July 2018
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new friend / coming out of shock / N/A* & navigating friendship / ritual & focused time w Kylei


I had a really nourishing conversation with a new friend today (one of the people who had messaged me). Ze's super open in a way that only Hannah and Kylei have been with me; not just truthful but self-exploratory and sharing without editing. It was so GOOD to feel that; I felt allowed to be naked in a way I haven't felt for a long time. We talked for four and a half hours. I hope that we can become strong friends. And I also feel scared of that because ze reminds me of Ava, and I just can't even imagine going through THAT again. Not that it is even possible, but the fear is there anyway.

I'm still constantly on the verge of tears. But they're clean tears, not poison ones. I don't know how to explain that. I suppose it's that I feel like I'm hurting a lot but it's almost like I just came out of shock and the damage is not being done any more but it hasn't quite started healing yet either. I just want to curl up in watery roots and cry until something grows around me. I've just been missing so many people for so long. I need presence.

N/A* is so good for me. I realize this anew every time I talk about it with someone. I've really learned how to advocate through N/A*, mostly through the practice it's given me. I've learned that my thoughts and efforts are useful and can create positive change. I've started to believe that what I have to give (teaching-wise) is worth offering. I feel such a strong bond with everyone who is active in N/A* -- which is awesome but also weird because I don't know how to navigate becoming real friends. I feel like people in N/A* are sort of forced to associate with me, so I don't know if they like me as a person or just appreciate my contributions. I'm hesitant to be like, "do you want to actively develop a friendship?" because if they don't want to there's a social pressure to hide that to preserve equilibrium and I don't know how to undo it. I don't think that people would necessarily agree despite not wanting it, but it's complicated because they can't just avoid me. I've sort of tried with two members but didn't feel a lot of interest back and don't want to push, so I just dropped it. :-[ I do feel nourished just by the group connection and working together on projects, so I suppose it's okay if deeper friendship doesn't come out of it. But I still want that, and I really want to cuddle everyone. That's definitely the worst part! With most of the people I know I can just be like, "I would like to go sit and cuddle together, how do you feel about that?" and know I'll get an unedited unpressured answer. But if you're not used to radical consent that might be a super-pressurey question, and even if it's not I don't think I could enjoy that very much at school, and spending time with people out of school seems impossible. BLEH. I did tell people I want more hugs in general and ask how they feel about it, and so far everyone's been open to that, at least as goodbyes.

In other news Kylei and I have started doing ritual daily-ish (we aim to do it daily but don't always have the energy), drawing the people and situations we want to us. I can feel it working already, which is a relief. It's very simple -- we light a candle, hold it together while touching each other, focus on what we want to bring in, and thank the universe in advance for it. Whether we do ritual or not we cuddle every day now -- for a while after ze started working we barely saw each other, until we realized what was happening and decided to aim for at least 15 minutes of focused time every day. I feel like we're starting to develop some forward motion again, which is encouraging.

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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.