Belenen (belenen) wrote,

depression / failurish in interactions? / agh inability to cope

Since late February and with increasing intensity, I've been depressed (even though some of the most incredible, beautiful, profound moments of my life have occurred since then). It's not been overwhelming every day but it has been there constantly -- this huge weight that I can sometimes carry and sometimes crushes me. I have a lot of wonderful positivity flowing into my life in the form of new friends, new community, Kyle, intensely beautiful spiritual and sexual experiences, and these things bring me out of it, but over the past week I had a breakdown almost every day. Weeping and being unable to eat or even move, fantasizing about self-harm and suicide (though that is not an intent of mine, I find it comforting to think about). And there's not a "good reason" for it (nothing hugely bad has happened) but it's there. I don't really know what to do with it except hope that once I finish the semester I can just rest and let summer heal me. I know that part of it is just school stress accumulating, and financial stress, and part of it is that this time of year is almost always irrationally depressing(though it's usually just the end of February through March and is over by April :-/), and I think perhaps the remainder is chemical. I've had a hard time staying open and connected because I've never had support during a depressive period before and feel afraid to believe in it, but I HAVE stayed open and Kyle's not attacked me for being upset but has listened and given love. I can't even express how much that means to me. A handful of people have given me comfort during single episodes before, but until now I've never had someone walk with me through a period of it.

Perhaps relatedly, I've been feeling very failureish in my interactions with people. I keep feeling like the people I like can't possibly want me. Like the depression, this sometimes overwhelms me and sometimes seems just illogical and obviously wrong. Last night I had this dream that started out beautifully** -- I was having this slow, sweet sexperience with someone that (in waking life) I'm very drawn to, and then the scene shifted and I was with that same person and two others that I also am quite drawn to, but all three of them were distracted with other people and put me off (not rejecting me, but just considering interaction with me to be unimportant). This is the thing that I fear -- not being rejected, but being accepted at arms-length. I fear being tolerated; I want to be desired. I feel like I'm experiencing the same thing I experienced last year with the pagan community -- I'm all excited at finding these awesome new people, but they're used to it, so they're not excited at finding me. This time I'm trying to be more active and reach out so it's working out a bit better but I've always had a hard time integrating into an already-formed group because I worry I'm not wanted, just tolerated, and in such a case my mind says, "stop intruding!" bah.

Part of me feels very... relapse-ish? about this. I'm not used to being unable to cope, nor to feeling pain without a clear cause (which I can then change or accept). I did have one breakdown last November but that only lasted about a week and this is just going onnnn... and then I think I've overcome and BAM there it is again.

**at the beginning of the dream it felt more real than waking. I woke up somewhere in here and I feel like it was after the beautiful part and before the sad part -- I think my depression intervened when I became semi-conscious and then couldn't get back into the first part of the dream. *FURY AT IT*
Tags: dreams, dreams more real than waking, fear / insecurity, kylei, pain, sex

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