Perhaps relatedly, I've been feeling very failureish in my interactions with people. I keep feeling like the people I like can't possibly want me. Like the depression, this sometimes overwhelms me and sometimes seems just illogical and obviously wrong. Last night I had this dream that started out beautifully** -- I was having this slow, sweet sexperience with someone that (in waking life) I'm very drawn to, and then the scene shifted and I was with that same person and two others that I also am quite drawn to, but all three of them were distracted with other people and put me off (not rejecting me, but just considering interaction with me to be unimportant). This is the thing that I fear -- not being rejected, but being accepted at arms-length. I fear being tolerated; I want to be desired. I feel like I'm experiencing the same thing I experienced last year with the pagan community -- I'm all excited at finding these awesome new people, but they're used to it, so they're not excited at finding me. This time I'm trying to be more active and reach out so it's working out a bit better but I've always had a hard time integrating into an already-formed group because I worry I'm not wanted, just tolerated, and in such a case my mind says, "stop intruding!" bah.
Part of me feels very... relapse-ish? about this. I'm not used to being unable to cope, nor to feeling pain without a clear cause (which I can then change or accept). I did have one breakdown last November but that only lasted about a week and this is just going onnnn... and then I think I've overcome and BAM there it is again.
**at the beginning of the dream it felt more real than waking. I woke up somewhere in here and I feel like it was after the beautiful part and before the sad part -- I think my depression intervened when I became semi-conscious and then couldn't get back into the first part of the dream. *FURY AT IT*