Belenen (belenen) wrote,

ravenous heart

My heart is hungry. My life is so ridiculously full right now; 30% N/A* and thinkingtryingthinking on how to build coalitions and become a more effective activist, 30% school (mostly frustrations at my uninspiring or problematic classmates/profs: though there are some cool and inspiring people), 20% Kylei and Abby and others, 10% art. Then that last 10% is this longing, this ravenous craving. It occasionally picks a person to fasten to and then I'm missing Ava or Aurilion or etc. so much it hurts. I don't know if it's just missing the easier time of my life when I was just exploring and creating endless art (I think that's at least part of it), or if it's a genuine longing/missing a person whom I've not met who is supposed to be part of my life. It feels the same as when I have just fallen for someone and I crave their presence, except I haven't actually fallen for someone. I have a terribly inappropriate crush going on right now but this feeling is separate from that and I can't really even fasten them if I want to (which I REALLY don't).

In the past this feeling heralds a soon-to-begin intense relationship (though, when I am feeling like this, a month or two does NOT feel soon). I don't even think I really have the time for it but my heart just doesn't give a shit, it wants wants wants. I think I've written about the stuck point in some of my relationships; distance and energy and time have just created this plateau, and I crave intense increase. There is a need that my relationships are just not meeting; which seems ridiculous to me considering how much good comes out of them, but maybe not, since everyone is so busy and tired. And maybe I couldn't even satisfy a person who actually had the free time and energy, maybe I'm longing for something that'll just end up causing stress and explosions, but fuck, I want it anyway. I'll bite the sun and if I burn my mouth, I burn it.

Unashamed Desire -- Butterfly Boucher

My unashamed desire
Is an open fire
And I'm not afraid to love
Unashamed desire

Open up my chest and take what you like
Open up my chest if you like
I've nothing to hide


eta: and after writing this of course I go looking through the journals of the people I miss and it just makes everything so much sharper. :-( All so far away...

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