Belenen (belenen) wrote,

sad over loss of barely-budded connections / time with justben is so healing and beautiful ♥

I've been missing all of my people this week and just feeling very alone and sad. I'm so tired of all my connections being closed off before I even have a chance to explore them. It really feels like I never get a chance to really develop anything -- because of distance or because of rules or because of bad timing or because the other person doesn't want it for whatever reason. I wouldn't give up the little tastes for anything, but I'd like to just... be continuously nourished for once. I feel like a plant that rarely gets rain -- I think I grow pretty well with what I've been given, but how amazingly would I flourish with enough water? I can't even imagine.

Time with Ben somehow just keeps getting better. The dynamic between us baffles me because it's so... shifty! I dunno how to describe it. When we're not together it's like it's on pause, and then when we're together it's like flying. Yesterday ze came over and spent the night and for a while we kissed and kissed and sort of dancy-swayed together to music and OH MY GOD that was intense. And afterward there was a new sort of energy between us, something even more tender and intermingled than usual. It felt really healing and restful. Then this morning we got up with the intention of going to the Etowah Indian Mounds but they're closed on Sundays :-p so we just went driving around... we came across a power plant, which I'd have expected to hate (because eww pollution and eww mass-production) but I LOVED. It felt so wonderful to be near it! vibrant and clean and, well, powerful! I wanted to just go and sit near, but of course it was all fenced in and guarded. (but Ben drove back and forth a little so I could get photos ♥) We also drove by a tree that had the most amazing silver leaves (I think it was a silver linden but can't be sure, didn't get close enough to see the leaf shapes) and a whole stand of babies, gorgeous! I forgot how much I love being driven around and getting to experience just the movement and the feeling without having to focus on driving. I lovelovelove that Ben did that.
Tags: connections, hope, pain, sensuality

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