Belenen (belenen) wrote,

random -- yay LJing! / school and money stress / body changes / Kanika is staying at Serendipity

I replied to comments today! and commented on someone else's post as well! this is so new and happy-yay! I've missed LJing. I mean, it's not just about processing or recording -- it's about letting you in and growing closer to you. I miss you Nea and J and Laura and Kay and Kat and Angie and Sabrina and Andi and Kelley and Jen andandand! I've been facebooking a lot so I've kept in better contact with some of you but it's not the same. Also y'all need to post more! *laughs*

I'd forgotten just how RICH it is to write here, and how wonderful I feel when I look at my journal and see my thoughts painted out and framed. It's been bugging me for a long time that I haven't been writing but I just haven't had the pull because most of my LJ inspirations have also been posting less (or moved to dreamwidth, which I could just never get into because I couldn't take my custom style with me and I'm so attached to it). Now I've been talking to Hannah, which sort of puts me in the right mindspace for writing, and I've gotten back in contact with Aurilion, who is writing (♥ ♥ ♥!!!) in the style I do, which makes me feel all kinds of fingersmacky.

I'm stressed about school, partly because the scholarship that's been funding me is being changed to something I'm worried I can't manage, eek, so now I'm stressed about grades when I'd just gotten over that thanks to all As last semester. But I have a class which is all multiple choice tests which I do badly on even when I study (and I didn't study for the last test, ACK) and another which I love but have gotten very behind on. So, stress=much. and then there's all these things that feel really important to do this summer, like having Hannah visit and going to Transformus and going to the RADICAL FEMINIST SEMINAR (in Boston MA), all of which cost money. I feel like I need to do these things... and I am so massively busy this semester that I don't think I could handle working until the semester is over. Wonder if I could get my local coffeehouse to give me a job starting as soon as finals are done, hmmm.

Ohh, and I want to talk about my body! I've been thinking a lot about curvygirls this week because it was the one activist thing that I can point to and be like, "I made an obvious difference!" so I put it on my scholarship applications, heh. But anyway, my body has changed a LOT over the past year, because I've been so much more active. I think possibly also I've been undereating because it's hard to find food without meat that actually nourishes me, and while I can do it at home, I'm often away for lengths of time. And I can only eat so many bananas and food bars. But mostly I've just been active -- I was working on really physical stuff all summer and have kept moving since. Kyle loves to take walks and so we do that pretty often, and there is a coffeeshop in walking distance which motivates me to take walks even on my own! :-O I've found the changes in my body a little disconcerting, as I've never lost fat to this extent before. My breasts have gotten less full and my belly is less firm, and now I can't wear some of my clothes without them falling off, which I find REALLY ANNOYING. But I feel stronger and I'm more flexible (though the flexibility is mainly from sex) and I'm adjusting, though I'm not quite keeping up with the changes so I still look in the mirror and feel a sense of not-my-body. But I've discovered that it helps to dance naked in front of the full-length mirror in my room :D

Also Serendipity has adopted Kanika, or perhaps the other way around. I went to visit this weekend and 'Nika had pretty clearly decided that Arizona is zir new person (though ze was excited to see me and went back and forth, so I've not been forgotten), and as they were willing to keep zir, it seemed right. I'll miss zir a lot but I know ze will be happier in one place and I'll probably keep being a tumbleweed so it would just stress us both out.
Tags: aurilion, body image, hannah, journalling, kanika, money, serendipity

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