We were kissing and it started turning sexual and I started feeling bad emotionally, but I wanted to have sex since it had been so amazingly connecting before so I ignored it until it felt so horrible I had to stop, and I just started crying. I had started feeling like ze was just interacting with me as a body and not as a person (which is a thing I have experienced with several people before). When I talked about that, ze said that ze sees me as a person and loves me anyway and will want to be just as close if we never have sex again (which was something I needed to hear). I stumblingly talked about it and about how I've been feeling unable to keep any of my happiness, how it feels like I'm broken, like my brain just won't work right, and that I'll feel a loss of connection and suddenly have no faith in life or love and want to stop existing. I felt SO awful, so irreparably broken, like I'd never be able to really connect with anyone ever again, that it was all going to be tiny moments of hope followed by self-hating despair and no living threads between me and others. Ze cried with me and hugged me and apologized a lot and said that ze had disconnected (because ze was feeling afraid of the intensity of us-ness), which made me feel like it wasn't just me being fucked up and hopeless, and we talked about connection and how we wanted to stay connected, and we clung to each other and the connection opened up again and then we had intense sex that was a world of itself. I got a string of pretty bruises and ze got more :D I also realized afterward that I had felt that sudden shocking pain before: the first time that Hannah disconnected while in my presence. And I realized I need to be more careful with listening to myself about connection because the building suffering is not nearly as bad as the breaking point, and I need to avoid that fucking breaking point.
Then Friday ze came over for intimacy practice (zir first) and stayed over and I talked with zir about energy play and my transness (which I still haven't written about, argh, it's scary, but I did out myself at TBC! baby steps!) and about spirit shapes and it was a lot of exposure but ze was very open to it so it felt good to share. Today we went to my favorite Mexican restaurant ever and talked lots about plants, faith, and spirituality... and I feel hope that I will be able to connect with zir on that <3
I feel really intensely, safely connected to Topaz; I feel nourished by how ze touches me (ze initiates often and is fully present, and gives energy in the touch) and how ze shares with me (ze initiates contact a significant amount, something I've been super-craving) and how ze listens and sees me and how willing ze is to grow and and and and. I feel as one with Topaz as I've ever felt with anyone. I feel no real fear (occasional worry without real fear behind it: I feel intuitively that once we talk about it I'll feel okay, about everything). I feel so compatible and it feels so natural. It's been 30 days, but some of my oldest relationships never had this sense of confident foreverness. I'm so excited about this unfurling shared adventure.
in a slow-flowing stream I'm a rock
you're a leaf, tucked close,
water pressing around
a tree waves branches in the wind
your glances are the light-shadows
a cave of stillness, waiting
I speak and it echoes clear, clean;