April 2018
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recent foci: sex, oppression, community, spirituality

So my life has been so fucking crazy since I broke up with the ex-partner. Was that really only 17 months ago? Wow. Anyway, it's just been speeding up and up and up. Last year I tried a lot of things that were new to me, just sort of stretching and exploring, and I'm definitely still in that process, but I'm starting to get to the point where I can organize all the things I've learned and start integrating them and re-focusing my life. The things that have been most on my mind are sex, oppression, and community (not necessarily in that order) -- and within the past three weeks I've been experiencing a sort of spiritual awakening as well.

Sex has been on my mind because, well, my sex with Kyle is mind-blowing and life-altering (and I'm not exaggerating). If I include details this entry will be twice as long, so I shan't, but I will talk about the effect of it. I've realized that sex is quite important to me, I'm just really picky, and I get bored if the other person is not emotionally naked. I don't have sex to feel the physical sensation -- I have it to feel aetheric selves pressed against each other. Openness in the moment is enough for one-time sex, but I think that tends to fade with familiarity unless it comes from the sort of vulnerability that infuses the person's life. Maybe it's a self-awareness thing too. All of that is what seems to be a coalescing image of what I want in sex. I don't want to draw people out, either. That's something I spent so many years doing and while I might do it again in the future, I'm taking a break. For right now, for me to emotionally invest in someone, ze has to be actively opening zir own self. I'm willing to share connection with people who are not open, but I am not going to invest in them right now.

Oppression has been on my mind in a whole new way -- I've been taking a race and ethnicity class which is educating me on the massive atrocities done to people of color (especially the whitewashed British and USian crimes) and the social construction of whiteness. And there are such clear and abundant parallels between this new information and the stuff that I already know about sexism that it blows my MIND that there is an anti-racist movement, a feminist movement, a queer movement, a disability justice movement, but not a unified movement. It's caused by the SAME thing and uses the same tools! If you understand one you understand the others! AGH. (please do not respond to this paragraph, I'm really burnt out on talking about it atm) I've been talking about this in class and with Kyle (A LOT) and some with Mike (Kyle's roommate), and have been learning how to actually share things. I just wrote a mini-rant on the arguments I've been dealing with but I'm not going to include it because I'm pretty sure people wouldn't be able to resist arguing and I really can't deal with more of that at the moment.

But anyway, the effect of being in that class (with a prof who is ACTUALLY anti-sexist instead of blarglefaugfdsase) has been to make me feel less alone. I know that some of you are quite genuinely equalist across the board but before meeting this professor I'd not met anyone in person who was fully equalist and educated about prejudice and an activist -- omifog the relief! I feel like I can actually let this stuff hit me because it's not going to be denied or ignored or dismissed as SomebodyElse'sProblem by everyone I try to talk to about it (most of them, but I can live with that). The downside is that the class is incredibly draining and every Thursday I feel like I'm going to die. But it's getting better because I have more support now -- Kyle has started becoming more aware and listening, and I've been talking to Hannah weekly (!!!).

Which moves me into community! I've been exploring several different local circles of people -- the burners, the queer activists, the poly community, the artists, and the dunno-what-to-call-ems-who-have-been-in-Kyle's-life-a-long-time. And then meeting outliers and trying to loop them in to one or the other. What I would really like is to eventually function as a bridge between these groups. I feel like each of them could really learn from each other, and there's already so much overlap yet not a lot of blending. And I want to delve into each and and wrap vines into their branches. This means I've been spending a LOT of time socializing (at least 2-3 times a week, plus school and lots of time with Kyle), which is new and definitely an adjustment, but one I like.

And then the spiritual shifting -- Kyle and I experienced something pretty awful a few weeks ago, after which we cleansed each other energetically, and since then we've been actively interacting with each others' energies, which has been amazing and really growthful already. I think interacting with Hannah every week has also been spiritually opening, and this week I called Aurilion and we've started reconnecting also, which has been pretty powerful. I think with Aurilion it's been especially potent because Kyle and I have a strong heart connection so I am now really used to connecting that way, and the way that Aurilion and I connect is through heart. Ze said that my heart feels more open, which I do think is true, but I think the difference is mainly just that I am used to connecting that way now. And this week there have been four separate people who have talked about how they want to start meditating, so I'm taking that as a sign that the universe REALLY wants me to start participating in group meditation (I want to start going to the Quaker meetings in Atlanta). One of them is a housemate, so hopefully we'll start carpooling either this week or next.

Annnnd with the being really busy, I've realized that if I want anything to happen, I have to schedule it (seriously, including phone conversations). So I'm thinking of setting a weekly time for LJing and at least summarizing the week, because I miss having a record of my life. I don't like that my most productive and growthful periods usually result in a dearth of LJing. I process things with Kyle constantly so I don't feel as much of an urge to write, but I want to be able to remember, so I'm going to use that as my writing-catalyst.

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Sucked In
writer_lilies ══╣Sucked In╠══
And that's my reason for avoiding sex. Being emotionally naked terrifies me and I can handle the physical by myself. Then again, I always felt that the emotional aspect could be handled without a need to take any clothing off.

Clearly I'm still confused on all this. Don't mind me. You just drew my moth toward you.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
I like hearing your thoughts so even if they don't prompt further discussion, feel free to share! <3
tangledaxon ══╣╠══
Just commenting to say I read this, that I've been missing you, and I'm happy you're sharing!
belenen ══╣adoring╠══
thank you lovey! *billionairhugs*
camilleyun ══╣╠══
Nice to see you back.

I watched a film this morning called Room in Rome. I liked it a lot and thought I'd recommend it if you have Netflix and feel like watching something on the instant viewer.
belenen ══╣curious╠══
thanks for the recommendation! I don't have netflix but when I can find an English copy I'll check it out ;-)
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
Yay for this post! As you can probably imagine, there are about a thousand suggestions I'd like to make and things I'd like to contribute regarding the third paragraph, so I'm biting my figurative tongue right now. Get in touch if you want some blog or book recommendations in the future <3
belenen ══╣revolutionary╠══
heh, Kat, tell me things! It was more that I couldn't handle dealing with "ur doin' it rong" and I've gotten that far too often lately. But I'm totally up for Kat-knowledge!
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
If you have time for book-reading outside of classes, pick up ANYTHING bell hooks. bell is AMAZING and I'm certain you'll love any of those works. There's also a fantastic blog on blogspot (or blogger or whatever it's called these days) called Womanist Musings. Every Sunday, Rene does a wrap up called "Drop it Like it's Hot" with a dozen or so lined articles of interest primarily relating to oppression in some form or other. Sexual -isms; identity -isms; -isms about functioning in the world; so many bases are covered and it's a fantastic wrap-up.

YES magazine is also a great resource, and their e-newsletter will send you more reading material than I can even handle, without being in school. Much of what they write about is big-picture stuff about education and natural living; they have very utopian ideals, but they haven't forgotten where we need to start; it's all really great reading. Then there's also RaceTalk and Color Lines online magazines which are great for opening eyes up where they used to be closed. I have those two added on facebook, so their updates go straight to my news feed where I can read them every day.

Required reading for anything related to racial oppression in this country would be Howard Zinn's "A People's History" but it's a brick of a book and pretty overwhelming to read. Perhaps it could be added to a list of books to get to at some point. HZ an amazing writer and I pretty much guarantee you'll cry. He doesn't deal with any of the namby pamby bullshit and lies that schools will publish in their history books; he writes blinders-off truth about what happened in this country and the ways we're all still reeling from it.

I'm so excited to see you on this path <3 Oppression affects so many human beings for so many reasons, and while it's so great to see anyone fighting to relieve any kind of oppression, it's always so wonderful to see people standing up to more and more different kinds of oppression, rather than choosing their one or two Pet Issues and ignoring all the rest, or calling those secondary. Best wishes for the journey ahead, and feel free to get in touch any time and by any means if you want to talk about this stuff--I miss you! x's & o's :)
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.