So the last two weeks or so I've been feeling an increasing urge to learn and practice energy work, starting with a small urge for a week that expanded into a determination at intimacy practice on Monday when I realized that I had been waiting on people from my past to come spark me up and I needed to let that go and move forward. Then Tuesday I looked up nearby energy work resources and planned to go to some, and Wednesday night Aurilion had a dream where ze saw me wanting to do something but not going for it, and ze emailed me (which was a great confirmation). So Thursday night I went to a Oneness Blessing circle, not expecting anything in particular, and felt a great burst of clarity about my selfhood (dunno exactly how to explain that). I'd only been to one Oneness Blessing before and at the previous one, it was much more sensation and interaction, whereas this one was like I was receiving messages from a wiser version of me, just intuitionally. I think that's partly because the concept of deity has become less important to me over the last two years, and partly because I'm on citalopram (which seems to make experiencing the surreal more difficult). Everyone there seemed very genuine. The experience felt like they were energetically holding on to me and then reaching out for universal energy, to help get me started, and then letting me take it and use it. What they physically did was walk around, placing their hands above or on my head for about three minutes, then letting me be for 10-15 minutes. The givers also took turns sitting and receiving. Afterward they said that there is a training happening in about a month, and while it is expensive apparently they offer help to people who are too poor to pay for it (me). I'm definitely looking in to that.

Then today I went to the energy healing circle at Unity and had a profound experience. The first person who gave energy to me first hovered zir hands over me, then placed hands on my joints two at a time, making a kind of circle around my body, then massaged my shoulders (asking at the very beginning if all of that was okay). I was surprised about the idea of including massage, and feeling skeptical that it would be useful energetically, but it was the massage that sort of brought the rest together, and I felt really strong emotion while ze was rubbing my shoulders and neck. After that I felt an awareness of a energetic 'worm' in my left shoulder (which I removed later) and otherwise felt pretty glowy and relaxed. Then the second person cleansed my energy, which felt good, and through these two things I was thinking about what I needed, and how I needed to find people I connected with on a heart level, and remembering the dreams I'd been having about being rejected and disliked by everyone I cared about. When that person finished they asked to find out if I wanted anything else and I said no, because though I felt helped by this person I also felt as though they had a bit of a savior complex and I didn't want any further interaction. The last person came and sat in front of me and asked what I wanted. I mentioned the dreams and how I didn't understand them because I don't feel rejected/disliked by people in my waking life. Ze asked if I had asked myself what they meant, and I said sort of, mentally yes but energetically no, that I wasn't sure how to go about it. So ze sort of led me in a guided meditation where I brought the thought into a safe space and then asked myself what it was. I then remembered the end of the most recent rejection dream, where I was rejected by everyone and shrugged it off, went off by myself to dance naked alone, on wet grass under a night sky with a dark moon. I felt complete and happy. Then I realized sort of all at once that I was dreaming these things because I needed to feel comfortable with the possibility that people might dislike and/or reject me, and that I was realizing this because for the first time in many years that was a possibility with people whom I had to associate with (co-workers). I shared these things with this person, and then ze did energy work on me, mostly on my heart chakra, which was interesting to me because it is where I have been feeling need but I didn't tell zir that. After, I thanked zir, and then sat alone for a little bit.

Then I realized that all of the things that I'd been reflecting on had to do with fear, and that I did not want to let fear be a motivator in my life. Fear has been clouding up my motives and desires and preventing me from being fully myself. I thought of a good way for me to prevent that (at last). When faced with fear, I will ask myself what I would do if I had no fear. Then (as long as it doesn't put me in physical danger) I will do what I would do if I had no fear. I then acted on this immediately by giving my contact info to the third person, because I felt a connection with them and wanted to be friends.