November 2017
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creative flourishing / memory / my creation is in inverse proportion to my depression.


I've been creating a lot more art (making fractals and editing my photos), sharing it on flickr and deviantart and tumblr; it feels AMAZING to be sharing my creations again. I've also been making mix CDs for people which is a big damn deal because instead of starting a creative project, doing a few and then getting burnt out, I actually finished the first set and offered to add people to the list! The second set isn't done yet but I am motivated to do it still. And I've been sending out postcards to scold my homophobic ex-church and to show love to my friends. And I actually reached out to new people on LJ in an effort to build a home here again (hi people!). It's weird to have an active friends list all of a sudden, even weirder that it's all strangers. I think the last time I added new people had to have been at least two years ago. I hope at least some of these new connections turn into friendships because I know that is what will most help me to write. And while I am enjoying making visual art, I need to be writing. I need it because it is my memory, my sense of self.

I wish I had a better memory but if I didn't have livejournal and photos, I would remember so little of my life. It's like my memory is 2D and I have to see something flat for it to be saved in my mind -- I can't even remember people's faces unless I have seen a photo of them and then I only remember the photo. I find that pretty tragic because I love faces so much. And it's worse when someone is not okay with me taking photos -- I'll respect that but it means they don't exist as a visual in my mind. Photos taken by someone else will work, but they feel like borrowed memories, like a memory of seeing someone through a window while I stand outside.

Anyway, this creativity is so wonderful to me, I hold it like a kitten to my chest. It's such a relief because it has been so long since I had the energy to do this. There were five months last year -- including four in a row -- when I took NO PHOTOS AT ALL. More than a month where I take no photos is dangerous, because I have to be intensely depressed for that to happen. I look back and feel sad for myself, lost thing that I was. Also I think that I need to live alone for as long as possible, because it's so freeing to be able to just go spend a day alone if I need to, and no one questions it or gets hurt by it, that's just the default. I have so much more energy when it isn't being spent on daily managing of other people's feelings, and since I am currently not at all good at resisting the pull to do that, I need to avoid situations of temptation.

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Comments
opiferum ══╣╠══
I really look forward to getting to know you better too! My apologies, however, I've just fallen sick in the midst of my final assessments!!!!!!! I'm just taking a sneaky LJ break on the ole cellphone... :)
belenen ══╣amused╠══
no worries, I'm not an impatient person ;-)
opiferum ══╣╠══
And I have to add, my favourite quote by Oscar Wilde is, I can resist everything but temptation. . Thought I would add that in light of your last comment at the end of this post... <3
belenen ══╣amused╠══
heh, thanks :D
ashmedai ══╣╠══
It's like my memory is 2D and I have to see something flat for it to be saved in my mind -- I can't even remember people's faces unless I have seen a photo of them and then I only remember the photo.

I think I can relate to that a little. In RL I'm basically face-blind, but I can usually remember people's faces in photographs. It's a strange thing.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I agree. I wonder why it is? I always assumed for me it had to do with mind problems due to repressed memories, but there's no way for me to tell unless/until I un-repress them, so...
ashmedai ══╣╠══
Face-blindness is called prosopagnosia. Most people recognize faces well, but about 2-3% of the population are face-blind and recognize inanimate objects, but faces not so well. That can be due to a trauma to the brain, but it can also be congenital. With me, it's congenital and probably linked to Asperger's Syndrome. I recognize people by certain features like hair, or the way they move, or their voice...if any of that changes, I won't be sure they are who they are. I was constantly getting lost as a child when out in public, because I'd be looking at something, then follow the nearest blonde woman like a little duckling because I mistook her for my mother.

It perservered into adulthood. I've lived with Chris since I was sixteen years old, but something changes and I won't be sure it's him. I picked him up at the airport several years ago. He was more tanned and his hair was a bit lightened from the sun, and he was walking differently because of a heavy back-pack. Despite knowing him for years, I wasn't sure it was him - lol. Whereas in still photos, I'll recognize everyone I'm familiar with instantly. It's a very strange phenomenon, but it exists.
blackheart19 ══╣╠══
Hello :D I would love to share playlist if you like :) I love discoverig new music. I have a feeling you would love Hammock, I meditate with them on and its just amazing, especially the song Mute Angels.

Like you I find I have to record things in my journal or my memories become corrupted where I cant remember them properly and get easily muddled.
belenen ══╣aquarius╠══
sure! I'm gonna put at least some of them on 8tracks so that they can be shared with everyone. I'm checking Hammock out now, loving it so far.

*nods* I am working on a long-term project that is a timeline of my life, so that I can get a sense of it that is more than a pile of puzzle pieces.
smokeywhispers ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
I feel ya, hope you can manage the resisting! and thank you
leviadamstoday ══╣face╠══
For me it's writing that I feel is a measure of how well I'm doing. If I look back and see I haven't been writing anything at all, I know things have been off.
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
That too, but that less so for me because in times of really intense growth I often don't have time to process in words, but I do take photos.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.