November 2017
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my sexuality is inherently connection-based; masturbation just isn't worth it.


I had the most miserable experience the other night. I'd been talking about masturbation with my lover, and it had been a while since I did it last (the previous time was lackluster), so I got curious and decided to try it a new way. I got a large mirror and sat it in front of me so I could make eye contact with myself, and used one of my vibrators. I was really excited (emotionally and physically) when I was gathering things, and I had an orgasm within about 2 minutes, but then felt let down. I thought maybe it was that I hadn't held off long enough, and so I went for another, but after that I felt even worse. I just felt more tense and more lonely, and very disappointed. Apparently I cannot have decent sex with just myself. The physical sensation is nice for a minute, and then the emotional let down is frustrating as shit.

I've come to the conclusion that my sexuality is inherently about connection with another person. I can physically 'achieve satisfaction' but it is not the slightest bit satisfying. And if I were to start having sex with someone and realize they weren't into it I would not only lose interest but also feel grossed out. I don't really have much that I am inherently into, physically, except biting and kissing. I find that really satisfying. Also, if something is very pleasing to my lover, I am aroused by it too, even if it is something I would never have even thought to try, or something that I am initially repelled by. For instance, blindfolding; eye contact is super important to me and giving it up seems very unappealing in and of itself, but if it is very exciting to my partner I want to do it, at least some of the time.

I feel really frustrated by the fact that I seem to have no independent sexuality. I'd like to be able to have a satisfying sexual experience alone. But the good part is that if I'm not thinking about it, I don't care; left to my own devices I might masturbate 3 times a year, for the sake of making my cramps go away. I don't even feel desire unless I'm in love with the person and feel like they desire me also. Then my desire can get intense and continuous, especially if we both want it but circumstances are keeping it from happening, OR if we are having it every day -- if my memory is fresh it dramatically increases my desire.

I feel like this is pretty different from your average person; the sensation of orgasm doesn't really attract me much, even the really intense ones. I'm wondering if this means I'm demisexual? or if there is even a word for this.

connecting:

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Comments
queerbychoice ══╣╠══
I think it's totally normal to go through many different stages in your sexual relationship with yourself. I wouldn't bet on this one lasting forever. It could certainly last a number of years, and might also come back a number of times throughout your life; it could be a significant recurring thread in your life. But I think it's likely that there've been some times in the past when your sexual relationship with yourself was more satisfying, since otherwise the current lack of satisfaction wouldn't have surprised you; and I think it's likely that there'll also be some times in the future when your sexual relationship with yourself will be very satisfying again.
belenen ══╣╠══
I don't think so because I never really tried to masturbate without a lovers' input before.
queerbychoice ══╣╠══
You didn't masturbate before you ever had lovers?
belenen ══╣╠══
Nope, i was very religious and felt it was cheating on my future hisband. For realz.
lifeofmendel ══╣╠══
this could be a part of it, yes? because right from the beginning you associated masturbation as an activity that's not isolated to yourself alone.

i guess the question i have is, is this something you perceive as a problem that you want to solve? on the one hand you say you're frustrated about having a lack of independent sexuality, but then on the other hand you say that that's fine. if it's the latter, then no problems. if it's the former, then something needs to be done (although i don't know what that is).
elorie ══╣╠══
Are you otherwise very empathic? because I react much the same way, and am one of those high-mirror-neuron-count empathic people...to the point where I can't watch violent movies because they make me ill.
midwinter ══╣devil please╠══
I can relate to this. Recently though I have been getting into the sensation as just SENSATION, if that makes sense, trying not to associate it with all the trappings I have hitherto associated with sexuality, and that is a new and interesting experience for me. I also have been enjoying the idea of doing it as a form of ritual worship.

If it's not too personal a question, I don't know if you still have relationship with god(s), but I know you have in the past. I know of people who do not experience attraction when there's not another person there, but can by relating the experience with connection with (a) god(s). Has that ever done anything for you?
ahpook_is_here ══╣╠══
bart_calendar ══╣╠══
I have a lot of interaction with asexual and demisexual communities and can tell you that your feelings about masturbation have little to nothing to do with being ace or demi. (You may be demi, but the masturbation thing wouldn't be the tip off.)

Some of the ace and demi people I know masturbate all the time and don't consider it a reflection of their sexuality, because to them their definition as ace or demi is in reference for what they want to do with other people, not what they want to do with themselves.

(Also, there are plenty of ace and demi people who don't masturbate. But there are also plenty of sexuals who don't masturbate.)

Masturbation simply is more pleasurable for some people than others regardless of their sexual orientation. And, there's nothing wrong with that. Your libido will want to be directed where your libido wants to be directed.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.