I'm a little baffled at what my mind returns to lately. I'd have expected to pine and mourn and suffer over the Ash & Rob thing but I haven't been. Parts of it just sort of evaporated (can't really explain that because it's not only my story and it's too near) and the bits that are still painful I'm just avoiding the fuck out of. So instead what fills my mind is other doomed attractions, haha. One who lives far away and will be even further when I move, and another who is just plain unavailable... and then the one I've tried not to think about for a long time but now keep on thinking about because if I move out of state it's more unreachable. The one who touches like tender fire that I can almost see and the one who awakens my cobra self in the most sensual way and the one whom I'm a little in love with. The one who notices my shifts and the one who feels like home and freedom all at once and the one who enchants me. (and my heart hurts missing you, I want your claws in my heart and your body under mine and your teeth on my neck, oh God I want you) Maybe it does make a little sense that I'm reflecting so much on these, all these stillborn passions. I'm tired of bad timing, oh-so-fucking tired of it. What is it I need before I can actually start finding people who are available and connect with me and want me? Can't I just fall for someone who isn't a later or a sometimes or a fantasy?
Also if I have to move out of state that means that Ben and I will be on hiatus because ze doesn't do long distance. So that's a little depressing. It already sucks that living this far means I only get time alone with zir once a week. I mean, I'm grateful for that, but I need more intimate-connection-time than that. Not necessarily with the same person, not even necessarily romantic, just more. I need mindful cuddles everyday. I need naked, open conversation at least every other day. And you know? now that I'm thinking on it, if I were to move with the biofamily, I would get cuddles and naked-open-conversation all the time from my lil sis. And right this minute I want that more than anything else. :-(
But but! if I can stay here I can be with Ben and mayyyyyyyybe one of those who have laid claim to my mindspace and who knows what other possibilities? I do have a few leads on jobs (nothing definite yet) and I feel pretty sure I can find a decent place to live if I can find work that would actually pay my bills. And I could go back to school for free. I want that so much. I want THIS. I want here, this is my home.
And the idea of not being in Georgia in summer makes me ache and weep. I love Georgia in summer more than I've ever loved a person and I think more than I ever will love any single person. It's the most unbearable beauty and it breathes and embraces me, I need it. NEED. Please God/dess, please don't make me leave before I've had at least a little of it. I beg you, All-That-Has-Compassion, let me taste true summer.