And right now, even with all the fruitfulness of my life (and I feel it is really flourishing), whenever I am not interacting with Kyle I feel like I am waiting for the next interaction. That feels like the greatest 'work' of my life at the moment, and I find that a bit disconcerting. I feel like I'm becoming so quickly -- so quickly! -- but I don't know what. I feel like this awakened seed that started two summers ago is reaching out of the soil for the first time and just curling-unfurling-stretching-dancing into a living being so FAST. I think the part of me that interacting with Kyle nourishes is a part that has never really been nourished before. It's a part that I was trained to see as "bad" -- I was taught to be dependable and stable and give that to anyone who asked, but it's not me to be stable, it really isn't. Dependable is a little more questionable; there are certain things I want people to be able to depend on me for but at the same time I want nothing to be expected, so I don't know. I'm not sure where that one is going to go. There's a certain amount that I THINK has to be unchanging for others to be able to intertwine with, but perhaps not? perhaps it takes dynamic and dynamic to form bonds in the midst of change? and maybe I can keep a part of me not-dynamic without hurting myself? I'm trying to figure that out at the moment. But I feel like connecting with Kyle has nourished the dynamic fearless part of me and I'm actively developing the ability to play without fear of fucking up.
One thing Maggie mentioned about the way Kyle and I interact is that we do things just "in tune" with each other -- if we're cleaning or cooking or just setting something up, we don't bump into each other or have to discuss much, we just act in tandem. I consider this a function of our spirit connection 'cause I've experienced it with everyone else I have spirit connections with; it's just stronger with Kyle and extends past conscious projects to spiritual senses about things. And that? I can't explain directly but I think I can explain sideways by saying that I feel we could share an altar. (which is a new and profound realization)
And I've learned that making personal taboos is not a way I want to try to keep myself on track. I developed a taboo against "being untrue" and instead of helping me be true, it made me afraid to change or explore things that were on the edges of me-ness, because if I accidentally did something that wasn't true to me, that would not be okay. I started realizing this a long time ago when I decided that being a little bit of a hypocrite was important to me, but I didn't realize just how important that is. I've decided that accepting/celebrating imperfection (and calling it hypocrisy to take the sting out of that word) is important to me and something that I will add to my list of core values to make them unabsolute.