Belenen (belenen) wrote,

loss and longing and lacking nourishment

crying right now. I feel such acute loss. Aurilion cut me out again and it hurt worse this time because I really thought things were going to be different. Everyone I've ever felt a strong connection with, except for Kylei, is not bonded with me. Ava disappeared, Anika left twice for reasons I still don't really know, Viv I can't connect with over distance, Aurilion is too scared of usness to connect again possibly ever, Hannah and Adi and Abby and Arizona and Chip are all too busy with their own lives that don't include me. Kylei is still with me but ze's so low energy all the time from work that doing more than maintaining our bond feels impossible. I need more than basic maintenance, I need magic, and I need to not have to do all the work of creating the space for it and spinning the other person into it. I can give more than I get but I need to get more. Godde, this hurts!

I am so rich in people yet so poor in nourishing time with them. What good does it do to know amazing people if they brush by in the night and that's it? I'm so tired of yearning for what I can't have.

Universe, please bring into my life a local social-justice-minded person I have a strong spiritual connection with who is able and happy to invest intimate time and emotional energy into me, of their own initiative. If you want to throw some romance in there and maybe some sex that'd be a great bonus, but not necessary.
Tags: affirmation, aurilion, kylei, pain, relationships, topaz

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