Belenen (belenen) wrote,

hurting, scared

might be triggering... depression, suicidal thoughts, (mild) self-harm, financial stresses

Life has been REALLY fucking hard for me lately. I'm not sure if I just got completely wiped out during this semester or if there is something scarier at work but I felt like part-stressball part-robot from the move (in mid-march) until the end of the semester (at the beginning of may) and then I've been slowly trying to regain my connection to life. But I'm fragile, and things which would normally be only somewhat upsetting are devastating. Every single week this month something has happened to trigger me and I've cried for at least an hour afterward... yesterday I screamed and screamed and scratched myself all over, ate nothing all day. I felt so deeply apathetic that I wanted to die but couldn't muster the motivation to even think of a plan, I just wanted to stop living. I wanted to be beaten, not as some kind of kinky thing but because I wanted to be hurt enough that life would forgive me for whatever I did wrong and let me stop hurting for a while. (childhood trauma rearing its head again)

I feel scared that I'm broken again, like I was in 2004 when I was going through intensive therapy. I don't want to be there again. I hate that it is an intense struggle to feel joy and that anything can shatter it. I feel that if I could just get a rest I would be okay. But things like a hold on my registration (for a $5 fee that I already paid) and comcast lying to me and then demanding $250, and finding out that I have something in "collections" that is probably one of those things but I'm scared it might be even worse (and the site won't work for me to look at it), and not being able to find a job, and and and and, constantly piling on, makes me so fragile I am constantly shattering again and the glue never has time to set. I just need a rest but there is nowhere for me to go to get one because even if I escape some stress, the money worry is always in my mind.

It probably doesn't help my fragility that I keep spending my energy arguing with people about feminism, but that has led me to an awesome group of activists and in some cases has actually inspired self-education, and to let things go feels like a betrayal of self and world. I don't want to tolerate oppression and I won't, so do NOT suggest that I back down or take it easy. This is one of the few things in my life that I feel is going in a clearly positive direction. It might drain me but it's worth it.

I need I need I need I need. I need no new hurts for at least two weeks. I need to be cuddled without having to initiate or give back. I need to be in magical places and I need to make beautiful things. I need to be a woeful coddled kitten for just a little while.
Tags: anxiety / overwhelmed / stress, fear / insecurity, money, n/a*, pain, social justice / feminism

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