April 2018
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hurting, scared

might be triggering... depression, suicidal thoughts, (mild) self-harm, financial stresses

Life has been REALLY fucking hard for me lately. I'm not sure if I just got completely wiped out during this semester or if there is something scarier at work but I felt like part-stressball part-robot from the move (in mid-march) until the end of the semester (at the beginning of may) and then I've been slowly trying to regain my connection to life. But I'm fragile, and things which would normally be only somewhat upsetting are devastating. Every single week this month something has happened to trigger me and I've cried for at least an hour afterward... yesterday I screamed and screamed and scratched myself all over, ate nothing all day. I felt so deeply apathetic that I wanted to die but couldn't muster the motivation to even think of a plan, I just wanted to stop living. I wanted to be beaten, not as some kind of kinky thing but because I wanted to be hurt enough that life would forgive me for whatever I did wrong and let me stop hurting for a while. (childhood trauma rearing its head again)

I feel scared that I'm broken again, like I was in 2004 when I was going through intensive therapy. I don't want to be there again. I hate that it is an intense struggle to feel joy and that anything can shatter it. I feel that if I could just get a rest I would be okay. But things like a hold on my registration (for a $5 fee that I already paid) and comcast lying to me and then demanding $250, and finding out that I have something in "collections" that is probably one of those things but I'm scared it might be even worse (and the site won't work for me to look at it), and not being able to find a job, and and and and, constantly piling on, makes me so fragile I am constantly shattering again and the glue never has time to set. I just need a rest but there is nowhere for me to go to get one because even if I escape some stress, the money worry is always in my mind.

It probably doesn't help my fragility that I keep spending my energy arguing with people about feminism, but that has led me to an awesome group of activists and in some cases has actually inspired self-education, and to let things go feels like a betrayal of self and world. I don't want to tolerate oppression and I won't, so do NOT suggest that I back down or take it easy. This is one of the few things in my life that I feel is going in a clearly positive direction. It might drain me but it's worth it.

I need I need I need I need. I need no new hurts for at least two weeks. I need to be cuddled without having to initiate or give back. I need to be in magical places and I need to make beautiful things. I need to be a woeful coddled kitten for just a little while.

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camilleyun ══╣╠══
Hang in there!
If you want to get away for a couple of days you can come stay at my house. We can go to Cloudland Canyon and even do 'animal therapy'...I have a dog, kitten, and 3 grown cats. I'll pay for your round trip bus ride and feed you while you're here. I don't know how far the Atlanta airport is from you or where would be the next closest place where Groome transportation goes but they have 30-something buses leaving daily. If that's not convenient there's always Greyhound.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
I just realized I never responded to this, and it meant the WORLD to me. Travel takes a lot of spoons for me and Kylei is a big support system for me, so I think it would only work soon if ze could come too and that seems like a big imposition. But I have been keeping this in the back of my mind and I would absolutely love to take you up on that as soon as I feel up to solo travel *many many hugs*
camilleyun ══╣╠══
I have a guest bedroom with a queen size bed. There are 2 bathrooms in the house. It would really be no big deal. My house rules are no smoking indoors [I have an ashtray on the porch for the smokers], be mindful that the animals do not get out, and be sure to leave the laundry room door open so the cats can get to their litter boxes. Other than that, I don't see an issue. If anyone is allergic to animals that would obviously be a problem in my house!
mmmmurgle ══╣╠══
*hugs and hugs and hugs and hugs* *soft head pettings*

I'm so sorry lovely. I hope you find a way to reground. Maybe go out to the Big Tree Forest Reserve? Or maybe somewhere closer, but just somewhere that you can let the green and growing and warmth and wind through the rustling leaves sink into you and nourish you.

I know how hard it can be when you're stretched as thin as you can go and there just keeps being just one more thing--but you've gotten through times when there was more concrete things going wrong, and got through them strong and amazing. You'll get through this too, I know you will.

jupitercornwall ══╣╠══
I understand completely. If you need to get away, be in a different environment for a couple of days, talk to someone different, I'm here. Hug
love. penguin -
delicatexflower ══╣love. penguin - "it will be alright"╠══

i don't think you are broken. wounded, perhaps? yes. but your spirit is still wanting more, wanting things to get better. so, there's hope still in your foundation. i don't have the answers, but i do know that at your lowest lows, our hearts mourn but we get our most creative insight. *hugs*
kiwi ══╣Flower╠══

There is not much out there that scares me more than financial stuff. I have been there and I completely understand and feel for you. This, too, shall pass - I know that sometimes it feels like the world is completely against you and there isn't a single damn thing you can do to make it better or make the pain stop but you're right - what you need is to get without giving.

I really wish there was something I could do because this post kind of spoke to me on a different level, just because I do understand...so instead, I am staring at the chunk of aquamarine given to me by a patient who told me I changed her life and willing it's powers of serenity and tranquility to flow to you. I hope like crazy that it reaches you.

tamara ══╣╠══
I'm very glad you've decided to come with us this weekend. Please put aside your worries and enjoy the weekend. You need and deserve it. I will give you many cuddles and kisses.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.