more into her shell.
(that last probably bothers me the most, because she never followed through on her promise. I know it's hard to do in high school, but it is possible)

And I feel like she wants me to fit back into that person she's comfortable with -- the 'old Kristen' who is guarded, argues with everything (whether worth it or not), doesn't believe in herself, discounts people with different views, doesn't require her friends to be deep and open, yeilds to more stubborn people, doesn't pry her christian friends about their walk with God, tries to foist her opinions on others, doesn't truly forgive, rejects correction, thinks of herself as worthless and ugly, doesn't like change, doesn't actively seek to grow -- and loves Rebecca more than anything else, including Ben.

I can't fit back into that person, and I'd rather die or be physically tortured than try. I cherish the changes God has made in me.

The old friendship has died and there is no resurrecting it. I'd be willing to try at a new friendship if she was willing to shoulder half of it, to try new things, to grow, to change, to be open and deep -- but those are HUGE obstacles for any human, and she should overcome them for herself and God, not me. (I don't know if she has already overcome them)

The thing is, the old friendship is the only thing we still have in common! We don't have any common interests, really. I like the Benjamin Gate and other 'odd' bands, beading, web-building, modeling, painting, inventing new humanoid races, a wide variety of literature, studying human behavior... she doesn't like any of those things (that I know of) Unless we got deep really fast and could talk about soul and spirit, what would we talk about?

feelings: contemplative
connecting: ,

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karmia ══╣╠══
That's a tough situation. Honestly, I've had friendships like that work out, and I've had ones that don't. One in particular sort of did-- we don't have things in common, don't talk much, but she's still there for me and there are times when we're talking, catching up on each other's lives, that I realize why we were such good friends back in the day. There are things from back when we were kids that no new friend, no matter how close, will ever understand. Personally, I'm a firm believer that a distancing isn't the end of the world. God gives us certain friends at certain times, to get us through those parts of our lives. In my particularly anal retentive and not-so-fun-loving youth, I had a great friend who was the exact opposite, and got me to open up and have fun. Now, I have Allison, which was perfect for my last years of high school and now that I'm off at college, since she's one of the first people I've ever been able to depend on 100% and that's really what I needed to keep myself grounded through all the change. I guess what I'm saying is some friendships last a lifetime, some don't, but the memories and how they affected you as a person are what matter in the end, not how long it lasted or how it ended. It might just be a sign that you just need to continue moving on in life.
scourge ══╣stiletto╠══
Its sad, but some people are very paralyzed by the idea of change. Change is scary, specially when you are not making the change yourself,.....being in positive control, and by force of will alone, MAKING youself be different.

Its hard enough then, but when your effort isn't genuine, and only because of someone else's nudging and desire are you even trying it, it becomes that much harder.

Not to say that your desire was wrong. It sounded very positive to me. I just find it sad that she couldn't see the beauty in the things you offered her. Maybe someday she'll realize how rare and pure of a gift that was / could have been.

I have a very tight circle of friends, and from time to time, 'less than genuine' people have worked their way in....but they never last. We're all very giving, and we've been burned for it. Its much harder to get close to all of us now....and when a group member has apprehension about someone new, its usually well founded. All of these friends have been friends since highschool (and thankfully moved on from that mentality). Its odd, because i don't know anyone really that even knows too many people from highschool....much less still has many of them as friends. It seems weird to a lot of people, but then , they seem weird to us for not having that long standing friendship.

Most sadly of all, the scene in Atlanta seems to be eaten alive with the highschool mentality. I've never found it worth my time to go out of my way to belittle other people publicly (or privately for that matter). If someone annoys me, i just ignore them. Going out of my way to 'try to get back at them' or damage their rep is giving them WAY too much of my time.

Its like someone trying to hand you a lump of horse don't have to take it. Just leave them there holding it.

K, so i strayed off topic....and lost the plot, but that is usual for me. I'm very sorry to hear about a frienship lost.....i know what my friends mean to me, and it sounds like this could have been the same, if only she could have recognized it for what its potential was.
belenen ══╣strong╠══
well, it's not so much that she didn't realize its value -- she did and still does -- it's just that I've changed. I have gotten to the point where I am so focused on growing that I don't want to spend time with anyone who is not focused on developing as a person. I don't want to live shallow for even a minute. I want friendships where I am challenged and free to challenge.
I'd like to develop a friendship with her again, and I think she wants that too, but I require my friends to focus on growing, so she'd have to change -- and I don't want her to change for my sake. So the only solution I see is to be strangers for a while, and hope that she develops on her own....... It's a paradox.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.