Belenen (belenen) wrote,

STRESS about bioparent visit and job and money / gardening happiness

My bioparent M is coming to visit and I've been pretty stressed about it, mainly because I feel like there are things I 'should' have done even though they are not my responsibility (cleaning up after the previous tenants), because I don't have a job yet, and because time with zir is inherently stressful as ze disapproves of pretty much everything I value about myself. Also I love the way I've set up the place and I feel sure ze won't like it and I don't want to feel compelled to change things. And I'm pretty sure I'll get a lecture on my body, on my lack of making money, and a vague lecture on my 'lifestyle.' Most of these stresses will disappear once ze gets here -- it's always the dread that is the worst, I can deal with the actuality. I dreamed that the whole damn family showed up instead of just M, and I had a crafty party planned, and I invited them, and it was super awkward but not horrible. whaaaat.

I'm also stressed about getting a job. I REALLY want to work at the coffeeshop I just interviewed for but I haven't heard back yet *crumbles from nerves* and I'm about out of money. I ordered four boxes of food bars ( was having a 20% off sale, I pounce on those) and I'm hoping that M will buy me some groceries :-/ I am not gonna starve but I'd like to have some fresh things. The stress of these things has not been good for me, I've started having a harder time coping this week and I was worried that it was depression coming back but I think it's just the stress.

I have a garden and nothing has died!!! My spinach is doing some bizarre ivy-wannabe climbing thing and I transplanted it to hopefully give it more light, really hope it survives because I love eating leaves straight off the stem. My kale is doing well (but I think the ridiculously-bold deer have been EATING IT. #RUDE!) and my tomatoes are getting tall! I love love love love love having a garden. I can't wait to have tomatoes and peppers <3 I've been watering almost every day and taking vitamin D and I feel like my body is enjoying the regular sun. I feel like the worst shitlord ever when I weed though :-( I'm going to make little skirts out of thick black fabric for my plants so they don't have to compete and I don't have to rip pretty little living beings out of their home and kill them.
Tags: biofamily, dreams, money, plant magic, work

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.