Belenen (belenen) wrote,


Kylei just got a job that has zir away from the house for 50 hours a week, and it's such a sharp drop-off from the time we usually spend together that it's making me really sad. And I start class soon, which feels scary as always. Oh, life. :-( I need to make more time for writing... I have so much organizational responsibility I've taken on, nervousss... Relationships shifting lots, realizing that it's my tribe that is my home, building my community. Kanika has learned how to join my dreamwalks and I'm dreaming about zir constantly. I miss my little sister. I can't ever live in New Orleans because the water is toxic. I want to get my tattoos, but how I can find a trustworthy artist (because someone inking me forever needs to be anti-oppression) I don't know. This post is so random and useless. I miss Abby. I wonder if Adi and Rob will become more separate people when they get a home. I wonder if my life will ever line up where I can live with all my lovers. I'm sad. I want cuddles. I hate going to sleep when I'm sad. I wish I could find a way to live off of art I make. I need to try local shops: but I'd need prints, and/or a sample shadow box of my jewelry, and that requires monetary investment, and I don't believe in my art selling enough to make that investment... Selling one's art without turning it into advertizing just seems like ungraspable magic. I know people who have done it but don't really understand how. Maybe one day? And one day I want to be making change in a broader way. I don't care how and I don't care if I get marginalized like Bayard Rustin. I just care that I get to coordinate and brainstorm (and make love) with other anti-oppression people and that I see change happening as a result. I want to make creative solutions. I want to make people so uncomfortable with their privilege that they start shedding it. I want more nature magic in my life. I feel bereft of that. I want more people in my life who bring me into magic, instead of the other way around. Whenever I think about that I miss Aurilion. And kinda miss Hannah but that feels so helpless with the distance. and then I miss Nick too. And I wish I were rich, so that I could fly them to visit me. *sigh sigh sigh*

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