I have several things I've been wanting to write about but have been too squished by anxiety to do it. Now that I'm out from under that, hopefully I can write tomorrow.
I had a nightmare about Hannah and Harlan which has been plaguing me. I dreamed I was at TBC (which was a resort-like place full of free fruit and veggies and balconies and windswept colorful curtains and stairs and decks and pools) and I talked with people, who were nice to me. I hugged a bunch of people (including Roar) bye before they headed out to another section on a shuttle, and I hugged Harlan last. It was a really long hug that felt amazing and perfectly resonant, a little sensual but mostly just home. In dream-sense I could tell that ze was appreciating it as much as I was. Then we stopped hugging, ze realized ze had missed the shuttle, and got furious at me. I felt terribly guilty, apologized a lot, and went upstairs and outside. Hannah was there, but when I tried to talk to zir, ze ignored me completely and walked off. I was shattered and shocked, and Nick talked to me about it in a very matter of fact "that's just the way ze is now." Nick tried to convince Hannah to talk to me but ze wasn't interested, and I got more and more upset until I dropped on my knees in the middle of a very public area and cried my guts out. (before doing this I considered going off and hiding but decided no, TBC is one place where I can just express what I am feeling). I've been feeling horribly sad and cut out ever since, and worried that people won't like me at TBC (which I hadn't worried about at all this year).
24 hours until my fundraising closes! http://www.indiegogo.com/takeustoTBC