Belenen (belenen) wrote,

daily -- ramblings about productivity / dream (nightmare about TBC, Harlan, Hannah)

I've been planning so much that my inbox got too overwhelming to deal with for days. I finally got through the backlog last night and today. Right now I ought to be sleeping but I feel such a need to write that I am not doing it. Yesterday I had an enjoyably productive day that made me able to move forward -- Abby came over and started doing my dishes, so I dried while ze washed, and we talked. Later we had a crafty party which was awesome -- we made such pretty thank-you cards! And I used up a bunch of my stamps (I used to send snail mail often). Afterward I felt able to do things, and cleaned my room and the laundry room, did laundry, swept, tidied the unbelievable mound of recycling in the kitchen (our bin had disappeared for three weeks and then reappeared), and did more dishes and kitchen cleaning. Cleaning is a good way to get me in a productive mood, but I have to be in a mood for cleaning. It helps when someone else starts doing it; otherwise, something has to get dirty enough for me to go "I'm just going to clean this one thing" and then it snowballs.

I have several things I've been wanting to write about but have been too squished by anxiety to do it. Now that I'm out from under that, hopefully I can write tomorrow.

I had a nightmare about Hannah and Harlan which has been plaguing me. I dreamed I was at TBC (which was a resort-like place full of free fruit and veggies and balconies and windswept colorful curtains and stairs and decks and pools) and I talked with people, who were nice to me. I hugged a bunch of people (including Roar) bye before they headed out to another section on a shuttle, and I hugged Harlan last. It was a really long hug that felt amazing and perfectly resonant, a little sensual but mostly just home. In dream-sense I could tell that ze was appreciating it as much as I was. Then we stopped hugging, ze realized ze had missed the shuttle, and got furious at me. I felt terribly guilty, apologized a lot, and went upstairs and outside. Hannah was there, but when I tried to talk to zir, ze ignored me completely and walked off. I was shattered and shocked, and Nick talked to me about it in a very matter of fact "that's just the way ze is now." Nick tried to convince Hannah to talk to me but ze wasn't interested, and I got more and more upset until I dropped on my knees in the middle of a very public area and cried my guts out. (before doing this I considered going off and hiding but decided no, TBC is one place where I can just express what I am feeling). I've been feeling horribly sad and cut out ever since, and worried that people won't like me at TBC (which I hadn't worried about at all this year).

24 hours until my fundraising closes!

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