Belenen (belenen) wrote,

reading lots / being sick forEVER / ridic huge school/work/research STRESS / missing intimacy

I have been INHALING books lately: one by Joan Slonczewski (a re-read of "A Door Into Ocean"), three by Sheri Tepper ("The Companions," "The Visitor," and "The Margarets"), one by Allie Brosh ("Hyperbole and a Half," obv) and today, one by Torey Hayden (a reread of "Somebody Else's Kids"). It's a little weird because this is happening after a very long time of reading tiny bits of books and being unable to keep going, unable to stay "in" it. It feels sorta good in that I feel like it is building up a part of my brain that was shrinking from disuse, but at the same time it feels like regressing, withdrawing from interaction into other worlds, turning into my teen loner self.

It overlaps with an illness I've had for the past month -- mono (plus some kind of cold on top of it that I got last week). I've been weak and tired and unmotivated. I find it harder than usual to make myself do homework, I haven't been able to write or create. I worry that this sickness might be something that won't heal on its own but I don't want to make an appointment with the doctor because I already went to the fucking doctor and they were no help at all (beyond a note to let me rest, I guess). I think this sick is partly stress-induced. 5 classes (including one with a huge research project) plus work plus sick is too damn much. But I wasn't about to take a course on the sociology of class from the professor who is so racist and sexist and homophobic that I've heard this from AVERAGE students (not just the social justice activists). No way any of my money is going to that shitspewer if I can possibly help it, but the only other person who teaches this class only does so in the fall, as far as I can tell. So I am ridiculously busy while feeling like I am accomplishing nothing because my research is going slow and my personal projects are stalled.

And it's cold and I really hate the cold. Yet I haven't called the heater-fixer-person because it stresses me out so much, I feel so busy I can't bear to add another thing to my schedule. I arranged a meeting with them once and they flaked (making me miss classes and wait five hours for NOTHING) and didn't call and when I called it went straight to voicemail. I decided to go with someone else but I haven't arranged that yet.

I'm procrastinating a major paper right now but this is the first time I've been able to sit down and write about my life in forever. I feel anxious because I haven't had an intimacy practice in two months and I can't seem to plan one, it's too hard to mesh everyone's schedules. I just finally sent out another attempt and I'm hoping but ughhhh I just can't DEAL, if this one doesn't work I probably won't try again until school is out. I miss everybody a lot and I'm frustrated that I don't know what is going on in people's lives but I also feel like unless other people prioritize it, it's just not going to happen, and I'm starting to feel like I am the only one who cares. It's not true I know but it feels true.

Which brings me to something I realized about intimacy practice and crafty parties -- they are super important to me because interacting one-on-one with anyone that I don't have a secure bond with takes a lot of energy for me, especially if I really like the person. I feel worried the whole time that I'm going to bore them or make them feel like I don't care about them and I can get past it but that takes a lot of energy too. But in a group setting, I don't feel responsible for keeping people feeling noticed and entertained, so it's a much lower energy cost while giving me positive energy, either from creating or from sharing intimately. Without these gathers it becomes harder and harder for me to feel like interacting with people at all. Going to group events is low-cost but usually even lower in reward because people don't usually share intimate thoughts/feelings or create together at things other people host.
Tags: books, intimacy practice, relationships, sick

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