Belenen (belenen) wrote,
Belenen
belenen

safe

I'm so in love I can hardly breathe. But it's a different kind of love than any I've tasted before. It doesn't just throw me around all wildly like ocean waves -- it also folds around me with fierce tenderness and lifts me with delicate water-fingers and I feel safe in a way I never have before, and I'm so scared because if I adjust to this, if I believe in this and lean into it, all that exists will be transformed. I don't know what that universe is like.

Last night I came apart. I was feeling intense insecurity and I expressed it and then it exploded a billion times larger and I had a complete meltdown (which I haven't experienced in years) -- in front of Anita, while touching (which usually I cannot bear if I'm feeling unlovable). It's rare enough for me to even cry in front of people but to totally fall apart? I've not done that more than three or four times in my life. And it shocked me because I didn't know there were still pieces of me that were so damaged and because I didn't know that I trusted Anita that much. I didn't shut zir out! I did close down some but not completely like I always had before. And ze didn't get frustrated or put up a guard or try to talk me out of it or fix me or make me happy. And ze didn't get disillusioned or angry or cold or impatient. And ze didn't care for me less or trust me less because of it. Ze just stayed with me and let me feel and listened and stayed open to me and felt with me. And ze offered comfort not just once, but gently again and again until I could accept it. And ze held me without me asking. I really cannot put into words what that was like. I'm still having a hard time believing it. It's a memory and I know it happened but it still seems too good to be true.
Tags: arizona, love, pain
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