Belenen (belenen) wrote,

bits n pieces about Topaz <3

So since I've been back from TBC, Topaz and I haven't spent more than about 12 hours apart (at a time)... it's so intense. I don't really have words for it. Constant cuddles and lots of sensual touch and some of the most connected, intense sex I've ever had. It's a little weird to me to be spending so much time with one person but it feels right so I'm going with it, and I know this is zir last semester in school which means that the amount of time we're spending right now probably won't be possible again, not like this, so I'm soaking it the fuck up while I can. It's easy and comfortable and exciting and eternal. It feels like time with Hannah felt when ze would come to visit, so full of growth it's almost painful, almost. My heart occasionally goes "AGH I need a break, this expansion is more than I can handle." We can spend time together doing things like homework and writing, having down time without being separate. When I notice and mention disconnection ze responds by immediately opening up -- no defensiveness, no hesitancy, just renewal. That feels so good. And ze can go to places I thought only existed in my own head.

So I was doing the affirmation for a while and asking for a local person who had time and energy to invest in me and would want to invest it in me, who would inspire me spiritually and help my faith grow, who would be a social justice activist who got pissed off about inequality, and at first I was like "no it can't be Topaz, because ze doesn't have time/energy." but that was wrong, and Topaz is everything I asked for, everything and more. I think my current favorite thing about zir is that ze's so fucking brave. Most people when faced with a problem either hide or run or procrastinate, but Topaz just does it immediately.

Also also we went to see Cloud Atlas for Sagan's birthday (Sagan is a lodestar for Topaz) and it was the most profound experience I've ever had with a movie, and I could feel Topaz feeling it as much (Kylei and Adi and Roree too but less intensely), and the resonance shone. And I cried and shook with emotion afterward and Topaz was falling over... and I sort of expected for zir to consider zir connection with the film more profound (very strange reaction, not sure why) but ze so didn't, and ze got me a copy of the book the next day. And ze told me that this experience I had with zir the other day, that ze couldn't find words for, made zir feel like the film made zir feel, which pretty much made my heart explode.
Tags: affirmation, films / shows, love, topaz

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