Belenen (belenen) wrote,

growwwwwth / school and seeking the way to make change / getting back to unity w Kyle / car stress

There's so much going on, all the time all the time. I keep thinking that "this is unusual" but it's been this way since last summer. Not a day goes without some significant change/growth; I'm kudzu in summer.

School is changing me; the classes aren't that interesting this semester but I'm learning how people organize and how they follow. I'm learning so much and the more I learn about prejudice the more angry and determined I get. There is so much inertia to work against, so much unwillingness to change, to SEE. I don't know what the best course is; I feel like I am uniquely suited to talk to Christians because I speak Christianese and I know the Bible really well, and for people who claim to base all their beliefs on the Bible, that is the tool you have to use in order to be heard. They're not going to listen to "be more accepting, don't you think Jesus wants you to be nice?" but they will listen to "here are the verses used to justify this doctrine and here is how they don't actually support it." So I think maybe I should be a Christian pastor -- but even though there are a lot of honest, loving Christians who are just fed misinformation, I don't want to spend my life surrounded by them or needing to explain my life in terms they can understand. So maybe I should be a professor -- but I don't want to spend my life surrounded by people who are educationally privileged. I want to talk to people who don't have any other source in their life for learning the truth about oppression, not people who have the truth all around them but choose to close their eyes and put their fingers in their ears. So then what? I have no idea. I mean, I think I could make a difference as a professor and researcher but is it enough? I want to be a Bayard Rustin, an Angelina Grimke, a Fannie Lou Hamer, an Andrea Dworkin, a Robert Jensen. I want to make change for people of color, trans people, people with disabilities, queers, women, children, people who are not neurotypical, kindhearted but terribly misinformed Christians, poor people, mobile people, etc. I want to help take down the kyriarchy. And I don't think that's too much -- I think I have what it takes. I just haven't figured out how to get there yet. This is what I need to do with my life. Even if can't find some large audience and end up doing it by tiny ripples of one conversation after another and the occasional letter to some big shot, this is me. Luckily I don't mind being poor, and luckier that "poor" where I live still includes so many luxuries. I would be a sad creature without my coffee rituals and my raw food.

A while ago I mentioned that summer was very hard on my relationship with Kyle, and the effects of that continued a long time. One of us would hurt the other, and then we would work on it and get to the place where it felt like the relationship was still worth saving, but it didn't get to the point where our unity started to come back until we went to Alchemy and had the biggest fight we'd ever had and finally broke through. I'm not sure why that worked, but since then Kyle and I have been actively focused on our unity and we are building it again. We're back to having lots of sex and feeling really connected; we're again having short intense discussions which are quickly resolved with hugs and forehead-touches, instead of getting blown out of proportion into fights with tears and meanness that take a whole day to heal. We're both very volatile people and we really cannot work without our unity, our us-ness magic. We need that overwhelmingly-wonderful connection in order to easily weather our passionate, not-toned-down upsetness. And I think we need it to feel safe being all the way open and naked. And it still feels fragile and new and I still worry something will happen to break it before it's strong again, but it's there. We can hear each other when we don't speak, we can move around each other without ever colliding. I feel we need to nurture it with lots of time together and lots of ritual and sex and listening and practicing magic, and we are.

A huge stress on me is that I'm taking my life in my hands every time I drive because my car is so near-broken. Honestly I feel that ze is running on spirit at this point -- that car is so faithful. I remember thinking that I would be happy if ze lasted 8 years and ze has been with me now for 8 years and 5 months <3 I'm gonna miss zir so much :-( But ze's burning oil -- I have to add a quart every 45 miles and I know ze won't pass emissions again. It was a miracle that ze passed this year. And zir steering wheel is not working properly, and ze doesn't like to start warm, so I have to let zir sit for 3 hours after each trip. I'm so tired of being scared every time I drive, and feeling trapped all the time. Hopefully I can find a good replacement soon -- people are selling cars for really cheap right now so hopefully I can find another good-MPG car that will last me 8 years. And hopefully THEN I can afford an electric or hybrid. That would be wonderful.

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