February 2018
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Topaz and closeness through touch


I want to explain my relationship with Topaz in concrete, visual terms; I want to make it real outside myself. We have so much closeness in so many ways, especially through touch.

I carry Topaz on my back often, just around the house -- I'll get up to go get water and Topaz will say, "where are you going?" and I will answer and ask if ze wants a ride (ze has never said no that I can remember) and then ze will hold the water bottle as I hold onto zir legs and go downstairs and into the kitchen. Or I'll just be walking along and ze will grab my shoulders and leap onto my hips. Or I'll take zir arms and loop them over my shoulders and lean over and walk around with zir draped over me. And we hold hands while we are in the car or while we're sitting together having coffee or if we're walking together. And if we're watching something together I'll usually have my arms around Topaz or ze will put zir head in my lap. And I brush zir hair and braid it very often, and pet zir head and face and neck. And if we're in the kitchen waiting on coffee to brew, we will be hugging and occasionally kissing. And if we pass each other in the hall, one of us will caress the other on the way. And we sleep cuddled up from feet to forehead, taking turns spooning the other. And we hold the other if the other is sad. And I constantly kiss Topaz on the shoulders and hands and face. And ze nuzzles me so often, and tucks zir face into my neck.

And the most important bit is that I never feel like my touch is falling into a vacuum. Topaz always responds, if not in movement or sound at least in energy. When I hug zir, ze's present and hugs back. When I pet zir, ze leans into it in a nonverbal purr. Often when I wrap my arms around zir and hug and then begin to move away, ze captures my arm and pulls me back. Sometimes when we are holding hands and ze needs that hand for something ze will switch hands or put my hand on another place and press it there to stay until ze picks it up again.

For a while I was worried that Topaz did not enjoy touching me as much as I enjoyed touching zir. When we talked about it Topaz explained that ze has never had this level of touch in zir life and is constantly sated, but that as ze gets used to it ze will initiate more. I've seen that happen lately and it makes me incredibly happy. I can feel that as ze is caressing me, ze is feeling nourished by that alone -- it is not a bore to lead to something more fun, but an end in itself. Because I can feel that, I can accept touch without getting to a point where I begin to feel obligated to return it, and I feel nourished and safe and loved. Recently I had an evening where I felt bare-nerve raw and asked for gentle healing touch and Topaz gave it to me without hesitation or the slightest bit of resentment though it was not what ze had been wanting.

And it's playful. We'll scramblefight like kittens, biting and giggling and shrieking in turn. We wrestle and chase and duck and pounce. Ze's strong and very aware of zir body so I don't have to worry about hurting zir; we're well-matched.

And when we kiss it's like nothing else. When we kiss briefly it's sweet, a little spark of joy, and when we kiss for more than a second it's transcendent. I'd think that I'd get tired of it but it never lessens in beauty. It still makes me sway and close my eyes and grin like the Cheshire cat, still makes shivers skitter down my back.

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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.