Belenen (belenen) wrote,

excitement about Abby! confusion about Seth

ohmigod y'all I'm so nervousssssss tonight is my first actual date (as in, planned one on one time) with Abby! eeeeeeeeeeeek. I'm not leaving for another hour and 15 minutes and then it's a 25 minute drive but my heart is already beating so fast. I'm SO NERVOUS.

I feel like this is real. Monday Abby came over to watch fireworks with us and we had our first one-on-one conversation and cuddled and talked really fast pouring over each other, which seems to be a thing we do, this eagerness to share that makes us overlap -- not enough to miss what the other is saying but just shy of that. It feels like running so fast and leaning so far forward you ALMOST fall on your face but you don't -- it's exhilarating. And the other day when we met up at a concert, ze came running over to hug me when ze saw me! eeeeeeeeeee!!!!! Ohmigod. I haven't been able to think about anything but Abby for dayssss. And I dreamed about zir and when I told zir I had, ze told me ze had dreamed about me too <3! and ze remembers things I say, which is something that makes me feel profoundly seen/loved.

Ze's dating this male person named Seth and that's been confusing for me 'cause I feel like it's a pattern that I'll be interested in a female person and they'll like me too but then a male comes along and they treat that relationship like it is more real (sometimes because it's just a more developed relationship, but at least half of the time it's JUST the maleness). And logically I feel sure that Abby's not going to turn monogamous or treat me like not-a-person, but Seth is straight and seems pretty gender-normative and has the sort of body shape that's in fashion for men, and all of those things set off my worries. And Seth and I are sort of interested in each other, but we haven't really spent any time together yet so I dunno how that will go. I feel very confused by Seth as a person because ze's really sweet and seems to enjoy my company but is sorta flaky. I don't want to chase someone who may or may not be interested, so I'm just gonna let that go as it will. Though it's a little frustrating just because I am curious 'cause I find zir SO confusing. And, I shamefully confess, because I stereotype zir as "socially-hot straight cisgender white male" and I want to break that down and talking with zir would help, I feel pretty sure.

I tend to not write here lately because 1) I tell everything to Kyle and don't need to process as much 2) I feel like there is no context for anything that I want to write about so I only want to write if I give all the context. But if I just write random bits more often they will FORM context. So I'm going to try to write and ignore the fact that it might seem totally out of nowhere.
Tags: abby, fear / insecurity

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