Belenen (belenen) wrote,

important events in 2010 / overwhelming change, desire, and passion wrapped in community

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:

2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D


...generally dealing with fury, rage and hatred about ex-Ben, especially over how ze's not kept zir word (ze promised me financial support through February so I could find a job (that gave me enough hours to earn a living on))
... lots of stress and worry about money
2th -- do ritual -- burning negatives and writing a gratitude letter
9th -- first semi-public sex with justben
10th -- meet Maggie, have fun conversation and decide I like zir
11th -- write new polyamory style post
22nd-23rd -- feeling unexplained CRAVING
28th -- write an apology letter to Meliae about being callous during the Hannah-Nick-me starting-triad. going by James at work and noticing interesting reactions.


... lots of stress and worry about money
... work is upsetting because of passive-aggressive coworker and not enough hours
5th -- get massively depressed about my birthday. again.
6th -- birthday dinner with Ben, Arizona, Ash, Sharee, eviltwin, and eviltwin's lover (Ash and Sharee get me balloons!) and then watch Playing By Heart, which is interrupted by a fight with Ash.
9th -- meet up with Viv, feel disconnected and sad.
11th -- play Universalis with Kyle and justben and Scarlett (the first time interacting with Kyle).
15th -- discuss sex and religion with justben, Kyle, Sara, Chase, etc. New ideas!
... I'm very attracted to Chase and frustrated that ze's monogamous.


... lots of stress and worry about money
... a few weeks of cold distance with Ash and then making up and feeling very close.
... ask a female person out on a date for the first time and fail at expressing romantic interest!
... two dates with Brian, ze's too busy with work&home stuff so we leave it at that.
18th-20th -- SICK, trying to recharge from emotional exhaustion.
21st -- I buzz my head! byebye color, byebye length!


... lots of stress and worry about money
... Ash starts dating Rob, overflows happy sexual energy everywhere.
7th -- meet up with ex-Ben, make eye contact and realize (FINALLY!) that there is nothing remaining between us.
8th -- impromptu cuddle/reiki/energy party with Ash & Rob & Jaci & Illianna; I get a huge crush on Rob.
10th -- visit Arizona to help move but arrive too late to be of much use, meet the family <3
11th -- vulture flies alongside the car and makes eye contact with me!
12th -- Ash and Rob climb in my bed with me and offer a relationship, I say I want it but a cool-down to be sure first.
15th -- time with Sharee & Rob & Wade & Jaqi & Ash, have a long philosophical conversation with Wade, Ash is unhappy with the connection between Rob and I.
19th -- Ash and Rob decide they're monogamous, so we stop with the cuddling and sexual energy exchange.
...Ash wants me to contribute more or move out, so I start making plans to move out as I can't even afford what I'm paying (was getting help from parents).
27th -- dream about kissing Arizona and take it as a sign, message zir on facebook confessing a crush!
28th -- Arizona writes me back and tells me it's mutual!
30th -- Beltaine Celebration w/ Ash & Rob & Arizona & Jaqi & Deb & Sharee


... lots of stress and worry about money
1st -- first kiss with Arizona! GLOWHAPPY!
2nd -- Big Trees with justben and then watch Avatar and cuddle with sick Arizona
... lots of interviews
4th -- go to Red Top Mountain with Wade, share intense sexual energy afterward but don't have sex because of lack of condoms.
... start spending LOTS of time at Serendipity with Arizona & co.
7th -- lunch with Christa, feel very accepted and encouraged.
8th -- beautiful time with Arizona, I see zir spirit!
... being around Arizona and Chip and Christa (who are all violet spirits) helps me be more myself -- my intuition grows stronger and I start asking more questions.
13th -- date with Wade, discuss awkwardness about the Ash situation (who was pissed at me for going out with Wade after my first impression of zir was negative), have great sex until the condom comes off, followed by a paniced visit to CVS for morning-after pills.
15th -- Ash does not pay the power bill, so there's no power at the apt.
18th -- I tell Arizona "I love you," ze says it back, and Chip dreams it at the same time!
19th -- share energy with Arizona and Chip, talk about violet spirits
22nd -- go to Pagan Leadership meeting with justben and Nicole
28th -- move in with justben and Nicole
29th-31st -- amazing weekend at Serendipity, full openness and connection <3


11th -- watch Playing By Heart with Chip and Arizona!
... lots of discussions with Arizona about the connection between Chip and I; ze worries but wants us to follow our hearts
13th -- long conversation with Chip ending in me kissing zir & exchanging I love yous
14th -- Christa and I have a very deep sharing conversation <3 Kyle is at borderpagans freaking out about zir recent breakup (I pick up and carry some of it but have no idea where it is coming from), asks to hang out and talk with me about poly/queerness, etc.
16th -- failpicnic with Kyle at Kennesaw Mountain (it's closed! there's rain! but also fireflies :D), then coffee at Cool Beans and violin/storytelling, sleepover with talking cuddles kisses but no sex because I'm menstruating.
18th-20th -- Dreaming festival: love confessions with Kyle, Arizona and Chip allow me to stand in while they perform a drawing down ritual which is a gloriously spiritual experience for me, I get jealous of Arizona & Chip's issues (haha), I dance naked in a drum circle around the fire! "Truth-or-Truth" is invented, Christa and Kyle express mutual interest and make out
21st -- I get freaked out realizing how important Kyle is to me already and worrying that ze might break up to be monogamous with someone else, we discuss but don't finish it.
more about the 11th-21st
22nd -- Kyle's deepfriend Koronah comes in town and we go to spend time with zir, I'm enjoying it but still worrying a lot. nearing the end of the evening we talk about it and Koronah listens and holds sacred space for us. Afterward I feel deeply connected with Kyle in a way I don't even have words for and interacting with Koronah makes me so aware of the sacredness of all things and gives me more confidence in expressing that.
23rd & 24th -- magic in Atlanta, share "Black Madonna" with Kyle <3
more about the 22nd-28th
27th-2nd -- visit Ace! we talk on the phone with Kyle loooooots.


... lots of dates -- justben, Kyle, Arizona!
18th -- move to Serendipity! start working in exchange for rent/board, spend LOTS of time there, finally worry less about money 'cause at least I have food and shelter! and don't feel like a mooch (as incredibly grateful as I was to justben and Nicole for hosting me for a month and a half, it made me SO uncomfortable to live on someone else's charity again).


... HEAT ISSUES for the first time in my life, alllll monthhh.
1st -- visit BTFP with Kyle for the first time, nearly die of overheating so have to leave soon :-(
14th -- start school again!!!
... discuss less dating with justben due to school and relationships and working and distance -- not "broken up" exactly but not actively dating.
17th-18th -- meet KAY!!! ze stays over, I have time with Kay & Kyle & Arizona & Chip & Christa!
... lots of fights and make-ups with Kyle, very intense!


6th -- wake for Woodstock Coffeehouse! Kyle and I interact with strangers: Kyle plays violin, I take photos!
... feeling very alienated going to KSU with all the normal straight cis people
27th -- see a double rainbow!
... start hanging out with Hannah & Ronnie & Mike, who are all awesome.


1st-4th -- Kyle goes to Alchemy
4th-5th -- I freak out 'cause I can't get in touch with Kyle and I'm worrying that ze's ignoring/avoiding me, lots of talking, misunderstandings, and reconnecting, loooots of sex.
... Kyle & Arizona and I start watching Lost Girl together on Wednesdays after Kyle's violin lesson.
7th -- Kyle and I have rough sex followed by zir going down on me with (what we didn't realize was) a cold sore on zir lip, beginning of vulva suffering
9th -- Pagan Pride with Arizona and R., then Arizona and I visit colab with Saleena and Kyle and justben (my first time there!)
10th -- my first queerpride with Arizona! we arrive late and I feel let down about my lack of local queer community.
14th-19th -- find out I have herpes, stay home in bed in MASSIVE amounts of pain
23rd -- awesome outing with Hannah and Kyle! I get to know zir a bit more :D also Aurilion calls me! and we talk for the first time in ages.
... I start spending about half of the week at Kyle's, which is much closer to my school.
25th -- go to Stian's, meet new queerfolk, talk with Tali, feel encouraged about possible queer community
26th -- I do a photoshoot with Jackie and Ronnie and Hannah! and they like the results! and I feel like a photographer!
29th -- see MASSIVE ATTACK with Kyle!!!!!!!!!!!!!
31st -- Halloween party with Kyle and Arizona and Emily -- I go down on a stranger for the first time and pack in public for the first time.


... EXTREMELY exhausting month, reach my coping limit for the first time since I broke up with Hannah and Nick in June 2008.
6th -- meet Nads, we exchange back rubs while watching Children of Men (ze's lovely to cuddle)
8th -- Kyle talks with me about porn, I lend zir Robert Jensen's "Getting Off"
11th -- go to drive Kyle home, massive fight on the way (Kyle expresses that ze wants me to reach out more, I misunderstand and think ze's discounting my affectionate touch and get massively triggered), finally we find the tangle, forgive each other and have food together
--- ALSO talk with Arizona about the direction of our relationship (ze wants partnership-type relationship and I don't :-() end up in a sort of limbo
13th -- meet Kyle at Land of 1000 Hills coffeehouse, then go to BTFP, have massive fight with gigantic miscommunications about empathy and giving comfort
14th -- I have breakfast with Kyle & zir mom, then caretake for Kyle when ze comes home sick after hiking
16th -- tell Arizona I can't go to FL with the family for Thanksgiving because I'm too drained and also stressed about school: ze's very sad
17th -- have emotional breakdown, talk to Kyle, ze empathizes and gives me spirit-hugs and love
18th -- MORE fighting with Kyle -- finally work out the problem (ze thought I wanted zir to always empathize immediately if I was upset and be perfect about it), leave it a bit unfinished, ze's still feeling pressured
19th -- have healing (but delicate-as-eggshells) time with Kyle and then hang out with Kyle & Hannah & Jon (& a little w Mike & Ronnie) & Liana, make fire, smoke
20th -- go to Southeast Burning Man Decompression with Kyle -- dance wildly, drum manically, and kiss lots of people (my first burn-type event!) It's immensely healing for us.
25th -- go with Kyle to Kiva's, get buzzed on wine, take Kyle out back for sexytimes, join backrub chain with Nads behind & Kyle in front
27th -- meet Lyre in person finally!, we talk lots and I realize my current goal is connecting to and creating community, we go to Luminocity and discover gloATL<3


4th -- Kyle plays with Pocket The Moon, then we go to Caitlyn's where Locke and I hang out and sing(!)
6th -- food/alcohol sharing & music/art making with Kyle, Hannah, 'Trik, Mike, Liana, Locke (long conversations & cuddles with Locke)
7th -- Arizona and I discuss our relationship and decide to be just friends
10th -- get intoxicated with Kyle & Liana & Jon & Molly, dancing, cuddling
11th -- go to a party and talk with Locke & 'Trik, dance with Kyle, cuddle with Locke, kiss a straight girl
... I get ALL A's in my classes YEAH!
16th -- meet up with Stian for coffee and conversation, really enjoy zir company
17th -- Kyle & I spend time with Maggie & Locke, Kyle & Maggie make out a LOT, Locke kisses me and spends the night, cuddles&kisses
23rd-28th -- lil sis comes to visit, hangs out with Hannah a lot, gets a tattoo
24th-25th -- Kyle & lil sis & I stay at Serendipity, it snows and we get sick :-( but the company is wonderful <3
27th -- I'm feeling REALLY sick but invite people over to meet my lil sis anyway, drink while feeling bad and end up feeling worse (lesson learned!) and drunktext Locke saying "I wanna be close to you!"
28th -- Kyle and I help Maggie move
30th -- I spend time with Locke, talking about our childhoods mostly and watching Playing By Heart
31st -- Kyle and I go to Colab for New Year's party and I get too drunk for the first time (lesson learned!) but have a wonderful time anyway.
Tags: ace, arizona, art -- photography, ashe, atlanta, b - ex-partner, big trees forest preserve, biofamily, birthday, chip, christa, colaboratory, connections, crushes, dancing, deities, destined happenings, disconnection, dreams more real than waking, drumming, friendship, gender, gratitude, growth, hair, hannah, hope, intuition, kanika, kay, kylei, life story, lj friends, localtribe, locke, love, maggie, money, music, names, openness, other-directed education, paganism, polyamory / relationship anarchy, queerness, recovery / therapy / healing, relationships, risk-taking, ritual, sara, sensuality, serendipity, sex, spirit connections, spirituality, the essential belenen collection, those passing through, touch, turning points, viv, work

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