Belenen (belenen) wrote,

my sexuality is inherently connection-based; masturbation just isn't worth it.

I had the most miserable experience the other night. I'd been talking about masturbation with my lover, and it had been a while since I did it last (the previous time was lackluster), so I got curious and decided to try it a new way. I got a large mirror and sat it in front of me so I could make eye contact with myself, and used one of my vibrators. I was really excited (emotionally and physically) when I was gathering things, and I had an orgasm within about 2 minutes, but then felt let down. I thought maybe it was that I hadn't held off long enough, and so I went for another, but after that I felt even worse. I just felt more tense and more lonely, and very disappointed. Apparently I cannot have decent sex with just myself. The physical sensation is nice for a minute, and then the emotional let down is frustrating as shit.

I've come to the conclusion that my sexuality is inherently about connection with another person. I can physically 'achieve satisfaction' but it is not the slightest bit satisfying. And if I were to start having sex with someone and realize they weren't into it I would not only lose interest but also feel grossed out. I don't really have much that I am inherently into, physically, except biting and kissing. I find that really satisfying. Also, if something is very pleasing to my lover, I am aroused by it too, even if it is something I would never have even thought to try, or something that I am initially repelled by. For instance, blindfolding; eye contact is super important to me and giving it up seems very unappealing in and of itself, but if it is very exciting to my partner I want to do it, at least some of the time.

I feel really frustrated by the fact that I seem to have no independent sexuality. I'd like to be able to have a satisfying sexual experience alone. But the good part is that if I'm not thinking about it, I don't care; left to my own devices I might masturbate 3 times a year, for the sake of making my cramps go away. I don't even feel desire unless I'm in love with the person and feel like they desire me also. Then my desire can get intense and continuous, especially if we both want it but circumstances are keeping it from happening, OR if we are having it every day -- if my memory is fresh it dramatically increases my desire.

I feel like this is pretty different from your average person; the sensation of orgasm doesn't really attract me much, even the really intense ones. I'm wondering if this means I'm demisexual? or if there is even a word for this.
Tags: sex

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